Anyone else given up on being smart enough to follow through?

[Mari&mewo]

I have a fairly well rounded understanding of a few ways I could go... largely hanging full suspension but also partial. If i had the space without my family who im living with it wouldnt be hard. Also charcoal sounds like a soothing way to go... but hanging, that's the closest I've ever gotten to like- actually going through with it. now a-days the effort to compile something that would actually work seemed like too much. I'm only here because of inertia... not because I want to be. a little part of me is just resigned to thinking I'm too stupid to actually get a decent method set up. So- I try not to bother my loved ones with my suicidal feelings when I know I won't do anything. doesn't mean I don't think about it once a week for easily 6+ years-

I'm taking much better care of myself. medication three times a day, force feeding myself... I'm so tired of feeding myself. I wish i could ask my family to make me food when im hungry and have no spoons- but they're already unhappy with how much they have to do for me. I have a job now, I'm around my partner and friends again... I'm making more friends. things are working out better now. why am I still so convinced the only real solution to how overwhelmed the expectations to "grow up" is to off myself? and every second I'm awake I'm just failing more.

 

[hoppybunny]

So sorry you feel this, I'm also in a similar boat with improving but viewing suicide as the only solution. I have a few questions, is this a medicaiton issue or a mentality issue. For me it's a mentality issue because fundamentally life and me don't mix but i'm trying to get over it. or is it that despite how well your life goes, you can't feel any pleasure? cause it might be a medical issue that requires a psychiatrist.

is there anything that you believe would improve your mood.

from my experience resting makes me more depressed but working also makes me depressed cause of the exhaustion and i figured it was because of my school that i was too depressed to move and stay asleep for 3 days at a time. Meds can help with situational depression too tho. cause they helped me cope with my school. Unfortunately meds are slow acting and it can take months to feel something but after about 3 months if there's no change at all, you hve to increase dose or switch meds or blah blah blah and that's depressing too.

Depression is such a fucking bitch and i hope you can get better soon.


(This is the recovery section so i probably shouldn't be mentioning this but if nothing really works and you live in the US you can't go wrong with a shotgun to the head in a forest. just make sure the police find you before a weirdo finds you)