Tegan_sky
losing hope
- Aug 16, 2019
- 102
I don't know what happened. Yesterday afternoon and into the night, I went into high mania or else it was almost panic like what I went through 6 months ago. I don't know if it was all the attention and comments I got on a social media post I made, or the many emails exchanged with my brother in Colorado, Such mania I went and charged up another $1000.00 to credit cards. Shame and fear about that. If this was panic it was such that even the pattern on a quilt I had on my bed was too stimulating and I had to put it in the closet and get out an old, more subtle pattern quilt. Thought of calling a hotline, (definitely not the National Suicide hotline), but maybe the Institute on Aging's "friendship line," or this other one I think is in MA where you can talk even if you're not outright suicidal. Then I said, "remember how much worse off you got the last time you called a hotline?" Thought of posting here, but even seeing the red notifications indicating a reply, would have been too much. Mania? Panic attacks? Extreme anxiety? I don't know.
I was up at 2 am again this morning and it happened again, although not as bad as yesterday. At 9 am took a Benadryl and a melatonin, slept 5 hours, feel better. Sleep heals, and is an escape sometimes. Managed to cancel one online purchase I made yesterday and will return the other once I receive it. Thankfully. When I woke up at 2:30 this afternoon from the 5 hour nap, I still am staying bed, sitting and using the computer and journaling. Bed just simply feels like the safest place so often these days, even doing playing on the computer in bed, journaling in bed, eating in bed, safest in BED..
I almost would have wondered if I would kill myself yesterday just to get relief and make the mania/panic stop.
So I guess I felt this was a much better place to share, I usually have severe depression making me down and suicidal, but I do have bipolar and panic disorder too, just it doesn't happen as often as the depression.
Does anyone else have bipolar, anyone else get the opposite of severe depression, ...overexcitement, agitation, panic, mania? Sometimes all I need to know is that others get through it too. If you read this far, thank you so much for taking the time.
I was up at 2 am again this morning and it happened again, although not as bad as yesterday. At 9 am took a Benadryl and a melatonin, slept 5 hours, feel better. Sleep heals, and is an escape sometimes. Managed to cancel one online purchase I made yesterday and will return the other once I receive it. Thankfully. When I woke up at 2:30 this afternoon from the 5 hour nap, I still am staying bed, sitting and using the computer and journaling. Bed just simply feels like the safest place so often these days, even doing playing on the computer in bed, journaling in bed, eating in bed, safest in BED..
I almost would have wondered if I would kill myself yesterday just to get relief and make the mania/panic stop.
So I guess I felt this was a much better place to share, I usually have severe depression making me down and suicidal, but I do have bipolar and panic disorder too, just it doesn't happen as often as the depression.
Does anyone else have bipolar, anyone else get the opposite of severe depression, ...overexcitement, agitation, panic, mania? Sometimes all I need to know is that others get through it too. If you read this far, thank you so much for taking the time.
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