KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,744
At this point in my life I realized that if things didn't get better a couple years ago, then they never would. Life just gets harder and harder, even if I try to fight it. I have come to terms with the fact that my life is worthless and will continue to be miserable. The most frustrating thing about this is seeing the feel-good messaging everywhere that life is what you make it, you need to see the positives, and surely I must have a special talent/bright side due to being disabled that would make me be seen as worthy in the eyes of others.
To exist as a disabled person, feels as if I constantly have to try and conjure up a hidden positive, or special trait that would make me valuable to others, to compensate for the inherent weakness and burden posed by my conditions. It's as if I have to earn respect when others are granted it by default, at most, I am someone to be pitied, and at worst I am a monumental burden imposed upon society and I should feel guilty for existing and inconveniencing others. Let me kill myself then, if that's the case.
To be honest, my disabilities and the surrounding social turmoil caused by them is probably the number one reason why I have spent the past few years contemplating suicide DAILY. The way that other people have treated me throughout my life has irreparably damaged my confidence, self-esteem, and trajectory of how things played out. By the time you reach my age, half way through my twenties, you get a pretty good idea of what the future will hold, and mine isn't good.
As a child, I was bullied non stop and didn't have a single friend until I was 12/13 years old. This is extremely damaging for a child's development but no one ever really intervened, except to state the obvious that it was happening. My entire family wanted to pretend that I didn't have autism, the reality was too ugly and shameful for them. Even when I was very young, I constantly begged and pleaded with my family to move somewhere else (there was only one school where I grew up because it was a rural, impoverished area) so I wouldn't be tormented every single day, but they did not care.
I look around and see people who have childhood friends for life or romantic relationships they made during their school years, but I look back on my school years and remember being bullied, molested and sexually abused, and neglected, even by adults who were supposed to protect and look out for me. These were not happy and joyful times, and yet it was still better than my adult life in many ways. In high school I had to work a job alongside my studies and they worked both the employees to the bone, then accused me and the other disabled staff member of stealing money, when it was actually the charismatic, "normal" manager who did the crime.
Such happenings have been the story of my fucking life, over and over again. I was groomed and abused by an older man when I was in high school and after a couple years when things imploded, I found myself dealing with it alone. No one would believe me because I was the dumb, young autistic "mentally ill" girl while the man who abused me was charismatic and well spoken. I realized from a young age that no one was ever going to take me seriously because I'm disabled. They will either talk to me like a baby/lower than them or think I need to pull on my bootstraps harder and try to masquerade as an able bodied person.
When I became ill and physically disabled as a teenager, life only got harder because no believes it when you have an invisible illness. I am uncoordinated, slow, and struggle to walk quickly and have been constantly made fun of for wasting people's time, being slow, and even harassed for sitting in the disabled seat on a bus when I was having difficulty walking. Even existing is embarrassing for a person like me.
In university, I became more social and thought I might finally find my tribe so to speak, and I did make friends only to realize how 99% of people didn't actually care about me. The pain and suffering I have endured my entire life is nothing but a meme and a joke to people. Countless times I have heard people I know say if they were in my situation they'd ctb, my life is "like a tragic anime plot", how am I still alive, etc while laughing and grinning.
I spent years trying to nurture relationships with people only to realize it doesn't matter to them because they can't relate to me or have family/childhood friends that take priority. Because all of my family died or cut me off except one person, I'm completely alone in this world, and no one is interested in letting me in their circle.
People in the UK are extremely cruel to the disabled and suffering while pretending to be super progressive, and the hypocrisy makes me so frustrated. Whenever I was in university I tried to campaign for more resources to help the disabled, those struggling with mental illnesses, etc, only to be met with things like, "oh we have hotline numbers on a website, we're doing such a good job!" and even someone saying, "it's not our problem to help people once they leave university even if they're struggling, it's their problem to help themselves" in the context of discussing how to help vulnerable people who have no fucking support when they leave uni.
A therapist at my university basically told me life sucks for adults and "it's just life" to be lonely and unhappy. I witnessed so much fake behaviour at university that highlights how little people care about helping the struggling when liability isn't on their hands. Almost everything is done with the intention of not wanting to be held responsible if something happens. Institutions want to wash their hands of "difficult" people rather than actually help them.
I used to have a part time job where certain parts of my role overlapped with mental health support services, and one time a person made a serious threat to ctb and were self harming, but because it was time to close in a few minutes everyone ignored it, didn't care, and left this person without a response for DAYS. My heart breaks for them even now thinking about how alone they must have felt because no one would even spare five minutes of time to reply to them.
Situations like this just serve to remind me that my life has no value and most of the world would probably be happier if I died so they didn't have to deal with such a "difficult" pathetic person. Everyone told me life would get better, but it's been a constant downwards spiral. It's not just my disabilities and mannerisms that get me mocked by the world, it's also the fact that I am ugly for a woman and no matter what I do I just look very strange.
I just wish I could go back to the days where I was ignorant about all of this. People bullied me for my appearance even as a child but the older I got the worse it became. I didn't realise why initially, and later on put lots of effort into my appearance only to realize my flaws were things that could only be corrected with plastic surgery and invasive procedures.
My jaw didn't develop correctly, so it gave me the appearance of having a double chin even though I'm thin. I'm probably 115 pounds but constantly get called fat, especially by the men I knew from university who only like asian models. Many people I know said men are always going to prefer asian women especially kpop idols, over me, and I constantly get compared to these harsh beauty standards when I'm not asian and my body type and face will never resemble the women they're thirsting after on social media.
Even my closest friend told me that she thinks I am TOO UGLY to be hired for most jobs facing customers. I went crazy with skincare and trying different clothes, make up when I can, and hair styles only to realize the structure of my face is ugly and it's why people make fun of me.
At my old workplace, they would take photos of everyone and post on social media for advertising, and I realized quickly that I was the only one whose photos they would not post. Because I am just that ugly. Whenever I went to anime conventions with friends in the past and put a lot of effort into my costume and appearance, my friends would always get photos taken of them while no one ever asked to take one with me.
I have sat through a couple cosmetic procedures already that were extremely painful and made me cry, yet the improvement was minimal. One of my old housemates told me once that only 1% of people would probably find my features attractive, and it would only be autistic guys who are desperate. For years I have had to hear such comments over and over, and I know that my lack of self esteem is not due to my own thoughts but what other people have repeated to me time and time again.
Because of all of my bad qualities (being conventionally unattractive, disabled, having PTSD, etc) I had to accept long ago that many of the good things in life were off limits to me, particularly fulfilling relationships. Because what can I bring to the table?
With the exception of one or two people, it's always been older men who showed interest in me and most of them wanted to take advantage of me. When I met my husband, who is also autistic, I thought maybe I'd be understood finally. The reality has been so depressing.
The first couple years of dating my husband he was incredibly cold and emotionally abusive towards me at random times, things got a little bit better with age but certain downsides persisted. It's difficult to forget many of the cruel things my husband has said to me over the years, including that I'd be screwed and homeless without him, that I should get the fuck over it in regards to having no family, that no one else would ever put up with me or love me, that I'm lazy, etc.
People will say, oh just leave, and ignore the fact that I'm so disabled finding and keeping work, as well as functioning independently are extremely difficult tasks. I had a part time job I enjoyed and then they laid me off so I have been unable to find anything since. I have education and qualifications earned by the skin of my teeth, but chronic illness makes it so difficult to work as much as healthy people can even when I push myself.
I am reliant on my husband due to lack of family and support elsewhere, and he is aware of this, yet holds it over my head constantly and is so controlling.
For example, with my chronic health problems, I have poor circulation and can't control my temperature well. Often my hands and feet turn purple from the cold because my body can't warm itself up. Despite this, wanting the heating turned on often is seen as spoilt entitlement by my husband, and I get told to put more clothes on when that does nothing to abate my medical condition. Yet if I want the heating on, in this miserable British weather, I'm selfish and entitled.
My husband always finds an issue with everything and then I get blamed for "being needy" or not following his control freak orders. My husband doesn't have any friends and so he is either at work or at home 24/7 and since we moved in together and married I have been so miserable but have to sit here and take it. I do care about him but this isn't what love should be like. I tried really hard to function independently but my body just won't let me, I feel pathetic and weak.
My husband's entire family despises me and has not spoken to me in over a year. I got called a meek autistic bitch by his mother and his father is emotionally distant and doesn't give a single shit.
If you asked me 10 years ago to imagine what my life would be like when "it gets better" I would have never imagined I'd be in such an awful situation. Whenever I was younger I imagined I'd end up with a guy or girl who has a big loving family that would take me in as their own, not this isolated, depressing existence that will only get worse with time. Since university finished for me I have essentially become a hikikomori.
I don't want advice on my marriage situation, please, I can guarantee I've already heard it before. I just want to vent. The friend I mentioned earlier actually said before I got engaged that, I would never find anyone else because "let's be honest, who wants to sacrifice their time and money for a disabled person who can't fully support themselves, you're not really a caring person, so what's in it for them." She has BPD and no filter, so I wasn't entirely shocked she said that, but there is truth in her statement. What value do I even have as a person?
The culmination of all this hurt means that suicide is the inevitable option for me. I just struggle to find the courage to carry out the act, despite it being a necessary evil. I know if I do not ctb I am going to keep suffering for years and likely develop more medical problems than the ones I already have. Other people know my life does not have value, so there is an inherent cruelty in the fact that the world pretends otherwise. For a person like me, suffering was the inevitable trajectory. Mental health workers, strangers, etc have only pitied me in the past and seem to know there's no remedy for my situation but don't say the quiet part out loud.
Man, I really need to do it. I wish ctb was not so difficult. I often wish I could just drift off in my sleep, it would be such an easy way to go compared to drinking the salt. I want to get carried off into the abyss the same way you'd be carried off the sofa as a sleeping child into the bed if you dozed off, none the wiser...
To exist as a disabled person, feels as if I constantly have to try and conjure up a hidden positive, or special trait that would make me valuable to others, to compensate for the inherent weakness and burden posed by my conditions. It's as if I have to earn respect when others are granted it by default, at most, I am someone to be pitied, and at worst I am a monumental burden imposed upon society and I should feel guilty for existing and inconveniencing others. Let me kill myself then, if that's the case.
To be honest, my disabilities and the surrounding social turmoil caused by them is probably the number one reason why I have spent the past few years contemplating suicide DAILY. The way that other people have treated me throughout my life has irreparably damaged my confidence, self-esteem, and trajectory of how things played out. By the time you reach my age, half way through my twenties, you get a pretty good idea of what the future will hold, and mine isn't good.
As a child, I was bullied non stop and didn't have a single friend until I was 12/13 years old. This is extremely damaging for a child's development but no one ever really intervened, except to state the obvious that it was happening. My entire family wanted to pretend that I didn't have autism, the reality was too ugly and shameful for them. Even when I was very young, I constantly begged and pleaded with my family to move somewhere else (there was only one school where I grew up because it was a rural, impoverished area) so I wouldn't be tormented every single day, but they did not care.
I look around and see people who have childhood friends for life or romantic relationships they made during their school years, but I look back on my school years and remember being bullied, molested and sexually abused, and neglected, even by adults who were supposed to protect and look out for me. These were not happy and joyful times, and yet it was still better than my adult life in many ways. In high school I had to work a job alongside my studies and they worked both the employees to the bone, then accused me and the other disabled staff member of stealing money, when it was actually the charismatic, "normal" manager who did the crime.
Such happenings have been the story of my fucking life, over and over again. I was groomed and abused by an older man when I was in high school and after a couple years when things imploded, I found myself dealing with it alone. No one would believe me because I was the dumb, young autistic "mentally ill" girl while the man who abused me was charismatic and well spoken. I realized from a young age that no one was ever going to take me seriously because I'm disabled. They will either talk to me like a baby/lower than them or think I need to pull on my bootstraps harder and try to masquerade as an able bodied person.
When I became ill and physically disabled as a teenager, life only got harder because no believes it when you have an invisible illness. I am uncoordinated, slow, and struggle to walk quickly and have been constantly made fun of for wasting people's time, being slow, and even harassed for sitting in the disabled seat on a bus when I was having difficulty walking. Even existing is embarrassing for a person like me.
In university, I became more social and thought I might finally find my tribe so to speak, and I did make friends only to realize how 99% of people didn't actually care about me. The pain and suffering I have endured my entire life is nothing but a meme and a joke to people. Countless times I have heard people I know say if they were in my situation they'd ctb, my life is "like a tragic anime plot", how am I still alive, etc while laughing and grinning.
I spent years trying to nurture relationships with people only to realize it doesn't matter to them because they can't relate to me or have family/childhood friends that take priority. Because all of my family died or cut me off except one person, I'm completely alone in this world, and no one is interested in letting me in their circle.
People in the UK are extremely cruel to the disabled and suffering while pretending to be super progressive, and the hypocrisy makes me so frustrated. Whenever I was in university I tried to campaign for more resources to help the disabled, those struggling with mental illnesses, etc, only to be met with things like, "oh we have hotline numbers on a website, we're doing such a good job!" and even someone saying, "it's not our problem to help people once they leave university even if they're struggling, it's their problem to help themselves" in the context of discussing how to help vulnerable people who have no fucking support when they leave uni.
A therapist at my university basically told me life sucks for adults and "it's just life" to be lonely and unhappy. I witnessed so much fake behaviour at university that highlights how little people care about helping the struggling when liability isn't on their hands. Almost everything is done with the intention of not wanting to be held responsible if something happens. Institutions want to wash their hands of "difficult" people rather than actually help them.
I used to have a part time job where certain parts of my role overlapped with mental health support services, and one time a person made a serious threat to ctb and were self harming, but because it was time to close in a few minutes everyone ignored it, didn't care, and left this person without a response for DAYS. My heart breaks for them even now thinking about how alone they must have felt because no one would even spare five minutes of time to reply to them.
Situations like this just serve to remind me that my life has no value and most of the world would probably be happier if I died so they didn't have to deal with such a "difficult" pathetic person. Everyone told me life would get better, but it's been a constant downwards spiral. It's not just my disabilities and mannerisms that get me mocked by the world, it's also the fact that I am ugly for a woman and no matter what I do I just look very strange.
I just wish I could go back to the days where I was ignorant about all of this. People bullied me for my appearance even as a child but the older I got the worse it became. I didn't realise why initially, and later on put lots of effort into my appearance only to realize my flaws were things that could only be corrected with plastic surgery and invasive procedures.
My jaw didn't develop correctly, so it gave me the appearance of having a double chin even though I'm thin. I'm probably 115 pounds but constantly get called fat, especially by the men I knew from university who only like asian models. Many people I know said men are always going to prefer asian women especially kpop idols, over me, and I constantly get compared to these harsh beauty standards when I'm not asian and my body type and face will never resemble the women they're thirsting after on social media.
Even my closest friend told me that she thinks I am TOO UGLY to be hired for most jobs facing customers. I went crazy with skincare and trying different clothes, make up when I can, and hair styles only to realize the structure of my face is ugly and it's why people make fun of me.
At my old workplace, they would take photos of everyone and post on social media for advertising, and I realized quickly that I was the only one whose photos they would not post. Because I am just that ugly. Whenever I went to anime conventions with friends in the past and put a lot of effort into my costume and appearance, my friends would always get photos taken of them while no one ever asked to take one with me.
I have sat through a couple cosmetic procedures already that were extremely painful and made me cry, yet the improvement was minimal. One of my old housemates told me once that only 1% of people would probably find my features attractive, and it would only be autistic guys who are desperate. For years I have had to hear such comments over and over, and I know that my lack of self esteem is not due to my own thoughts but what other people have repeated to me time and time again.
Because of all of my bad qualities (being conventionally unattractive, disabled, having PTSD, etc) I had to accept long ago that many of the good things in life were off limits to me, particularly fulfilling relationships. Because what can I bring to the table?
With the exception of one or two people, it's always been older men who showed interest in me and most of them wanted to take advantage of me. When I met my husband, who is also autistic, I thought maybe I'd be understood finally. The reality has been so depressing.
The first couple years of dating my husband he was incredibly cold and emotionally abusive towards me at random times, things got a little bit better with age but certain downsides persisted. It's difficult to forget many of the cruel things my husband has said to me over the years, including that I'd be screwed and homeless without him, that I should get the fuck over it in regards to having no family, that no one else would ever put up with me or love me, that I'm lazy, etc.
People will say, oh just leave, and ignore the fact that I'm so disabled finding and keeping work, as well as functioning independently are extremely difficult tasks. I had a part time job I enjoyed and then they laid me off so I have been unable to find anything since. I have education and qualifications earned by the skin of my teeth, but chronic illness makes it so difficult to work as much as healthy people can even when I push myself.
I am reliant on my husband due to lack of family and support elsewhere, and he is aware of this, yet holds it over my head constantly and is so controlling.
For example, with my chronic health problems, I have poor circulation and can't control my temperature well. Often my hands and feet turn purple from the cold because my body can't warm itself up. Despite this, wanting the heating turned on often is seen as spoilt entitlement by my husband, and I get told to put more clothes on when that does nothing to abate my medical condition. Yet if I want the heating on, in this miserable British weather, I'm selfish and entitled.
My husband always finds an issue with everything and then I get blamed for "being needy" or not following his control freak orders. My husband doesn't have any friends and so he is either at work or at home 24/7 and since we moved in together and married I have been so miserable but have to sit here and take it. I do care about him but this isn't what love should be like. I tried really hard to function independently but my body just won't let me, I feel pathetic and weak.
My husband's entire family despises me and has not spoken to me in over a year. I got called a meek autistic bitch by his mother and his father is emotionally distant and doesn't give a single shit.
If you asked me 10 years ago to imagine what my life would be like when "it gets better" I would have never imagined I'd be in such an awful situation. Whenever I was younger I imagined I'd end up with a guy or girl who has a big loving family that would take me in as their own, not this isolated, depressing existence that will only get worse with time. Since university finished for me I have essentially become a hikikomori.
I don't want advice on my marriage situation, please, I can guarantee I've already heard it before. I just want to vent. The friend I mentioned earlier actually said before I got engaged that, I would never find anyone else because "let's be honest, who wants to sacrifice their time and money for a disabled person who can't fully support themselves, you're not really a caring person, so what's in it for them." She has BPD and no filter, so I wasn't entirely shocked she said that, but there is truth in her statement. What value do I even have as a person?
The culmination of all this hurt means that suicide is the inevitable option for me. I just struggle to find the courage to carry out the act, despite it being a necessary evil. I know if I do not ctb I am going to keep suffering for years and likely develop more medical problems than the ones I already have. Other people know my life does not have value, so there is an inherent cruelty in the fact that the world pretends otherwise. For a person like me, suffering was the inevitable trajectory. Mental health workers, strangers, etc have only pitied me in the past and seem to know there's no remedy for my situation but don't say the quiet part out loud.
Man, I really need to do it. I wish ctb was not so difficult. I often wish I could just drift off in my sleep, it would be such an easy way to go compared to drinking the salt. I want to get carried off into the abyss the same way you'd be carried off the sofa as a sleeping child into the bed if you dozed off, none the wiser...
