Help Any tricks to lessen your fear of CTB?

[Tulsa Sam 52]

I have read books on near death experiences, set my timer for 11 minutes intervals because since on average someone CTBs every 11 minutes in the US which helps me feel I have a lot of company, reminded myself we all must die soon, read the Stoics who said we should live only as long as we should and not as long as we can. My question is are there any tricks or methods you have found helpful to try to lesson your fear of crossing over?

 

[Wrath]

Most of these are half-assed answers, but I think anything that makes me want to kill myself would help.
Me after writing this whole post: "I pretty much dumped too much info about myself, but I think it answers the question. "

I've kinda narrowed down my beliefs to either there is nothing after death, or this is hell and I need to never reincarnate again. If there is nothing, great! If it really is hell, then that's more justification to not continue or return.

I just go through everything I can possibly remember, from when I was in 1st grade all the way to dropout and between that and now. 90% of everything I remember fucking hurts. I've made some bad choices on my own while sleep deprived. I've thrown away good will before. I've ghosted friends that hung out with me out of pity. I've been on the unfair end of things too. I've been unfairly beaten and literally whipped. I've had a doctor torture me with scalpels when I was an infant. I've been given the silent social treatment almost my whole life. Some of it gives me anxiety and I need to take off my shirt because of sweating and rub my shoulders to try to calm myself down, or break down crying in agony because the mental pain seems to become physical, it's just too much sometimes. Then I kinda give up for the day, take a nap at 2pm and ruin my sleep schedule for the rest of the month.
Summary of this first one is mostly just "remember why you are doing it and why those things make you want to do it". I think this helps me somewhat.

What I then do is look forward. Where will I end up? Where will I go with my trajectory? Can I really improve? Why or why not? Will I ever be happy? Will I ever want to live? What would really do that for me? My answer to that is friends, decent work, and love. Problem is, I have shitloads of mental problems, you could probably tell I have something weird going on in my head if you read a couple of my previous posts. Or not. I don't know if it translates through the screen. Maybe I have the most normal typing style ever. Who knows?

Next to the mental problems, I have rage and regret. Ragret. About all the things that I already missed out on. I'll turn 20 before I can actually get to college. But if I do I'll be two years behind everyone else. Sounds small but it's just another difference between everyone else and myself. I have a weird name, a weird face, a weird posture, a weird voice, a weird skintype, a weird gait, a weird- you see where this is going right? I'm weird. I've always been ostracized, no matter the amount of self help books I read help. I just look fucking WEIRD. People would take pictures of me in high school just to laugh at it. What was I doing in those pictures? Sitting at my fucking desk. Yay. I'm not getting surgery just to play a puppeteer in my place to appease a shitfaced audience.

Or maybe all of that isn't true and I just have autism. Can't fix that either though. I see where I'm ending up. Either an eternally 19yo loser or a 30 year old loser who can't take it anymore and also ends up dead, but not as sad because now I would be 30. It really shouldn't bother me, but the age of my death seems to get more and more important to me. What the fuck is my (not great, but they don't hit me anymore) family supposed to say if I wait till 30 to get it over with? It'll be easier if I do it young and they can just talk about that instead of trying to make up fake accomplishments that I never attained.

I look back on my life and cry. I look forward to my life and cry. Fuck that lol.

What I also do is research the fuck out of my final method to alleviate fears on failing or excessive pain. Sometimes I hold the vial of what I'll be taking in my hand at night and wake up with a death grip around it. I'm trying to familiarize myself with the feeling of the bottle or having it close to me so it doesn't feel as powerful when the day comes. When I touched it for the first time it made me giddy, nervous, and scared. It still does, holding it feels really special to me.

I think all of that would prepare you logically for the day.

Preparing emotionally is different. For that you should not do it impulsively as that would probably lead to snapback regret. Which would suck. Having your favorite song(s), comfy clothes, or childhood stuffed animals(I need to go find mine, this reminded me lol.) near you may help with this. This is the reason why I chose a method(drinking a poison, not sharing specifics, my plan may change) that will allow me to go in my bed surrounded by my stuff. My parents suck, and leave the house for long periods of time so I'm not going to get a hotel room.
Emotionally, the fear of the unknown is strong and I may just have to bite the bullet on that one and wait till unconsciousness. I don't know how to deal with that one.



tldr:
If you don't have anything to look back on or forward to, that does a lot of the logical and emotional lifting. Know thyself I guess?
Knowing your method inside and out helps logically too.
Being familiar with the presence of the final tool would help some nerves.
Having a nice final environment or closure can't hurt. My childhood things I would really want close to me. I'm starting to understand why the pharaohs wanted their important shit by them in the tomb lol.
Fear of the unknown is unknown. Best I can do.

When I finally go I'll probably sob and cry, filled with regrets, no matter how much I 'prepared'. I've always been too hopeful for myself. Hope this helps. Me and my 1062 words.