Story Anyone else autistic and/or estranged from their family?

[CatLover]

Just wondering if it gets any easier. It's been a little over three years now and it was my decision to finally cut the ties but it is such a strange thing, in this family obsessed world, to be without that kind of relationship and support. I'm in my mid forties and it's been brewing a really long time. I'd hoped that our relationship had improved somewhat over the last decade or so, but then when something happened it became obvious that when it comes down to it, they had not changed at all and still blamed me for every misfortune that befalls me (although I imagine when there's a success, they will happily take credit for it).
I still talk to some of my 'outer' family, a couple of cousins, but not my actual parents, and I'm an only child.
I've considered doing some kind of therapy, but I doubt they'd agree to it, or if they did, they'd somehow manage to find a therapist who would reinforce the way they see things and not see how things are from my side at all. I have had a bad experience of therapy in the past although I was not directly involved in it, really it depends so much on the therapist and the quality varies drastically. The one I'm thinking did so much MORE damage by reassuring a person whose behaviour was unacceptable that she was fine. I'm sure she didn't tell the whole truth which is why he thought that, but as a therapist he should have realised that people lying is a thing that is going to happen and things are rarely EXACTLY how any one of the actors involved describes them. So anyway, this person has carried on with her awful behaviour and we all have to put up with it, as she feels 'validated' by this awful therapist. But anyway, every time I think about it, I just can't face opening up communication with them again to arrange it.
A lot of the problem is I think the generation gap. They 'worked hard all their lives' (now retired early, and can expect to live longer than their working life as retirees so not sure how that works) and bought a house on a shopkeeper's salary, had a career and promotions, etc, can't see why I haven't made something of myself. They don't seem to appreciate how much harder it is now, although I guess it's a comforting story, to think that YOU made it because you're so great, not because you were born at a lucky time.
I have struggled from a very young age and they never really helped in any way, just told me that it was all my own fault. I believe I was diagnosed autistic very young and I also think, now thinking back, that both of them are autistic too (though undiagnosed, as they would not like the idea that something was 'wrong' with them). The diagnosis unfortunately wasn't much help either, for a while I went to a special school, but it was so skewed to boys that I hated it. They didn't really seem to understand autism in girls at all, which was unfortunate since I am one.
It's becoming more and more of a problem now I have become chronically ill and unable to work, I have really regressed. They were never any support at all so I guess I miss the support I see some of my peers getting from THEIR families. The trouble is, if you don't have that help at home from family, there doesn't seem to be any other options. Sure, the government or the NHS is meant to step in and help but so far since they've just lost my original diagnosis, so I'm just waiting in a two year queue to get re-diagnosed before I can access anything. Having looked, I probably shouldn't get my hopes up, because there isn't an awful lot. Ideally I'd have some sort of carer or PA would could come over a couple of times a week and just help me out with things that I have trouble dealing with myself, but who knows if I'll ever be able to get that. The thinking seems to be because I'm 'high functioning' I can go on functioning, even if it comes at a huge cost to me and leaves me mentally exhausted.
Depression and ctb-ing are much higher in autistic people than 'normal' people and I can see why. Though there seems to be a lot of literature and stuff about it, and all this 'you're special, not broken' nonsense stuff, the idea that there might be 'reasonable adaptations' made to take it into account, even with services you would expect to be understanding (eg GP receptionists) there is nothing. I've frequently been told off for my behaviour, when it's basically just autistic behaviour, I am never a threatening or violent individual, I'm just a bit 'weird' and unfortunately there's nothing I can do about it and I have to hear about how other people don't like it again and again and again. Sometimes they even say 'I'm saying this taking your autism into account...' and then fail in every single way to take my autism into account. I hope saying that made them feel better, though.
Anyway, be really interested in hearing from other autistic people and/or people who have become estranged from their parents.
Thanks for listening. I love this place <3

 

[MidnightDream]

Hi! I'm autistic. I really relate to your experience, people go off about how they understand autism but often they don't realise they're doing more harm than good.

In terms of sharing my experience, I became estranged from my mother when I was very young, around 12. She left us and moved in with a man who hated kids, so she decided she hated kids too. She was always very selfish and felt very little regard towards others - which now as an adult I understand was a result of her own trauma, albeit not an excuse. We remained that way for a long time, the time I did try to spend with her I was ignored and left in a corner (quite literally) and by the time I was 16, I was ready to engage in court proceedings to 'disown' her. For me, things did eventually get better. It took her a long time to relearn how to be a parent, she didn't want to take responsibility for a long time because that would mean accepting what she had done, but eventually things started to improve. I'm in my 20s now and we're more friends than anything else, and we're both happy with that. I don't think we could have ever got to this point if she had remained unwilling to take accountability for the damage she'd caused towards me and the impact she'd had on my upbringing, her taking responsibility and admitting her faults were a huge part of me being able to forgive her.

Some people just aren't meant to be parents, and what we do with that information is entirely up to us. You have to do what's best for you. Things getting better can mean so many different things, sometimes accepting the above and moving forward focusing solely on yourself is what's best.

 

[CatLover]

Nice to 'meet' you. It really is infuriating, isn't it? I am really getting tired of people having a go at me for my 'weird' behaviour when I don't think they realise how already I am making a HUGE effort to behave in an acceptable manner and they might have to drop, say, the demand for eye contact as it's just not a thing that autistic people are good at. I've never done it so it doesn't seem weird to me not to do it, it is only recently that I realised that most people do this all the time and it blew my mind. No way I'm doing that, especially as I never learned to now so it's a bit late to try and start. Can't people just try and make some accommodations instead of expecting us to behave exactly like people who aren't autistic? Well, clearly not.
I'm glad you managed to get to a beneficial relationship with your mother. I can't see it happening with either of my parents. I agree that some people should not have children, and I count myself in that category (and have not had them). I think back in the 70s when my parents bred it was 'just what you did' and you didn't spare a thought to consider whether you would be suited to the task or if perhaps you should not do it at all. Having said that, I did have a couple of wonderful friends who were even older than my parents who had chosen never to have children, so the option has always been out there, drifting around, if people sought it out. I guess mine didn't - I am here due to a laziness in finding contraception, which I also have my doubts was as difficult to locate as my father complains. I certainly found ways to find it in my early teens when I wanted to have hetero sex and didn't want babies.
I think probably the best thing for me right now is to carry on not speaking with them for my own mental health. It kind of makes me a bit sad though, as neither of us are in great health. But the years just haven't seemed to improve our relationship, if anything now I'm no longer 'successful' due to illness it's got worse as they can't go around boasting about me to people. I feel uncomfortable ruling it out for ever and ever, though.