Anybody else wanting to die to avoid humiliation?

[Final Escape]

I think one of my reasons for dying is to avoid humiliation that comes with having failed at life in like every area. This is my main reason plus trying to avoid homelessness and destitution.

 

[iwant2die]

Sort of. I've already humiliated myself plenty of times. I know that it will just continue if I keep on going. I think that's part of it. But there's certainly more to it than that.

 

[Peekaf]

Homelessness isn't so bad except for in the winter. It is however, extremely hard to come back from.

I just don't enjoy life and never have. I'm starting to think its some cosmic balancing act, some people get everything and have wonderful lives that they love. Then there is us on this forum.

 

[Smilla]

Yes. I strongly identify with this. Humiliation was the common thread thorougout my life, painful as hell.

 

[skitliv]

I can identify too, I've been humiliated by life

 

[Final Escape]

Yes I experienced a lot of shame especially when it started when I was a teenager. I started to become so promiscuous that I lost control and I may have went through brief periods of abstinence, but I would fall back into this even though I promised myself I would stop. I would fail again and end up beating myself up and being punishing to myself. So I guess you might call this a sex addiction. Because I felt dirty, damaged, used, and bad after awhile I just decided to become a prostitute because I figured ok if I can't stop myself than I might as well just make a job out of it lol! I know how messed up this sounds but this is kind of what happened to me. I did have some boyfriends along the way but I would still cheat because for whatever reason I wasn't happy and immature. I did try to seek help for this in my 20's but I think maybe I was not going to the right places. The medical establishment didn't help at all and gave me zero guidance as to where I could get help for my problem.

 

[Luke]

Yes I experienced a lot of shame especially when it started when I was a teenager. I started to become so promiscuous that I lost control and I may have went through brief periods of abstinence, but I would fall back into this even though I promised myself I would stop. I would fail again and end up beating myself up and hurting myself. So I guess you might call this a sex addiction. Because I felt dirty, damaged, used, and bad after awhile I just decided to become a prostitute because I figured ok if I can't stop myself than I might as well just make a job out of it lol! I know how messed up this sounds but this is kind of what happened to me. I did have some boyfriends along the way but I would still cheat because for whatever reason I wasn't happy and immature. I did try to seek help for this in my 20's but I think maybe I was not going to the right places. The medical establishment didn't help at all and gave me zero guidance as to where I could get help for my problem.

Why don't you get back in the biz?

Or the opposite:

Why don't you move to a place where no one knows you to get married?

Both options will solve at least the poverty problem.

 

[Luke]

Lmao. I was in the biz too. It's not a life, trust me. Not necessarily as bad as some cases you hear about but it's not a long term solution to anything and leaves massive massive scars.

Alright, how about the marriage idea?

 

[Final Escape]

Why don't you get back in the biz?

Or the opposite:

Why don't you move to a place where no one knows you to get married?

Both options will solve at least the poverty problem.

Well there are problems that happen as a result of too many partners to women that many people don't know about. Basically my ability to pair bond is broken from having had too many partners. So when I try to date I feel like there's nothing left of me. I feel nothing when I try to get involved at this point. Also the men interested in you at 40 plus, god I can only say I'm not attracted to most guys that are attracted to me these days lol! This is why it's best to try to find someone when young for most people. You would have to be a phsycopath or narcissist to arouse me because that's the only type of people that can generate any excitement for me. I'm aware of this too which is why I just don't try to date anymore. I have one of those insecure attachment styles which adds additional problems in relationships.

 

[Luke]

Well there are problems that happen as a result of too many partners to women that many people don't know about. Basically my ability to pair bond is broken from having had too many partners. So when I try to date I feel like there's nothing left of me. I feel nothing when I try to get involved at this point. Also the men interested in you at 40 plus, god I can only say I'm not attracted to most guys that are attracted to me these days lol! This is why it's best to try to find someone when young for most people. You would have to be a phsycopath or narcissist to arouse me because that's the only type of people that can generate any excitement for me. I'm aware of this too which is why I just don't try to date anymore. I have one of those insecure attachment styles which adds additional problems in relationships.

You don't have to be attracted, I'm talking about financial stuff. You get married, then suddenly come to the realisation that you're not attracted to him or he raped you doesn't matter, the point is one last big cashout.

Basically take the biz a step further, don't charge for every single blowjob. Think bigger.

 

[Final Escape]

You don't have to be attracted, I'm talking about financial stuff. You get married, then suddenly come to the realisation that you're not attracted to him or he raped you doesn't matter, the point is one last big cashout.

Basically take the biz a step further, don't charge for every single blowjob. Think bigger.

I couldn't do that to someone, just like I had abortions to avoid making a guy feel pressured to be responsible financially for 18 years because I was a ho lol!

 

[Luke]

I couldn't do that to someone, just like I had abortions to avoid making a guy feel pressured to be responsible financially for 18 years because I was a ho lol!

Oh shit... :(

 

[Final Escape]

Yes I regret my abortions too. At the time u think u will get over it and move on but it stays with u. It's not just a blob of cells.

 

[Luke]

It's not just a blob of cells.

It's also steady income, that's what I meant by "oh shit".

But that's the past.

Edit: useless idea deleted.

 

[Final Escape]

Abortion has caused the most regret and pain of everything I've done wrong. It's horrible to come to the realization that u consented to the murder of your unborn kids. I know I made that choice but many women are not well informed about the long term consequences. If we were, I think less abortions would happen. If women knew how damaging it is phsycologically, future pregnancy complications, and difficulty to bond with future children u may have.

 

[Luke]

Abortion has caused the most regret and pain of everything I've done wrong. It's horrible to come to the realization that u consented to the murder of your unborn kids. I know I made that choice but many women are not well informed about the long term consequences. If we were, I think less abortions would happen. If women knew how damaging it is phsycologically, future pregnancy complications, and difficulty to bond with future children u may have.

Society lets young girls decide over life or death as they see fit. What could possibly go wrong...

 

[Final Escape]

Society lets young girls decide over life or death as they see fit. What could possibly go wrong...

Right I was placed in the position of playing god and it was horrible. Abortion did not feel like a choice. I felt like I had no choice and no they don't give u all the info or options at those clinics. They also don't evaluate u to figure out wether u are in a good mental state to make a decision like this. I literally felt like nobody cared and because I realized that single motherhood is not good for kids having grown up in that situation myself. I was afraid my kids would also have that shitty situation.

 

[Final Escape]

What if you were right? If none of the possible fathers are rich enough to support you then the child probably doesn't worth it anyways.

They weren't and that was part of the problem too. The first two were one night stands. First time no contraception so it was entirely preventable, second one was broken condom but at the time there was no morning after pill available over the counter. The second two times was with same guy but he was not stable, alcoholic, poor. I know right I picked badly I suppose I didn't realize I needed to look for a good provider. Also I wasn't having sex to get pregnant but therein lies the problem. The separation from sex tied with commitment and choosing a partner wisely. That didn't exist for me bc I had low self worth and didn't feel worthy of a high quality guy. I was terrified of being dependent on a guy financially because I wasn't sure that the guy wouldn't decide to leave or whatever. I didn't feel confident that I could make a marriage work bc I didn't see this growing up.

 

[Luke]

They weren't and that was part of the problem too. The first two were one night stands. First time no contraception so it was entirely preventable, second one was broken condom but at the time there was no morning after pill available over the counter. The second two times was with same guy but he was not stable, alcoholic, poor. I know right I picked badly I suppose I didn't realize I needed to look for a good provider. Also I wasn't having sex to get pregnant but therein lies the problem. The separation from sex tied with commitment and choosing a partner wisely. That didn't exist for me bc I had low self worth and didn't feel worthy of a high quality guy. I was terrified of being dependent on a guy financially because I wasn't sure that the guy wouldn't decide to leave or whatever. I didn't feel confident that I could make a marriage work bc I didn't see this growing up.

How many abortions are we talking about?

 

[Final Escape]

How many abortions are we talking about?

. I had 4 total. I had tried various types of hormonal birth control and had severe side effects with all of them so I realized that wasn't an option. We tried other methods but obviously I was more fertile than we realized.

 

[Luke]

I was terrified of being dependent on a guy financially because I wasn't sure that the guy wouldn't decide to leave or whatever. I didn't feel confident that I could make a marriage work bc I didn't see this growing up.

Guys could just leave whenever they wanted and not pay? wtf

 

[Final Escape]

The last guy was upset about my decision to abort. He cried when we went to the clinic. I think after going through a couple of previous abortions I become desensitized to it to a degree. U detach from the whole thing. I was kind of angry at him for getting me pregnant especially when it happened the second time right after the first. Like he could help it right? Wasn't all his fault. But yea I didn't feel he was going to be a responsible dad and that's why I did it. We were both barely getting by and I felt like we weren't ready to have kids. I was always on the fence because of my own childhood about having kids. Yes I was a terrible person and looking back I'm disgusted w myself.

 

[Threads]

I don't care what others think.

Humiliation means nothing to me. I did not fail at life nor did I fail at anything, I was born into circumstances which were impossible to succeed at. Fuck what people think.

 

[Final Escape]

Guys could just leave whenever they wanted and not pay? wtf

My dad abandoned my mother and I guess that's where the idea came from. My father outright ignored me while showering my little bro with attention when we were taken to visit him on weekends. That was the first messsage I got that being female must mean I'm less valuable. Actually it was a mixture of thinking it was because I was female or that there's something wrong with me that my dad doesn't love me for some reason

 

[Laggy]

I'm sorry about all the trauma you've been through, Final Escape :( You need to forgive yourself for your abortions, but I know that's easier said than done.

My question is, have you gotten over your sex addiction, or is that still an ongoing issue? If you got over it, how did you do it?

 

[Final Escape]

I'm sorry about all the trauma you've been through, Final Escape :( You need to forgive yourself for your abortions, but I know that's easier said than done.

My question is, have you gotten over your sex addiction, or is that still an ongoing issue? If you got over it, how did you do it?

It's no longer a choice to have sex, now it's the only thing supporting me financially so even if I wanted to quit I cannot unless I'm ready to face homelessness and destitution.

 

[Luke]

unless I'm ready to face homelessness and destitution.

Let's rule that out as an option :)

 

[ScaredOfLife]

The last guy was upset about my decision to abort. He cried when we went to the clinic. I think after going through a couple of previous abortions I become desensitized to it to a degree. U detach from the whole thing. I was kind of angry at him for getting me pregnant especially when it happened the second time right after the first. Like he could help it right? Wasn't all his fault. But yea I didn't feel he was going to be a responsible dad and that's why I did it. We were both barely getting by and I felt like we weren't ready to have kids. I was always on the fence because of my own childhood about having kids. Yes I was a terrible person and looking back I'm disgusted w myself.

I feel bad for all you've been through and are going through. I so badly want to tell you to not feel any guilt over the abortions and to instead feel glad that you didn't bring any children into this world of suffering. I was an accident and I curse the day my parents had unprotected sex and had me. I really do wish they had an abortion, then I'd have been spared the pain and agony I've experienced throughout my life. You spared those children any pain and suffering. My whole life I've vowed I would never bring children into this world of suffering. So please don't feel guilty. I know it's not easy to get you to see it from that perspective because I know you feel a lot of guilt. But instead, if you are able, try to tell yourself you spared those children a lot of suffering. Life is suffering.

 

[Final Escape]

I feel bad for all you've been through and are going through. I so badly want to tell you to not feel any guilt over the abortions and to instead feel glad that you didn't bring any children into this world of suffering. I was an accident and I curse the day my parents had unprotected sex and had me. I really do wish they had an abortion, then I'd have been spared the pain and agony I've experienced throughout my life. You spared those children any pain and suffering. My whole life I've vowed I would never bring children into this world of suffering. So please don't feel guilty. I know it's not easy to get you to see it from that perspective because I know you feel a lot of guilt. But instead, if you are able, try to tell yourself you spared those children a lot of suffering. Life is suffering.

Thank you guys for listening and being non judgemental or at least trying not to be. I really appreciate everybody's comments and trying to be supportive. Thank u everyone :)

 

[Laggy]

I think ScaredOfLife has a really good point. I wish my parents had an abortion too.