Discussion anyone else regret not killing themselves sooner

[Jon Arbuckle]

Has anyone else been in a situation where they could have attempted, decided not to, and then later regretted it?
I'll use myself as an example.
I really, really wish I had just killed myself when I was 15. I didn't because I was scared of the method I wanted to use (jumping). The funny thing is I have a pretty strong belief that children shouldn't ever kill themselves, that they should at least wait until theyre an adult to decide if their life is really not worth continuing, but I consider myself an exception. In july someone tried to convince me not to kill myself and they went "think of all the things you got to do and all the friends you got to make after you tried to CTB!!" but ive done basically nothing worthwhile in the 6 years between then and now. If anything, I've only hurt people close to me, it would have been better if I had just killed myself bc then I wouldn't have hurt anyone. I'm ashamed that I'm 21 and still haven't died already.

 

[Yume Nikki]

Yes, I was planning to ctb before I was hospitalized and afterwards, I met my abusive ex there who manipulated me and then discarded me 8 months later. I regret not dying sooner because the pain that came with this breakup was the most unbearable feeling I had in my life. I wish he rejected me or we at least stayed friends. I'm planning another method but it's delayed due to a family trip I'm going on in around 5-6 days.

(Edit: I've actually been planning my death for years around age 19-20 but I never went through with it due to the fear of dying, what comes after wards etc.)

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No because I didn't have a way for me to kill myself. If I did have a way for me to reliably kill myself and I didn't ctb, I would regret not killing myself sooner but since I was never in a position where I could ctb in the first place, I don't have any regrets

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly regret suffering in this existence, it really does feel like I've suffered for so long in this existence I never would have wished for and never would have chosen, I'll always see so much cruelty in how I cannot just have the option to painlessly cease existing to finally escape from this existence I always saw as deeply undesirable. Human existence truly does feel like the most terrible, cruel mistake to me and I suffer so much from being enslaved in this existence, I regret existing at all, more than anything I wish this existence was never imposed, I'd never wish to be conscious of anything at all, I'd always prefer to not exist than be burdened with this torturous, futile existence.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I wish my Mum had had chemotherapy for her cancer and aborted me to begin with. I first had ideation age 10 but the reason that I didn't do it then is the same I still haven't done it now- I felt sure it would really upset certain people. The further back, the more there were to upset. (They've died throughout the years.) So, I can't be upset that I didn't do it before- for their sake. For me though? I could well have done without most of my life. Not that I was suicidal then but, age 9 would have been ideal. Spare myself the shitstorm that descended when I turned 10.

 

[tanabatawish]

Honestly, sure. I'm more surprised that I'm still alive after everything I've went through. Realistically the only thing that kept me going up until this point was the constant promise of things "getting better" although evidently it's been 6-8 years and I haven't seen any evidence of this.

 

[areyousafe??]

There was a post on Reddit asking what you would tell your 16 year old self. I said that I would tell my 16 year old self to kill herself now, and not to wait in the hope of things getting better.

I was sent a message that I will be permanently banned if I keep "inciting violence".

 

[theater]

It's hard to know if I regret not doing it sooner, because I have not done it yet.

The question is framed in a strange way. I would reword it as, "Why are you staying alive?"

I'm staying alive just to sit with my dogs. They show me love even though I'm suicidal and depressed. They are sweet little babies who don't know about pain like I do. But they see I am in pain and they will cuddle closer. I would have CTB a long time ago without them.

It is painful when my gf takes my dogs away from me. I regularly remind her to let me hang out with one dog at least. She is extremely ego driven and it doesn't register in her mind why I want to be with my dogs.

 

[Jon Arbuckle]

I certainly regret suffering in this existence, it really does feel like I've suffered for so long in this existence I never would have wished for and never would have chosen, I'll always see so much cruelty in how I cannot just have the option to painlessly cease existing to finally escape from this existence I always saw as deeply undesirable. Human existence truly does feel like the most terrible, cruel mistake to me and I suffer so much from being enslaved in this existence, I regret existing at all, more than anything I wish this existence was never imposed, I'd never wish to be conscious of anything at all, I'd always prefer to not exist than be burdened with this torturous, futile existence.

okay

 

[Andrew10]

In my case it's not regret, it's anger. I tried it 2 times 3 years ago when I was 17, the first time I ingested bleach I was drowning and ended up vomiting everything, it was horrible, the second was a survival attempt with the inert gas method, I ended up with 3 days of extreme headache and damaged vision forever, my regret is having survived, the fear of ending up being a vegetable or other consequences that end up leaving me disabled in this world have left me paused, but every time I think about that I only get angry, I wish I had died despite the pain.

 

[S like suicide]

Absolutly,me.
The fact is that ctb is not so simply as it may seem....at least was not so easy dying for me.
4 years in attempting and still here,but I am sure one day,hopefully soon,I will succeed.
I wish I died at 21yrs old

 

[Forveleth]

See quote under username

 

[divinemistress36]

It's hard to know if I regret not doing it sooner, because I have not done it yet.

The question is framed in a strange way. I would reword it as, "Why are you staying alive?"

I'm staying alive just to sit with my dogs. They show me love even though I'm suicidal and depressed. They are sweet little babies who don't know about pain like I do. But they see I am in pain and they will cuddle closer. I would have CTB a long time ago without them.

It is painful when my gf takes my dogs away from me. I regularly remind her to let me hang out with one dog at least. She is extremely ego driven and it doesn't register in her mind why I want to be with my dogs.

Dogs are the only good things in this world

 

[theater]

Dogs are the only good things in this world

I agree + cats. I am beyond allergic to cats as an adult. I grew up loving, cuddling, and napping on the ground with a black cat named Colby. She was a sweet, loving baby. I cried for so long when she passed away. No one in my family was upset in the slightest. Honestly they were confused by my reaction.

Of course my dad would soon continue hitting me and also punish me with naked spanking with a leather belt for showing these emotions.

 

[divinemistress36]

I agree + cats. I am beyond allergic to cats as an adult. I grew up loving, cuddling, and napping on the ground with a black cat named Colby. She was a sweet, loving baby. I cried for so long when she passed away. No one in my family was upset in the slightest. Honestly they were confused by my reaction.

Of course my dad would soon continue hitting me and also punish me with naked spanking with a leather belt for showing these emotions.

Im sorry you went through that <3

 

[Suspect_Device]

I should have killed myself three years ago. I tried to buy a gun but was on the crazy list so I got denied. Then I gave up but I wish I had just driven to a gun show and got one. At this point, after years of failed medical treatment and being unable to work, I'm going to leave a massive debt behind and that bothers me.

 

[ineedyoutoloveme]

OD'ed like 4 times AND A BITCH STILL HERE!!! I get incredibly mad whenever I think about it. Like I am actively trying to CTB I swear.

 

[nomoredolor]

12/4/24 on the phone with my now deceased best friend. I regret very much that my attempt was clumsy and unsuccessful.

I will join my love a little later (as soon as I can swallow the guilt of what I'm doing to my loved ones)

Anna

 

[SunshineFading]

I feel like I should've done it 7 years ago when I had my best chance. I now feel trapped in a loveless relationship (on my end) and I feel hounded by my abusive and manipulative family, whom have not stopped in both childhood and now in adulthood. I hate all of them. My boyfriend I like, but have come to the realization I might just not like men. I feel disgusting and I hate every moment I remain here (in consciousness, not with y'all)

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Not at all. I know when the time is right, I'll feel it. Right now, it doesn't feel right, and I don't feel ready, it feels too early.

 

[helloandbye1]

Yeah, I should have done it at 14, for sure.

 

[pariah80]

I should've done it when I was 11. Like most people, I kept buying the "it gets better" crap. Not anymore.

 

[CatLvr]

Dogs are the only good things in this world

Any animal that lets you in. I have been astounded at the affection and intuitiveness of all kinds of animals -- domesticated and not. If only humans were half as bright as we think we are, we might not suffer so much. Ir cause so much suffering.

I agree + cats. I am beyond allergic to cats as an adult. I grew up loving, cuddling, and napping on the ground with a black cat named Colby. She was a sweet, loving baby. I cried for so long when she passed away. No one in my family was upset in the slightest. Honestly they were confused by my reaction.

Of course my dad would soon continue hitting me and also punish me with naked spanking with a leather belt for showing these emotions.

Oh my gosh, that is terrible. I am so sorry this happened to you.

 

[vercabow]

my biggest regret in life is not ending it earlier so yeah. too bad in every opportunity i was blinded by false hope and didn't go through with it.

 

[alivefornow]

Yes. I am done with life but I can't seem to end myself, so I am just existing day after day in this little inescapable pain sphere of a life that constricts me.

 

[hana49]

Yes oh my god, before my ex left me. He would've been fine as he is now

 

[onelastcall]

To be honest I didn't know how to but yes I wish I came across this site earlier.

 

[ClownWorld2023]

I wish I had killed my self a decade ago, but then again, I could not find any information about methods, and I don't think I'd have been able to go through with it (inert gas method).

 

[5karlet]

i think i was 16 or 17 and was just staring at the gun nothing stopping me from doing it it could've ended then and there but i didn't. somehow flipped that into being a positive thing (idk if not caring about anything is positive but it is to me) and things really have only gotten worse but after moving in with pops things are starting to look better

 

[CandleShade]

"It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late."
― Emil Cioran, The Trouble With Being Born