Anyone else just keep postponing ctb?

[suicidaljane]

I have been contemplating suicide for 7 months now. After failed attempt 7 months ago I have been planning and researching methods almost obsessively. I have read probably more than hundreds different articles and threads on this forum about suicide. But everytime I have chance to ctb and set a date, I can´t do it and I postpone. When the set date comes I find some excuse (for example this week excuse was that it is Easter so I dont wanna ruin the celebrations for my family) and just say I will do it next week. And this cycle has been going for months. I thought I wont make it to 2025 and now it is almost May. I didnt even realize how fast the months passed, I feel like Im living the same day everyday - just planning my suicide. And it is not even like I enjoy life. I literally feel like I am already dead, like my soul died months ago, nothing makes me happy and I am totally numb.

 

[Thekla]

Yeah, I'm too much of a pussy right now. I'm scared of going to Hell.

 

[ZeroKelvin]

was planiing to ctb this month end...getting on the fence rn....most of the time i get the urge...but not yet fully committeed.

 

[Worndown]

It is safe to say everyone here is delaying. One time I chatted with a new member and they went for it the next day. Done.
It is not a race. You may find yourself in a situation where this is the solution. It usually is not bad enough to make you do it right away.
One day, if it gets bad enough, you will catch a bus. You may want to the entire time, but actually doing it happens when you cross the point where you cannot continue.
It is need based, not want based.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

I prepared everything for ctb but keep postponing it because I never actually wanted to die. All I want is to live happily and peacefully. The problem is, it's impossible and will never happen. I've been a failure all my life and made so many mistakes. I'll have to ctb eventually, there's no other choice for me, it's done. I hope to do it in april as I planned.

 

[getoutgirl]

Been there done that for the past 5 years or so. There is always an excuse, usually family related. Winter 2021 I believed with certainty would be my last, and every year since I promised to never reach the next. But Hi!
Some good things have happened during those years, some just a few days after a botched attempt, some I'm glad I got to experience. I also get days where I really wish I had commited earlier. Days and weeks just spent planning suicide. Time flies and it does feel just like a painful reminder, a sort of failure that you are still there. Numbness, darkness and cold and not much to wake up to and yadda yadda. Like you say you can barely call this living. Survival at its best. At its worst is just death with the brain on and unable but desperatedly wishing it would turn off.
This is all to say I feel you. And I really hope it gets easier for you somehow <3

 

[sanction]

Yup. All the time. Almost 8 years of postponing now. Definitely sucks

 

[suicidaljane]

I prepared everything for ctb but keep postponing it because I never actually wanted to die. All I want is to live happily and peacefully. The problem is, it's impossible and will never happen. I've been a failure all my life and made so many mistakes. I'll have to ctb eventually, there's no other choice for me, it's done. I hope to do it in april as I planned.

I feel very similar. I have everything prepared, know what needs to be done but I just cant do it. I am also failure and cant get my shit together. I hope to finally get the courage and do it this month.

Been there done that for the past 5 years or so. There is always an excuse, usually family related. Winter 2021 I believed with certainty would be my last, and every year since I promised to never reach the next. But Hi!
Some good things have happened during those years, some just a few days after a botched attempt, some I'm glad I got to experience. I also get days where I really wish I had commited earlier. Days and weeks just spent planning suicide. Time flies and it does feel just like a painful reminder, a sort of failure that you are still there. Numbness, darkness and cold and not much to wake up to and yadda yadda. Like you say you can barely call this living. Survival at its best. At its worst is just death with the brain on and unable but desperatedly wishing it would turn off.
This is all to say I feel you. And I really hope it gets easier for you somehow <3

Exactly I am not really livng life but just surviving. Anyway, thanks, I hope to somehow find a way out of this misery

 

[AllAloneAndSad]

Me. Present! Here. Yup. Have a job interviews next week and was able to sleep and eat normally. I have everything ready. I almost paid for the hotel but my friend believes in faith, hope and miracles. She supports me in my journey and then 2 interviews show up.
Yeah...me ....delaying but I have everything. As I know myself, one day I will be in the darkest hole ever and I will put my exit bag, turn on the nitro and go away...at last.

 

[suicidaljane]

Me. Present! Here. Yup. Have a job interviews next week and was able to sleep and eat normally. I have everything ready. I almost paid for the hotel but my friend believes in faith, hope and miracles. She supports me in my journey and then 2 interviews show up.
Yeah...me ....delaying but I have everything. As I know myself, one day I will be in the darkest hole ever and I will put my exit bag, turn on the nitro and go away...at last.

At least it is nice that you have someone supporting you.

 

[NonEssential]

I'm too incompetent to live.
I'm too incompetent to die.

 

[AllAloneAndSad]

At least it is nice that you have someone supporting you.

It sure is. She knows that I am not mentally and emotionally well. She accepts me for who I am.

 

[suicidaljane]

I'm too incompetent to live.
I'm too incompetent to die.

Exacatly! Im unable to have a good and happy life and I am also unable to end it. I study every little detail of method to do it right but I just cant do it. And then I hear or read about people who managed to do it, probably even without detailed planning and without having many information and I feel like idiot.

 

[bankai]

There's absolutely no reason for me to exist anymore. It hasn't been for the past few years. But I keep postponing because I'm afraid of hanging. I'm hoping I come across a better method.But to be honest, there's no such thing as a surefire method. I might as well go for it soon.

 

[Dark Moon]

I don't see the point of living myself, I'm just distracting myself and delaying the inevitable until the time comes. I wish their was an easier way for me to go out.

I'm similar in I don't enjoy much and I'm kind of numb and desentisized now.

 

[unimaginativelamp]

Yes. I've gone back and forth for years (don't look at when this account was made... at a certain point, it gets sad). I'm afraid. And I keep contracting for safety with my therapist. Low key, I'm waiting for the week that she forgets to say, "by the way, you're not allowed to kill yourself this week."

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I've been postponing it for years in a way, when I traveled to study abroad in 2021 I promised my mother I would return —i.e. I wouldn't kill myself there— and was tempted to just throw myself on the train tracks a good couple of times. I thought it would get better. It didn't.

And that been pretty much my year. I knew from January I wanted to die and, I don't know, it's that little stupid hope of her coming back that makes me postpone coupled with my mother saying she'd kill herself if I do. I have no idea where to go, I just feel trapped: I don't want to live, but I can't die either. I miss her, but every day I lose a little bit more hope.

PS: @suicidaljane The Circle, such a beautiful album!

 

[updog]

I wanted to go a week or two ago, but I bough a new game and I was playing it since. (Un)fortunately easter is comming and I can't be fucked celebrating it, so I will probably ctb in few days.

 

[Forveleth]

One day, if it gets bad enough, you will catch a bus. You may want to the entire time, but actually doing it happens when you cross the point where you cannot continue.

This was it for me. I kept trying to schedule my day and each time leading up to it, my brain would start twisting itself around to convince me living was not so bad. I got nervous and anxious about my attempts and I could not go through with it. So I stopped setting a date and just lived my life.

Then one day I woke up and just felt "ready". I was not nervous or scared. I was 100% comfortable with the thought of no longer existing and what I had to do to get there. Unfortunately my attempt did not work, but I was comfortable with death and dying. I am not postponing so much as waiting for that feeling to come back. I know it will and I will be ready when it does.

 

[S like Siren]

Well it's not that I am postponing it,it's just I am still here because I keep failing.
I don't even know how to describe it, how it feels because it's beyond frustation and feeling in a continuous limbo where I am forced to live no matter what.
I know dying is the best thing and rhe best decision but instead i am still here breathing,all my attempts have failed and I realized I am unable to kill myself at the moment.

 

[suicidaljane]

Well it's not that I am postponing it,it's just I am still here because I keep failing.
I don't even know how to describe it, how it feels because it's beyond frustation and feeling in a continuous limbo where I am forced to live no matter what.
I know dying is the best thing and rhe best decision but instead i am still here breathing,all my attempts have failed and I realized I am unable to kill myself at the moment.

Yeah I get that feeling of being frustrated and stuck in this world.. I also think huge reason why I keep postponing is fear of not actually dying and failing the attempt. Consequences of failed attempt would be horrible.

 

[fringesoflife]

I've been struggling with this myself, for me though it comes down to a factor of being afraid of surviving but being messed up. I've narrowed it down to jumping from a significant height or a shotgun blast in the mouth. The thing is driving to a place I'm sure I'll sure takes time and effort and I lack the energy. Pretty much the same deal it's a lot of work and what if they reject my application. I keep putting it off but the way my life is I just need to toughen up and do it.

 

[Arrival03]

Honestly don't know why I'm still here, I have no future yet I still somehow believe things are going to get better.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Poiter1987]

Yeah, I'm too much of a pussy right now. I'm scared of going to Hell.

Yeah i feel this to. Even though I don't think logically i should go to hell. What if it exists

 

[aiyuxhan]

Yeah, I keep postponing too. Because of holidays and all that :/ Also, my husband has a lot of friends (I don't anymore). And they all have birthdays and what not. His best friend got married recently, and that made me not attempt anything at all

Yesterday was my sister's death anniversary. I have been feeling very depressed because of it and just want to go :/

 

[LostLily]

I been suicidal most of my life but I"m too much of a coward to actually do it. Currently gather most of the material and just waiting for my Sn to come in. And I was considering doing it in September of this year, but an event is happening next year that I kind of want to go to.

 

[nooseknot]

It is safe to say everyone here is delaying. One time I chatted with a new member and they went for it the next day. Done.
It is not a race. You may find yourself in a situation where this is the solution. It usually is not bad enough to make you do it right away.
One day, if it gets bad enough, you will catch a bus. You may want to the entire time, but actually doing it happens when you cross the point where you cannot continue.
It is need based, not want based.

never looked at it from this perspective...interesting

 

[imOK]

I have a similar history of mental illness and marginalization than many here but truth to be told, I've actually never seriously considered suicide since about two months ago. I'm in my 40s now and my very old cat I doted on and cared for 24/7 (she had a lot of health issues) died. Now my parents are not faring much better lately and it kinda hit my like a train - that's what life is. It's not getting better, it's just getting progressively worse until it literally becomes impossible to survive. Nobody lives forever and death is more or less pretty random. This is objective fact. I also have my share of health naggles now, nothing serious but these things will all just progress, too. What is the point to all this? I'm currently actually on kind of a high note and it'll all just get a lost worse in the coming years for very many, real reasons I have objectively no power over. I don't want to pick through the garbage, go to bed hungry or generally just survive on the bare minimum of substinence so I chose to go out on my own terms. Let's face it - the optimism of my therapist, bless her soul, who goes on vacation at least three times a year won't pay my bills. Her agreeing with me that this is the case doesn't fix anything. I hear that yes, we all die, but it's all about the journey - but what if that journey kinda sucks and just gets worse every day?

I'm chronically mentally ill and I do have problems with depression but I think exiting is one of the soundest decisions I ever took. I also noticed that I really just don't care that much anymore, about anything. I used to get so upset about the evil in the world and things I read on the news. I haven't read the news in over a month. I'm tired of the wickedness of people too and the fact that there simply is no justice. Evil always prevails and I also don't want to become a victim of it. At least not more than I already am. If they want this space and eventually rule over a garbage heap, by all means, they can have it. Just leave me out of it.

It's better this way. But I am also not in a rush. I'm planning this very carefully, probably more careful than I've ever planned anything else in my life. I think it's appropiate and not "delaying", in any way.

 

[lunar02102009]

Been postponing it for a few months now after a few failed attemps . I just wish i could snap my fingers and have a painless death thats it , if there was a way to die eqsily without any pain im sure half the people would be dead rn but unfortunately there isnt