Anyone currently dealing with slight feelings of reconsideration?

[ropeburns&migranes]

I've been suicidal for years now, since I was 12 years old. After my first attempt, my parents have been supportive which I never anticipated. My dad would say stuff like 'If you're going I'm going with you.' which I don't fully believe he'll go through with but I think he's trying to show his concern for me and it really does make me worried about will happen when I'm gone.

For a while now I'm no longer in post-secondary school and focusing on bettering my mental health, and because of this, I think I'm not given many situations to really dread my life like I had in the past (especially with the lack of social contact). I still hate myself and I still think about killing myself on the daily but the intensity isn't like what it was before. Maybe it's because I'm getting used to these thoughts so they don't cloud my mind as much, maybe it's because I'm a do-nothing burden living like a parasite. Some part of me is scared that I'm getting comfortable with living because I know that I need to die, it's all I've ever wanted, it's what is best for the world and my parents even if they don't know it yet. I know these semi-joyful feelings that I experience sometimes are just a result of being a lazy bum and I can't live like this forever.
So yeah, is anyone else currently conflicted with their suicidal thoughts? (Doesn't necessarily have to be for the same reasons as me)

Edit: I wanted to add that I'm also worried that if I do carry on like this I'll be miserable forever. Sad and suicidal but not enough to actually kill myself anymore, not actually living a worthwhile life. When will it end?

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I am happy you are recovery and still project what you felt before from how you live your life, and excuse me if the language seems harsh. I don't know how to verbalize things well as I never had that ability, but I'm saying... I'm happy you are well off now even if it's still hard. Anyways, I will share a story of when I last experienced a sense of consideration, it was in 2024 after my attempt, I had met a group like myself, and met my first love, and even though he's messy because he's apart of this world, he was what got me by to being around, but it isn't to say our breakup made me felt inclined to suicide again, but there was no way I could channel hope from how bad the world was... My world was always gloom, there was always no hope, and I've always accepted it and wanted no part in it for a long time, but after meeting him, and being Christian, I felt for the first time I had a sense of purpose again, but... I didn't accept everything that was going on and I began self isolating because the feelings always stick with you, and I didn't know it then, but I was still wanting out, but he saved me to reconsider those feelings, and well, I had reconsidered for us, and the moment we broke up, I cringed to hope, but it wasn't until October I was definitely suicidal. Honestly, I pulled through for long because I experienced heartbreak and what it meant to lose someone unlike yourself for the first time and I felt utter despair from experiencing pain but believing there was a god, and I felt inside he deeply understood me and cared enough even if I was ctb and I clung onto that hope, but I gave up everything finally when I realize, I was always made for this and it no longer became the fantasy I held onto to, but the reality that in the end, ctb was the right choice all in the end, because SI exists and the fear of living in a world like this with no love, being hurt, being yelled at, and being damaged inside always will remind you to leave.

That's my little tale of why I'm back and ctb... and no, it is no, but I had once. <':

Hope you don't become like me

Hoping...

Edit: autocorrect on phone

 

[TheHolySword]

no, i've known for a long time now. even when i met the girl of my dreams i wasn't conflicted. i knew i was going to do this. which is why i ruined things with her. my life has been headed here for a long time. i'm almost there.

 

[guineapiglover8503]

ALL THE TIME!!! I always have. I have always felt at least a bit suicidal since I was maybe 11? and I have had some moments where I was very certain and some times that I want to live it out. My personal rule is give it a month and if all of those days i feel the same then I can do it, or if I am in severe pain then give it 2 weeks.

 

[EternalShore]

ALL THE TIME!!! I always have. I have always felt at least a bit suicidal since I was maybe 11? and I have had some moments where I was very certain and some times that I want to live it out. My personal rule is give it a month and if all of those days i feel the same then I can do it, or if I am in severe pain then give it 2 weeks.

hey, that's a neat way to stop impulsive actions~ :)

 

[soonnotkoei]

its only natural to get thoughts about reconsideration. iam just glad that your situation has bettered and is not as bad it was before.

 

[BlueberrySylv]

for me too actually!
I never truly gave up on life if ever at all, I always saw it as there's no escape of my own current situation, and I simply just had lost hope on life.

I wasn't expecting to get much from my long distance friends about this but they really really helped me. like a lot.
they all were worried sick and we're telling me they will help me despite no way of them helping me, they were still considerate.
though I wouldn't say I'm fully healed and that I will stop and throw away the sn that I got. but I'm still good enough that I'll just not do it not yet at least.
but then again this might be just a little distraction from my own brain until I inevitably feel bad again and those thoughts come back.
who knows

 

[bigbang33]

I've been suicidal for years now, since I was 12 years old. After my first attempt, my parents have been supportive which I never anticipated. My dad would say stuff like 'If you're going I'm going with you.' which I don't fully believe he'll go through with but I think he's trying to show his concern for me and it really does make me worried about will happen when I'm gone.

For a while now I'm no longer in post-secondary school and focusing on bettering my mental health, and because of this, I think I'm not given many situations to really dread my life like I had in the past (especially with the lack of social contact). I still hate myself and I still think about killing myself on the daily but the intensity isn't like what it was before. Maybe it's because I'm getting used to these thoughts so they don't cloud my mind as much, maybe it's because I'm a do-nothing burden living like a parasite. Some part of me is scared that I'm getting comfortable with living because I know that I need to die, it's all I've ever wanted, it's what is best for the world and my parents even if they don't know it yet. I know these semi-joyful feelings that I experience sometimes are just a result of being a lazy bum and I can't live like this forever.
So yeah, is anyone else currently conflicted with their suicidal thoughts? (Doesn't necessarily have to be for the same reasons as me)

Edit: I wanted to add that I'm also worried that if I do carry on like this I'll be miserable forever. Sad and suicidal but not enough to actually kill myself anymore, not actually living a worthwhile life. When will it end?

NEEDING to die and WANTING to die are two very different things, certainly worth exploring.

My suicidal thoughts come and go. Sometimes it feels like a coping mechanism.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

There is no reconsideration ever . I will never want to live another minute

 

[dexdbxtchthewxtch]

I am sitting perched on a fence.
On one side is the void; total freedom and either absolute nothingness, or my already passed family (I'm looking at you little bro, it's on sight when I get there!) Win win.
On the other side are my young children. My 3 pieces of my heart. I can't fathom leaving them to believe I left because I didn't love them, or their love wasn't enough to make me stay. The trauma and stigma that comes with having a parent CTB. It's them. It's always my babies that make me stay.

 

[crocune]

I went from writing a suicide note to being optimistic about the future to my heart palpitating out of my chest and wanting to die again in the span of 6 hours