are depressed people expected to suck it up or kill themselves?

[monetpompo]

dm if you want my 3DS friend code bc that's all i play lol​

i don't think anyone likes me anymore. i don't get texts from any of my irl friends and i don't have any ways to make new friends irl since i don't leave the house and i don't want to have to tell people i use he/him pronouns when i don't pass.

i keep thinking about my depression and being miserable and i wonder if i'm the kind of person that's meant to die. if no one cares about me and i don't care about myself, i think that i'm supposed to see suicide as a legitimate option for myself because my life genuinely isn't going anywhere. i am not accomplishing anything. i'm never going to have the money to move out of my parents' house and they'll always see me as less than them. if unemployed depressed people are seen as lazy scum, then i don't think anyone's going to care about me until i die. no one's telling me that i shouldn't kill myself because they don't care how depressed i am. if i died, they would just keep doing what they do and forget about me until my birthday came around, if they still remembered that.

i'm never going to be seen as human as long as i'm depressed. i'll just be a sad and boring person you have to pretend that you like. i'm hypersensitive to any mentions of suicide now but i can't tell anyone because it'll make people uncomfortable. i've spent the better half of this year looking up and having intrusive thoughts about suicide. none of my friends are capable of understanding the way i feel and my mom thinks that telling me i'll go to hell for killing myself will make me not do it, when i already know that i would go to hell because i'm trans. i think that my mom should imagine me burning in hell forever when i actually die if that's what makes her feel good, instead of me being alive.

this is just another whiny depression post. i'm just tired of no one caring about me. i hate that committing suicide is hard when no one cares if i'm alive or dead. i don't know why i only become important to people when i'm already dead and they realize that i basically had nothing to live for besides playing video games. i wish that people wanted to hang out with me more, but i already know that i don't have a lot of things in common with people in my life.

 

[qewpie]

i also think im the kind of person who's meant to die, and i've thought this for a long time. and i also thought i was a lazy scum bc my life was going nowhere at age 24. but the world is what convinced me that i was lazy scum, so i adopted the mindset that i don't need the world's perspective of me, that i don't have to live up to any expectations. i can just be lazy scum until the day it's not financially possible and then i would go.

playing video games is a decent reason to live :)

 

[euthanizeddog]

i think i understand how you might be feeling, i used to wish i could get worse so people would finally start caring about me. of course that never really happened, it was all superficial and short-lasting.

you said you like video games, right? what kind of games do you play? i'm more of a casual and keep my niche related to rhythm games or simple mechanics, i enjoy playing roblox too.

i noticed you also like pmmm, or are at least familiar with it. i have a figure of madoka ! do you have anything similar?

also, i'm sorry if this thread was just meant to be a vague, short one, and you didn't actually seek any sort of comfort.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi. A quick succession of disjointed thoughts while reading:

I like you, I think you are cool. I also don't get text from my irl friends, but that's unrelated to the fact I have most all of them blocked and some may think I'm dead, unrelated, they probably just find me annoying. I've found out online friends are great, leaving the house rarely is, dysphoria sucks both social and physical, true, even if a lot of ppl dont give a fuck. I remember your sister cared about you. cares. Parental expectation suck I agree, and yours based on the comments I remember them making I'd say suck at least in part too, don't pay mind to them if u can. Personal opinion, I also think I look suicidable af. Very dumb thing, but lemme explain, if there was a police procedural casting in my area for a suicide victim, like for just a picture or a scene right before jumping somewhere, I believe I could just walk into the casting office and they'd say Yeah, you got it. I just have a suicidable look and drip to me imo. And I've also thought I am probably meant to die by suicide at some point, and still think that, but that's a secret. So I don't know if you are the kind of person who is meant to die, I don't think anyone is, except me, so based on that you could be fine. I think you can be. I also deal weirdly with mentions of suicide irl, I just mhhhmmmm my way through or in silence like I've never even heard the word. Depression sucks and it eats your brain out from the inside. You are a person, depressed messy person like we all are and it sucks we sometimes feel with need the permision or opinion or perception of others to believe us people. I wish you were one in better circumstances is all. Cos I know if shit got better for you externally, your mind would slowly sing that tune too, or a better one. How to go about and do that, I wish I knew, I only know it's posible. Also, and more importantly than anything before I've said, or anyone ever for that matter, videogames are cool it's okay just to live for them.

End of quick succession of disjointed thoughts.

 

[monetpompo]

what kind of games do you play? i'm more of a casual and keep my niche related to rhythm games or simple mechanics, i enjoy playing roblox too.

i recently modded my 3ds and started playing shin megami tensei: strange journey redux on it, which is a dungeon crawler with monster mechanics similar to pokemon. i have a couple more games but i don't variate that much because i'm kind of lazy. i also like playing rpgmaker games (Ib, OFF, Wadanohara and the Great Blue Sea) on my laptop. i also had a chess phase but i would get too upset when i lost. i think that i still like chess, but when my self esteem is really low i get sad when i play it. one of my favorite hobbies is watching movies, but i end up wanting to do other stuff instead because i have intrusive thoughts and get distracted.

i have a figure of madoka ! do you have anything similar?

noo... (visualize a small creature crying) i don't....
i have a friend who's into madoka and bought a plush and a figurine, but i usually don't have that much merchandise of the show/games i like because i don't buy that much. i got really into serial experiments: lain when i watched it last month. i should probably rewatch madoka because i still think it's my favorite anime, but it's just been a few years since i've seen it. i rewatched it a lot when i was younger and madoka was my favorite character because she's pink, i think.

i have a small shelf of little guys but no cool madoka figures. i've also gone to a few cons but couldn't afford anything there.

Spoiler: little guys

You are a person, depressed messy person like we all are and it sucks we sometimes feel with need the permision or opinion or perception of others to believe us people. I wish you were one in better circumstances is all. Cos I know if shit got better for you externally, your mind would slowly sing that tune too, or a better one.

thank you for the kind words again @getoutgirl. my brain is a slurry of negative thoughts, but i feel really happy when i'm out of the house and actually away from my room, because it feels like i could spend 3 months in my room and nothing in my life would change. dropping out of college has made me more cognizant of how fast and slow time passes when you have almost nothing to fill your time.

also, i'm sorry if this thread was just meant to be a vague, short one, and you didn't actually seek any sort of comfort.

i appreciate any messages i receive as long as they aren't ones that tell me i'm too young to think about ctb. i think any young person on sasu gets told things like that unprompted. i'm glad that you wanted to reply to my post in general, since i thought it wasn't that interesting.

 

[DontCryForChimp]

Usually depressed people are expected to suck it up. The defeatist mindset is very frowned upon and to many it just comes across as lazy or pathetic. The world is just hard to navigate sometimes, if you are depressed and without a proper support system it is easy for these thoughts to snowball and get out of control. You can try to make some online friends maybe that can ease your burden a little bit. It's just an unfortunate state to be in having no real community irl or sense of belonging.

my mom thinks that telling me i'll go to hell for killing myself will make me not do it, when i already know that i would go to hell because i'm trans

I don't see why you should think this way. I don't mean it to blindly dismiss the idea, it is just that being trans has zero moral implications. It does not tell me that you have been a good or bad person, and it certainly isn't something you should be punished for. You haven't caused any harm to anyone and you seem like a really nice person so this part especially saddens me.

I don't feel my thoughts were too well organized here but you get the idea. I am holding out hope for you.

 

[RestlessTaiga]

I kinda in the same situation, I'm not exactly excelling at anything, I'm not living my life, I'm just letting the days pass by. Everyday it's monotonous and dull. I don't think anyone know how deep my depression is, but nobody seems to care that much either, and I'm sure my death would not change anything. So, yeah, I think we're in the same boat.

 

[euthanizeddog]

i have a small shelf of little guys but no cool madoka figures. i've also gone to a few cons but couldn't afford anything there.

your little shelf is so cute ^__^ i'd love to hangout with you, but sadly i don't have a 3DS and game mostly on my laptop.

i'm also into rpgmaker games, like Ib and OFF as you said.

since you mentioned movies, are you looking forward to the new pmm movie? i think it was called "Walpurgisnacht: Rising". i'm not big into movies either, since i get easily distracted.

maybe someday you can get your own cool madoka figure.