aspergers, nihilist, individualist, suicidal

[sesamebeandclxviii]

I am 20.

I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome as a child, dropped out of high school cause I hated everyone.

Don't care to work, don't feel I have a particular purpose.

Very insecure about myself especially in how I express myself.

My girlfriend doesn't want to be close with me, says she wants a break but won't tell me how long or won't go into depth to where maybe I could help her.

Life is now just dark and my only passion is sleeping.

I just want to know what should do with my life and how can I be happy and make this world just feel like the big playground it really is.

 

[Kyrok]

There is no way to know what will make you happy.

If I were 20, I'd become an electrician and move to a mountain town.
Get a couple dogs, work, enjoy the outdoors. Simple, basic, no stress.

 

[YukiFox]

HI, Asperger person here.
For sure the life is a lot harder for us, because we live and analyze the reality on a different way that common people do. That leave us stressful, worthless, misunderstood.
Always I feel ashamed because the people around me doesn`t support me on my struggles and doesn't tolerate my asperger habits, such suddenly sprint on the house or jumnping without a "Valid" reason. When I feel stressed or nervous, I nest. I nest behind Netflix, or books, or my fantasy or space science fiction stories.
The happiness is temporary, like sugar rushes, at least for me as Asperger (Diagnosed on 14 years old). I don`t consider myself a happy person, always there is a topic or issue who triggers me, and I procastinate a lot to avoid my problems. I had serious difficulties to find a job, or making bonds with friends or lovers (I only had one boyfriend on my 30 years of existence), I have some struggles on grammar, spelling and talking on any language and I fear that one day I`ll disconnect entirely from the reality and move out to a psychiatric ward or being homeless.
For me, and for a lot of memerbs of this community, death looks as a plausible solution for our struggles, but as Asperger I analyze and think about all the consequences of dying from my own hand, I feel stressfull even for my suicide! so it`s an uroboros, an infinite loop of overthinking, over stressing, over everything. I want a two or more things before leaving this dimension, such have another boyfriend or publishing some of my books, but really, I own your back. I feel you. And I kept a lot of thoughts for avoiding more suffering or even psychiatric reclusion.
Yeah, for sure I`m an nihilist, individualist person (I don`t talk to "Friends" for years, for example), and suicidal for sure, but I feel my own death as another one of my inner fantasies, fantasies who I doubt I will realize one day.

On your case, think about it, the happiness is an fluid state. Some days everlast, other days doesn`t. So stop worrying about seeking the happynies, only focus on being a less overthinking asperger as I am.

 

[21Neberg]

As others have said, happiness isn't solid. It's fluid - it comes and goes. Just as a sad moodswing can come and go.
I do however think you can influence it. Do you have a hobby? Put time into it, no matter how small. Things I did when I still believed life could get better was digging up toys from my childhood and playing games.

 

[Hopeless_soul]

Just can add one more thing: when you feel you are enjoying something, appreciate it with all your heart. Happiness and tranquillity come in small doses in life, but they do come. Be it a book, a song, a walk in the park, or whatever you love, just smile at it and enjoy it.