i keep focusing on suicide and making my life worse and worse. But I'm afraid I won't even be able to go through with it. What the fuck is wrong with me?
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Yeah I've pretty much done the same I give up on everything and just tell my self I'll commit suicide soon anyway but been like that for months and still haven't found the guts or desperation to do it
Yeah it's good to make a decision one way or the other. Commit to one. I'm choosing to kill myself since I know my problems are unsolvable so I don't feel uncomfortable about anything I do anymore.
Retched
I see the chaos in your eyes.
- Oct 8, 2018
- 837
That's sage advice. My "well, I'll just kill myself tomorrow so (fill in the blank) doesn't matter today is just leading to more procrastination on my part and a worse pile of crap then I already have...
I've done that in the past, and it sucks.
These days, I don't even have to try. Life just makes itself worse :(
These days, I don't even have to try. Life just makes itself worse :(
Retched
I see the chaos in your eyes.
- Oct 8, 2018
- 837
I'd say nothing is wrong with you. What's wrong is that suicide is so hard to commit to with that damn survival instinct.
jaemus12
Earth’s Parasite
- May 11, 2018
- 562
Yep. I'm making shit worse for not being courageous enough to ctb right now, my stupid ass thinks this shit will miraculously improve even though it won't and I'm just procrastinating.
Fuck me. SOMEONE JUST FUCKING KILL ME. PLEASE.
Edit: spelling and shit
Fuck me. SOMEONE JUST FUCKING KILL ME. PLEASE.
Edit: spelling and shit
Last edited:
worldexploder
Visionary
- Sep 19, 2018
- 2,821
It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. We want to die but the process is terrifying. Especially if you don't have the right equipment. At least that's how I feel.
Problem - my life sucks
Solution - I need to end it
Lingering question - how?
It stresses me out a lot to think about it too. Sometimes I need to take a break and not talk about it for awhile. What your feeling is very common.
Problem - my life sucks
Solution - I need to end it
Lingering question - how?
It stresses me out a lot to think about it too. Sometimes I need to take a break and not talk about it for awhile. What your feeling is very common.
bigj75
“From Knowledge springs power."
- Sep 1, 2018
- 2,540
That's why we are here always here searching for a method that is painless, quick, and easy.
dysfunctional
Arcanist
- Oct 26, 2018
- 459
I do the same thing. As much as it sucks its also interesting that other people are doing the same thing.
littlelungs
Wizard
- Oct 21, 2018
- 646
I unintentionally make my own life worse. I have a natural tendency to self-destruct. If I were an insect, I'd be one of those exploding ants.
TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,960
I'm pretty much set on killing myself in the future, then when just depends on the circumstances as well as the method. Also, the survival instinct isn't making it easier at all... There is one thing certain though, if things suddenly get worse, I may expedite my date sooner depending on what actually gets worse (such as people threatening to commit me, trying to intervene and interfere with my actions).
Empty RN
Student
- Oct 25, 2018
- 107
I relate a lot to this. I don't care about hardly anything right now and know it's only a matter of tim euntil I CTB but I've put off oil changes, bathing/ personal grooming/ eating/ health appointments because they just don't matter but I've had N for a few weeks now. I just need a partner who has N as well and to get/ try lidocaine or something similar
Sayo
Not 2B
- Aug 22, 2018
- 520
Yes. I'm not capable of living ordinarily any more. Unfortunately I have a live in 'carer' and a mobility impairment. I suppose eventually I will have an opportunity to drown.
Empty RN
Student
- Oct 25, 2018
- 107
That adds a whole new level of difficulty. Does your live in know about your will to CTB?
The same thing that's wrong with me, apparently.
The will to live --be it through hope (however delusional) for a better future, or fear of death-- is a damned nuisance at times.
cupio dissolvi
Member
- Oct 20, 2018
- 48
Sometimes I just purposefully psychologically torture myself to convince myself to ctb. I used to a pretty determined person, now I'm constantly plagued with indecision and second-guess myself all the time.
WaitingForTheBus
Student
- Oct 27, 2018
- 136
For me, it has gotten to the stage where I spend more time thinking about my exit, than I actually do about living.
Hiraeth
Trying to be better. 🫶🏻
- Nov 3, 2018
- 63
yeah..
I self sabotage so much too.
It's not great, but i feel as if i don't deserve good things because i'm just going to ctb anyways. it'd be a waste.
I self sabotage so much too.
It's not great, but i feel as if i don't deserve good things because i'm just going to ctb anyways. it'd be a waste.
It's like being trapped in limbo, u can't really live in the situation u are living in, but ctb is equally hard and risky. Sometimes I wish I could just not have to eat, have shelter, and be hidden away from society till I just die of whatever.
dysfunctional
Arcanist
- Oct 26, 2018
- 459
Zaynaldeen
blackpilled subhuman manlet
- Oct 18, 2018
- 108
Heh it gets worse for me anyway, whether I try my best to succeed or stay in my bed the entire day. At least you know the cause, I feel like I'm cursed or something.
Sayo
Not 2B
- Aug 22, 2018
- 520
Yes, I lost my independence due to an attempt several years ago, and my SN was intercepted (normally my mail is left alone but I'm visibly not well lately). I can obtain limited spells of relative independence by pretending to be high functioning if I'm not alone, and/or I will consider simply running away (very difficult unfortunately but I have spent a long time pondering this). Thank you for replying!
Norest4thewicked
Losing it
- Nov 4, 2018
- 270
3 decades of depression, self destructive behaviour combined with fucking awful decision making. So yeah, I keep making it a shitty life. Old habits die hard. Can't really see a magical improvement anytime soon
i think that for a very long time i did things to actively sabotage my life, to make it impossible for my to continue living. and then, depite my really outstanding efforts in that regard, things started to improve and it almost seemed like there my be a way through. over the past few months, though, i recognize that i am doing it again and this time, there will be no recovery ... this time, the result has to be the end of me.
Can relate. I dont understand why we do that
Norest4thewicked
Losing it
- Nov 4, 2018
- 270
your pathologist
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- Sep 5, 2018
- 519
Putridsoul
Member
- Aug 19, 2018
- 32
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