Hasn't been long since I signed up to sasu, and this is my first post, so maybe a short introduction would be nice.
I'm a 25 yo guy, born in a small city into a fucked up, abusive, tormented family. Wanted to CTB since I was 5 (first memory). I ran away from my family and eventually stopped talking to them altogether a couple of years ago. Had longer bouts of depression, substance use, and similar stuff. Eventually recognized I had to overcome my traumas, or at least work on them, and I did all I could do to help myself. Managed to get to a point in life where I was genuinely enjoying myself. Recently had to recognize how extremely fragile that happiness was with no support to fall back on. Most people would consider me financially well off, I'm about to lose my source of income though, my place to stay, have no people I could truly connect with, no one to hug, no one to talk to who would understand me. If I think about my future, I don't see how this could change. All I see is working 40 hours a week, with no prospect of breaking out, and in spite of all my trying, not being able to find people to connect with. And thus started to think about CTB again. Pretty hard. I don't want to do it tho.
I read posts in this forum, and reconized that there are people like me here - just very hard to find IRL. People who struggle, who have "exceptional" emotional sensitivity (or just a sentisive perception in general), who prefer deep insightful conversations, who prefer to be grounded (and struggle with that in today's world). Who suffered through childhood, who have been made outcasts even though there was nothing wrong with them aside from how different behaviors and ways of relating they learned at home as kids. Who find it hard to cope with all their emotions, loneliness, need for love and affection, maybe subtances, while having to maintain a life - go to work, do chores, sometimes force themselves to socialize, whatever. And who struggle to find meaning in their lives, and have no one they could really connect with.
That's what I propose - to connect. Share whatever happened to you, listen to what happened to me and other. Accept each other as we are. Connect as if we haven't been conditioned by society not to love and care for each other. Just spend time next to each other. Just like we'd do alone, with no pressure. Doing whatever.
I don't expect anyone to wanna meet up with strangers straight away, so feel free to comment first. PS. I'm Hungarian, wrote this in English because that's the language of the site - so you must speak it too, and there might be foreigners in BP reading here too.
I'm a 25 yo guy, born in a small city into a fucked up, abusive, tormented family. Wanted to CTB since I was 5 (first memory). I ran away from my family and eventually stopped talking to them altogether a couple of years ago. Had longer bouts of depression, substance use, and similar stuff. Eventually recognized I had to overcome my traumas, or at least work on them, and I did all I could do to help myself. Managed to get to a point in life where I was genuinely enjoying myself. Recently had to recognize how extremely fragile that happiness was with no support to fall back on. Most people would consider me financially well off, I'm about to lose my source of income though, my place to stay, have no people I could truly connect with, no one to hug, no one to talk to who would understand me. If I think about my future, I don't see how this could change. All I see is working 40 hours a week, with no prospect of breaking out, and in spite of all my trying, not being able to find people to connect with. And thus started to think about CTB again. Pretty hard. I don't want to do it tho.
I read posts in this forum, and reconized that there are people like me here - just very hard to find IRL. People who struggle, who have "exceptional" emotional sensitivity (or just a sentisive perception in general), who prefer deep insightful conversations, who prefer to be grounded (and struggle with that in today's world). Who suffered through childhood, who have been made outcasts even though there was nothing wrong with them aside from how different behaviors and ways of relating they learned at home as kids. Who find it hard to cope with all their emotions, loneliness, need for love and affection, maybe subtances, while having to maintain a life - go to work, do chores, sometimes force themselves to socialize, whatever. And who struggle to find meaning in their lives, and have no one they could really connect with.
That's what I propose - to connect. Share whatever happened to you, listen to what happened to me and other. Accept each other as we are. Connect as if we haven't been conditioned by society not to love and care for each other. Just spend time next to each other. Just like we'd do alone, with no pressure. Doing whatever.
I don't expect anyone to wanna meet up with strangers straight away, so feel free to comment first. PS. I'm Hungarian, wrote this in English because that's the language of the site - so you must speak it too, and there might be foreigners in BP reading here too.
