lastsunset
Member
- Apr 24, 2024
- 35
Tw; Suicidal thoughts mentioned
Hey I'm not really sure how I feel about posting on here again but I feel like maybe there would be someone that understands or at least won't judge my situation. Maybe somebody has some tips, who knows.
I'm a 20 y/o F living in Europe. I've been stuck at home for at least like 6 months now. The last 2 years have been an absolute mess. The last few months have probably been the worst.
There's a lot to the story, but I guess I'm looking for someone that maybe has been in a similar situation as me, someone I can talk to. Because I don't know anybody that is. So in short;
- Also you don't have to read all of this if you don't want to, I'm also just down to chat about anything really! Just lmk -
In 2022 I failed my last year of high school. I did the highest level of high school in my country, always saw myself as decently smart, smart enough to at least graduate. In the last 2 years of hs that really turned out to be less and less true. The realization kicked in hard somewhere in the middle of my last year. That was the first time I fell into my depressive spiral. I just completely shut down. Ended up not even being able to show up to half of my oral exams (all of my subjects had those, because I did a different kind of exams), which automatically meant I failed half of my subjects. After 6 years of working my ass off, everything went down the drain in 1 month. This was also the start of the blaming game for me; blaming myself for have too much social life, two jobs, not practicing actually 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 the languages I needed to be able to speak for my exams, being in a relationship and maybe spending too much time on that and many, many more things.
Failing high school was really I think the start of all the shit that was about to come. What made it all worse is that the last 3 years of high school I was practically in two different "private" schools. My father insisted on this, even though I really didn't think it was worth it. So on top of not graduating, it was also just a big waste of money practically, which made it worse for me. Even though my father isn't the type of person to get furious at something like that, I could feel his disappointment deeply.
I live with my mom, who lives of a small amount of money she gets from the government every month. So from a young age it was really instilled in me that money is something that is scarce and I should be happy with everything that I have (which I think is really good). On the other end of the spectrum I had my father who was able to pay for stuff like school and did so gladly.
My original plan was to take a gap year, to figure out what I even wanted to do with my life and travel. I really really wanted to travel. I had been saving up for it and I had this feeling that it would really boost me to grow outside of my comfort zone.
So naturally first thing I did was practically run away from my problems to Spain with my then boyfriend. Stayed at a family friend's place. My exams where so late into the year that I would have a week of summer left and then start my school year again at another school. I was honest to my parents and told them that I think it would be a good idea maybe to take a break from school and just work for a year and finish school the next year. So of to Spain I went. Worst idea of my live.
About 2,5 weeks after being in Spain I became suicidal for the first time. I realized I had absolutely no clue what I wanted to do in life, who even I really was, absolutely no sense of purpose. Earlier that year I already had gone to my gp because of the depressive symptoms I was experiencing, partly from some traumatic things I had experienced in that same year. We were immediately send back home when my boyfriend told the family friend, which was very understandable.
Eventually I was hospitalized for some time. Broke up with that boyfriend. Had periods of being in a care facility and being home then going to a different facility which went on for about a year. Eventually after the wrong diagnosis of autism, I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2. Same as my mom. Alot of shit happened that year. It was nuts.
On and off anti depressants, extreme highs and lows. I still can't remember everything, or in which order what happened because I was really out of it most of the time.
Eventually I left the third facility I went to. Plan was to stay there a year, it was a type of living together situation under supervision to get into a healthy rhythm again. I felt like I was treated like a little kid there, even though the care givers where mostly amazing don't get me wrong, it just wasn't the place for me. Honestly I was doing pretty okay then.
After all of that I got in to the worst break up of my life. Partly because of this I moved to a different place on my own, because I didn't feel safe at home anymore (because of him, not my mom). It was really my fault getting into a relationship while still being in recovery, but yeah life happens I guess.
Within the walls of that one person bedroom I went absolutely mad. I stopped talking to all of my friends again at some point. Stopped showing up to my volunteering job I had. I tried for a while to just pick things up again, but every time somebody that was over left my place, I felt this huge pit in my stomach when I was alone again.
I had no plans. No hobby's I practiced anymore. I stopped working out. No inspiration to write anything. No inspiration to play guitar or piano. No motivation to learn anything new. No motivation to endlessly search through the list of studies, searching for something that spoke to me. I stopped going outside. I barely ate anything.
So eventually I went home to my mom again. That was 6 months ago. My therapist and psychiatrist closed my case, because they didn't know what to do with me anymore. Mostly I'm home watching youtube or a movie or something, getting comforted by my cat. Sometimes I get myself to walk outside for a while. I get extreme social anxiety now even just walking past people, which I never had before.
I have been contemplating ending it every single day, but something always stops me from doing that. I have written a note about 3 times now. Also posted on here multiple times.
I feel like I lost so many people that were important to me, because I either impulsively cut them out because of trust issues or pushing them away out of embarrassment. Relationships that went no where because I didn't and still don't love myself. The relationship with my parents is so damaged. And remember the blaming game? Yeah I really am still convinced a lot of everything is my fault. The most twisted paradox I'm in right now is feeling like shit because I feel like I fucked up so bad, then feeling like I deserve to feel like shit because in my circumstances there was so little chance to fuck up, then staying in the same cycle of habits and that repeats every day.
I'm now talking to a friend of my father that has alot of experience helping people. He is really kind and smart. But I can't help but feel like he can't help me. In the end nobody can tell me what to be or what to do.
I have more to talk about, but I think this is enough for now.
I guess I'm asking if anyone has ideas? I think the hardest thing is gradually breaking the cycle I'm in right now. That and finding purpose. I'm young so I know I don't have all the answers.
For anybody who read all of this, thank you for your patience and time.
Hey I'm not really sure how I feel about posting on here again but I feel like maybe there would be someone that understands or at least won't judge my situation. Maybe somebody has some tips, who knows.
I'm a 20 y/o F living in Europe. I've been stuck at home for at least like 6 months now. The last 2 years have been an absolute mess. The last few months have probably been the worst.
There's a lot to the story, but I guess I'm looking for someone that maybe has been in a similar situation as me, someone I can talk to. Because I don't know anybody that is. So in short;
- Also you don't have to read all of this if you don't want to, I'm also just down to chat about anything really! Just lmk -
In 2022 I failed my last year of high school. I did the highest level of high school in my country, always saw myself as decently smart, smart enough to at least graduate. In the last 2 years of hs that really turned out to be less and less true. The realization kicked in hard somewhere in the middle of my last year. That was the first time I fell into my depressive spiral. I just completely shut down. Ended up not even being able to show up to half of my oral exams (all of my subjects had those, because I did a different kind of exams), which automatically meant I failed half of my subjects. After 6 years of working my ass off, everything went down the drain in 1 month. This was also the start of the blaming game for me; blaming myself for have too much social life, two jobs, not practicing actually 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 the languages I needed to be able to speak for my exams, being in a relationship and maybe spending too much time on that and many, many more things.
Failing high school was really I think the start of all the shit that was about to come. What made it all worse is that the last 3 years of high school I was practically in two different "private" schools. My father insisted on this, even though I really didn't think it was worth it. So on top of not graduating, it was also just a big waste of money practically, which made it worse for me. Even though my father isn't the type of person to get furious at something like that, I could feel his disappointment deeply.
I live with my mom, who lives of a small amount of money she gets from the government every month. So from a young age it was really instilled in me that money is something that is scarce and I should be happy with everything that I have (which I think is really good). On the other end of the spectrum I had my father who was able to pay for stuff like school and did so gladly.
My original plan was to take a gap year, to figure out what I even wanted to do with my life and travel. I really really wanted to travel. I had been saving up for it and I had this feeling that it would really boost me to grow outside of my comfort zone.
So naturally first thing I did was practically run away from my problems to Spain with my then boyfriend. Stayed at a family friend's place. My exams where so late into the year that I would have a week of summer left and then start my school year again at another school. I was honest to my parents and told them that I think it would be a good idea maybe to take a break from school and just work for a year and finish school the next year. So of to Spain I went. Worst idea of my live.
About 2,5 weeks after being in Spain I became suicidal for the first time. I realized I had absolutely no clue what I wanted to do in life, who even I really was, absolutely no sense of purpose. Earlier that year I already had gone to my gp because of the depressive symptoms I was experiencing, partly from some traumatic things I had experienced in that same year. We were immediately send back home when my boyfriend told the family friend, which was very understandable.
Eventually I was hospitalized for some time. Broke up with that boyfriend. Had periods of being in a care facility and being home then going to a different facility which went on for about a year. Eventually after the wrong diagnosis of autism, I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2. Same as my mom. Alot of shit happened that year. It was nuts.
On and off anti depressants, extreme highs and lows. I still can't remember everything, or in which order what happened because I was really out of it most of the time.
Eventually I left the third facility I went to. Plan was to stay there a year, it was a type of living together situation under supervision to get into a healthy rhythm again. I felt like I was treated like a little kid there, even though the care givers where mostly amazing don't get me wrong, it just wasn't the place for me. Honestly I was doing pretty okay then.
After all of that I got in to the worst break up of my life. Partly because of this I moved to a different place on my own, because I didn't feel safe at home anymore (because of him, not my mom). It was really my fault getting into a relationship while still being in recovery, but yeah life happens I guess.
Within the walls of that one person bedroom I went absolutely mad. I stopped talking to all of my friends again at some point. Stopped showing up to my volunteering job I had. I tried for a while to just pick things up again, but every time somebody that was over left my place, I felt this huge pit in my stomach when I was alone again.
I had no plans. No hobby's I practiced anymore. I stopped working out. No inspiration to write anything. No inspiration to play guitar or piano. No motivation to learn anything new. No motivation to endlessly search through the list of studies, searching for something that spoke to me. I stopped going outside. I barely ate anything.
So eventually I went home to my mom again. That was 6 months ago. My therapist and psychiatrist closed my case, because they didn't know what to do with me anymore. Mostly I'm home watching youtube or a movie or something, getting comforted by my cat. Sometimes I get myself to walk outside for a while. I get extreme social anxiety now even just walking past people, which I never had before.
I have been contemplating ending it every single day, but something always stops me from doing that. I have written a note about 3 times now. Also posted on here multiple times.
I feel like I lost so many people that were important to me, because I either impulsively cut them out because of trust issues or pushing them away out of embarrassment. Relationships that went no where because I didn't and still don't love myself. The relationship with my parents is so damaged. And remember the blaming game? Yeah I really am still convinced a lot of everything is my fault. The most twisted paradox I'm in right now is feeling like shit because I feel like I fucked up so bad, then feeling like I deserve to feel like shit because in my circumstances there was so little chance to fuck up, then staying in the same cycle of habits and that repeats every day.
I'm now talking to a friend of my father that has alot of experience helping people. He is really kind and smart. But I can't help but feel like he can't help me. In the end nobody can tell me what to be or what to do.
I have more to talk about, but I think this is enough for now.
I guess I'm asking if anyone has ideas? I think the hardest thing is gradually breaking the cycle I'm in right now. That and finding purpose. I'm young so I know I don't have all the answers.
For anybody who read all of this, thank you for your patience and time.
