Venting as the days pass and i think more im kinda scared

[dazednconfused]

death is really permanent. i try thinking about what itd be like if i didnt die completely and got help.. but id only be in the ward for a long time, stuck, and then once i got out id have so much to deal with and i wouldnt be able to cope and i'd just have to try to kill myself again. so i just have to follow through now... im just a little scared. i wish i could see what happens after i die, how my family might feel, how my ex bf might feel... one of the reasons i feel like staying alive right now is this deluded hope that maybe things could change with us. theres no reason for me to feel this way. because if it was hed try to help me. theres nothing.

only ups and downs, highs and lows that are going to get lower as i grow up more. its okay if i dont succeed now, it will build courage and i will die next time. but i dont want to waste my moms money with going to the ward, shed have to be the one to fund it. she has four other kids to take care of. i asked her if we could hang out this weekend cus i know weve been fighting, she says youve been not nice and that she didnt know why. im sorry for my attitude though, its just really hard... and i hurt so much... so im going to try to spend one last time with her and ill try not to cry.

what should i talk to her about... i don't even know. i dont want to give too many hints that im going to end it, but i just want her to know its not her fault and shes tried her best and im thankful for her. and that i'm sorry.

i wish he couldve tried harder to save me, so i wouldnt have to be here. for a second i almost thought i could do it, live and try harder... if not for me, for us... that was the last string of hope for me and its cut. i need to stay strong and brave until the 17th. so i can end it. sorry for my consistent ramblings. i just need somewhere to put my thoughts. i deleted all my socials, took down most of my music, the only thing im using rn is reddit for tarot readings lolll...

soundcloud to listen to my music.

and this site.

i'm alone now.

its kinda sad... i just wish i could have a few more moments with him, that he could pretend that he still loved me. he promised and told me we'd never have to break up. it was almost out year anniversary. i'm on his vinyl he made for his first EP. we have a song together, i wonder if he'll take it off though. i hope not.. i want to be immortalized in his life. somehow, someway.

dont comment telling me 'men aint shit' and stuff like that, 'dont base your life on a guy', etc. nothing makes me angrier. you don't know my relationship... or my life. this isn't just because of him, its because i always get high and think things are going better. then it comes down again. i can't live like this forever, and i dont care for my future and don't feel like trying anymore. i can barely go to school... and thats all i have to do.

why couldnt he just save me, why cant he be there, tell me i can live, its okay to live.. the one person i wouldve tried my best to believe.. lol

 

[BlackEyedDog]

This hurts to read, I feel like you could use help but don't know how to get it. Are you in the US? Is medicaid an option?

 

[dazednconfused]

This hurts to read, I feel like you could use help but don't know how to get it. Are you in the US? Is medicaid an option?

i'm in the US and my mom does have insurance but its not always very helpful, because she makes a decent money working for the bank, but has to pay more taxes and has 5 kids to take care of plus herself and is now in the process of filing for divorce. i feel so ashamed to have her taking care of me at 18. i could use help but my psych scared me, said the next time i try ill be in the facility a long time. that wont help me at all. i'll just get out and be overwhelmed once i have to be in the real world. im so so scared... i need to die but that scares me too. i dont know... thank you for your concern. i get happy to talk to people

 

[BlackEyedDog]

It's possible your mom's insurance would cover treatment. Could this be something you can try to talk about with your planned hangout with your mom?

 

[dazednconfused]

maybe but i feel like i need to die now since ive committed so much to it.. im scared, i dont want to be in the ward, i dont want her to take all my electronics and privileges, shes only going to put more pressure on me and i just cant do it.. i cant be an adult.. if i cant get better shell kick me out. shell have to. i have no more savings bc i just spent it all carelessly. the ward only hides me away from the real world and then im thrown abck into it and it hurts. and i go back to my painful real life lol.. im glad im avay from my dad at least.

my mom actually came in my room today and said upset that if im talking to any old men shes not letting me do anything anymore, she said "fuck skit" (my ex bf) and that hurt me a lot because he isnt a bad person or anything, hed always tried to be there but i guess he has to look after his mental health now.. sorry i appreciate you trying to help me a lot.. i dont know what to do i feel like i have to die and if i dont do it now ill do it later anyways.. im scared.. sorry i just want to cry

It's possible your mom's insurance would cover treatment. Could this be something you can try to talk about with your planned hangout with your mom?