anyone else in limbo

[finish.me]

random energy spike so im in the mood to write. maybe its the iced latte im drinking right now? the title is a bit cryptic, so what i mean is, does anyone else feel like they're in between being absolutely certain they're going to kill themselves, but also feeling a slight..glimmer of hope that maybe things would be a little better if you held out? not an SI thing btw, like, im going to be moving out with my boyfriend in a month. this is going to change almost everything. my parents are abusers and i'm a hermit. when i'm with my boyfriend i won't feel afraid to go out to the kitchen or living room and retreat back into my room, and i'd need to go out for work and to sustain ourselves. but then again, it might not be better at all. i'd still be damaged, secretive, untrusting..socially anxious, low energy, etc, everything that comes with being me and everything that comes with having my fucking brain and body. my fucked up body. i don't think i can truly live out the rest of my life and i feel so low energy and shitty now that i don't even think it's worth pursuing, but MAYBE just maybe it is? like, its kind of cyclical, i don't want to live but what if i just.. do for a bit, and things change? i'm certain my life would still be pointless and offer me nothing and no sense of fufilment or comfort, but at least maybe i'd be able to go and cook breakfast without waiting till everyone leaves the house first, or go to bed without being scared that i'll be killed in my sleep..

 

[iplantoleave]

I understand you completely. Two months ago I was 100% certain that I was going to kill myself because of the direction my life was going. I set myself up for failure multiple times in hopes to get over SI. Convinced myself that there was no real reason to look forward to tomorrow. That feeling still lingers, I've yet to find a genuine reason to look forward for tomorrow. Here's where we relate, if given enough time, I believe that one day maybe I will be okay and that'll only happen if I live until then. Nothing changes if nothing changes, ya know? I think it's worth holding on to the idea of hope. I'm rooting for you.

 

[timf]

An abusive environment (such that you are even fearful of going into certain rooms) can greatly distort ones view of life. Sometimes a person can fight their way out almost as if picturing themselves as a battle hardened veteran with a knife clenched between their teeth escaping from behind enemy lines.

Other escapes are similar to a refugee fleeing a brutal government. One problem that can arise in oppressive environments is that the perception of the external rises and the perception of the internal (who you are) diminishes. If you can begin to see your situation almost in military tactical terms, you may be able to begin to separate yourself from your environment.

By seeing yourself as separate from a toxic environment you may be able to remove some of the toxicity of seeing yourself as defective (this is a common result of abuse). A physical relocation does not always impart a mental disconnection. However, as you begin to live a life apart from the defensive reactions to a hostile environment, you can begin to see yourself more clearly (both the good and the bad). It is at this point you can have the freedom to make changes and work at developing the person you would like to be.