Discussion Anyone else not wanting to go, but are not seeing a future ahead for themselves that they can tolerate anymore?

[MoonlitNight]

I think this will be the case for most people, wanting to have a beautiful life but are held back by situations or people. Tell me your story. I need some support.

For me, I was raised in a narcissistic household with Patriarchal society. Its basically the same as giving your bully full control over your life. People who have dealt with narcissists will understand the constant put-downs, comparisons, gaslighting, manipulation, entitlement, arrogance and grandiosity they have. I will be giving my entrance exams for college soon and I have been waiting to finally be out of this environment. I think I may have C-PTSD. And I've been waiting for forever for it. But recently my Narc father has dropped hints of not letting me move. That it was unnecessary. I have never believed in a future for myself because I believed they were always going to be there. But my partner would be here for me letting me know i'd get my freedom soon.

But Im starting to see that this is slipping out of my control. I wont be allowed to move. If I dont pass these exams, I'll have to stay here for 6 years, If I do pass these exams and he doesnt allow me to move, I'll be here for 5 years. I dont want to be here anymore. I cannot tolerate another year with them let alone more. I'd be like 25 or 26 by then. I cannot just get a job or move out on my own. I am in India. I dont want to die. I want to have a future with my boyfriend, and taste good food, and be silly and sing and not be scared to be myself or like what I like. But Im starting to understand I wont be able to do these anymore. So I want to die.

And I feel pathetic for this. there are so many of you out there with real problems like financial issues, chronic illnesses, crippling disabilities and whatnot. and I want to go just because I cannot handle another year with my parents even if it means I dont have to worry about education or financial stability. But i cant. I cannot endure this anymore. I dont wanna be here anymore. I want to hear other people's problems. Please let me know im not alone.

 

[tiredash]

I suppose everyone fits that... People dont want just to die. They suffer, they see no exit, and thus, want to die...

In my case, the chances of me having a good future are very small... Finding someone, and having enough money to live somewhere else than this dumpster... And tbh, the economic stuff is even reachable for me, working several years, but I just dont have the strength for that, feeling so lonely... I also have depression.

 

[lawr]

I know how you feel. I won't get into all the specifics in this comment, however, I'm in a situation right now that could be fixed/tolerated with a little bit of elbow grease and determination, but I just can't fucking take it anymore. Just can't. There is nothing stopping me from fixing my life but me. I have the tools at my disposal. I can do something about it. I just don't want to anymore. I'd just rather die. Every time I see the beauty that exists in this world I also see the massive chore it is to secure some of that beauty and happiness for myself. Everything's a drag and an inconvenience. And I really get how unbearable living with family like that can be. If I could snap my finger and magically change one thing in my life I'd change whatever needed to be changed in order for me to never have to live with my family again. Don't necessarily want to be rich or powerful or even exceptionally happy. Just want them away from me so I can be who I am without scrutiny. If my existence was represented by a lit candle, my family being around me would be the equivalent of someone forcefully smothering its flame never allowing it to fulfill its purpose.

 

[MoonlitNight]

I know how you feel. I won't get into all the specifics in this comment, however, I'm in a situation right now that could be fixed/tolerated with a little bit of elbow grease and determination, but I just can't fucking take it anymore. Just can't. There is nothing stopping me from fixing my life but me. I have the tools at my disposal. I can do something about it. I just don't want to anymore. I'd just rather die. Every time I see the beauty that exists in this world I also see the massive chore it is to secure some of that beauty and happiness for myself. Everything's a drag and an inconvenience. And I really get how unbearable living with family like that can be. If I could snap my finger and magically change one thing in my life I'd change whatever needed to be changed in order for me to never have to live with my family again. Don't necessarily want to be rich or powerful or even exceptionally happy. Just want them away from me so I can be who I am without scrutiny. If my existence was represented by a lit candle, my family being around me would be the equivalent of someone forcefully smothering its flame never allowing it to fulfill its purpose.

This exactly. It feels like they're the first to run to criticize me if its not how he had wanted me to do something. I know I can fix my life/get out of here by tolerating it and getting a good education and then cutting contact further down the line. But I cant. I just cannot anymore. I feel like wasted potential. With the right support and love I could have been fluent in 4 languages by now but no, Im fluent in one and barely making it on the rest.

your comment about being able to change things in the snap of a finger is felt. so much felt. We're gonna be full fletched adults (not even young adults) soon. All our energy is going to be spent surviving our OWN HOME and you think we can juggle a job, an education and a relationship for a family for later? It's overwhelming. I just cant do it.

My best wishes to you and I hope you find a little bit of more meaning for your life everyday, and that you may be able to leave safely.

 

[mysticatedwine]

I know exactly what you mean. No disabilities nor unbearable illnesses here. All I lack is more healthy social connections, and a decent future for me and those I love. The first I could've gotten with more efforts, and the latter seems like too much to ask for, given the direction this world is taking.

At the end of the day, there is no right or wrong reason to want to die, I presume... The pain is what matters. The suffering, the insecurities, the worry, they're what make my life a living hell. I wish I could stay, but this place is going nowhere.

 

[areyousafe??]

I understand how hard it is to grow up/live in a toxic household and the desperation to move out.

My sister moved out of the family home despite not being "allowed" to. She did it in one day when my mum (who wouldn't let her move out) went overseas.

What is stopping you from moving out on your own?

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I suppose everyone fits that... People dont want just to die. They suffer, they see no exit, and thus, want to die...

In my case, the chances of me having a good future are very small... Finding someone, and having enough money to live somewhere else than this dumpster... And tbh, the economic stuff is even reachable for me, working several years, but I just dont have the strength for that, feeling so lonely... I also have depression.

Maybe most are like that. but for me i want to die asap. i just need to get over the fear of failing a suicide attempt and remaining alive with brain damaged or disabled.

imo i've seen others here say they also want to die.

 

[Boots2Scoots]

Yeah... I pretty much threw my away my future. And I could technically keep pushing until my d-day comes and go through that hell. But I'd rather go out on a high note in life, it's currently at its peak and I wasn't supposed to see a downswing in that until 30 years from now. Instead, it'll all be gone any day now.

 

[MoonlitNight]

I understand how hard it is to grow up/live in a toxic household and the desperation to move out.

My sister moved out of the family home despite not being "allowed" to. She did it in one day when my mum (who wouldn't let her move out) went overseas.

What is stopping you from moving out on your own?

It's why I mentioned I was in India. Currency here is shit, tuition is hella expensive, and we dont have part-time jobs like other countries. I'd like to move to another state but plane tickets and taxes and shit exist. And i just dont want to anymore.

And I wont be able to deal with the trouble after it because I know they will call the police and stuff. In short, I will not be safe. I will not be happy. I will not be free.
I dont want to be here anymore. Cheers to your sister, good luck to her.