Discussion Attachment issues are so painful

[BitterlyAlive_]

Due to the way I was raised, as well as various painful relationships throughout my life....I'm very ashamed to say I have attachment issues.

Because I think it's important to know and understand the problem as you're trying to manage it, I've been trying to figure out for a while if I have a more anxious attachment or disorganized attachment. Still not sure, I'll bring it up to my therapist at some point.

But God, it hurts to be like this. I hate how I end up ruining so many relationships and hurting so many people. It's embarrassing, and makes me feel like a neglected child. People are right, I'm really just no good to be around.

Does anyone else have attachment issues? What does it look like for you?

 

[Mentalmick]

It's not exactly the same thing but I have a dependent personality. I rely on others for emotional support and if I don't get it it's like what you said I feel like a child who's not getting attention. I'm 47 years old and it makes me cringe just thinking about it.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

It's not exactly the same thing but I have a dependent personality. I rely on others for emotional support and if I don't get it it's like what you said I feel like a child who's not getting attention. I'm 47 years old and it makes me cringe just thinking about it.

It's so difficult, man. My heart goes out to you. And I guess I mean... I feel childish because I'm an adult and "shouldn't" be so scared and worried.

I really think these maladaptive behaviors are an engrained trauma response, at least for most people. It's not our fault, it's just what we learned to do. But I can only speak for myself, I don't know what you've experienced in your life.

 

[Shero]

It's so difficult, man. My heart goes out to you. And I guess I mean... I feel childish because I'm an adult and "shouldn't" be so scared and worried.

You have the right to feel the way you feel, it has nothing to do with being an adult. Please don't punish yourself.

I had a abnormal relationship with my parents where I regularly slept in their bed until I was 20. It's embarrassing and humiliating to know how weird that was and that it was the only way to cope with it. We had a bad relationship and this pathological behavior did not contribute to that. Certain things I did were to get that closeness in some way, even if the resulting safety I craved never came.

Now I prefer to keep my distance from everyone. The security and parental love that I desperately seek, is something no one will be able to give me.
I can't tell if it's a personality disorder or a mix of PTSD/autism/anxiety-disorder which i was clinically diagnosed with. However, what I can tell you is that you are not the only person who has attachment issues.

I hope that knowing you are not alone, alleviates some of your suffering. Take care.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Certain things I did were to get that closeness in some way, even if the resulting safety I craved never came.

This reminds me of what I've been reading fairly often: no one will save you, you have to save yourself. Along those same lines, treating attachment issues requires that you feel safe and secure with yourself, on the inside.

Thank you for your post and for sharing your experiences. It's definitely provided some food for thought.

 

[Shero]

Thank you for your post and for sharing your experiences. It's definitely provided some food for thought.

Likewise! I always learn more about myself when people share their experience, so thank you for that.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Likewise! I always learn more about myself when people share their experience, so thank you for that.

That's what makes this site so lovely.

 

[Aeathelina]

I'm a fatalist and because of that I can't keep relationships because I always feel like I need to be the first one to move on otherwide it will only validate how horrible I am and how I'm just a burden.

But don't mistake me. I hurt a lot when I'm alone and take stock of what has become of my life

 

[Sherri]

After a really bad broke up I also had attachments issues, and was looking always from something from my ex in the dates I was going with guys. after a few bad dates, I decided to go to reclusion with my love life until I was ready to meet the one ...the only one. But for many years I've suffered that. Most of my previous relationship ends were my fault, not because of cheating, I just wanted to be alone.

 

[Makko]

Are detachment issues a thing? I wonder what it's like to be attached to someone.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I'm a fatalist and because of that I can't keep relationships because I always feel like I need to be the first one to move on otherwide it will only validate how horrible I am and how I'm just a burden.

But don't mistake me. I hurt a lot when I'm alone and take stock of what has become of my life

That makes sense. It's also giving you a sense of control, which all of us naturally desire.

After a really bad broke up I also had attachments issues, and was looking always from something from my ex in the dates I was going with guys. after a few bad dates, I decided to go to reclusion with my love life until I was ready to meet the one ...the only one. But for many years I've suffered that. Most of my previous relationship ends were my fault, not because of cheating, I just wanted to be alone.

Agh, that sounds so rough and lonely. I'm sorry.

Are detachment issues a thing? I wonder what it's like to be attached to someone.

Mm, yeah. There's two ways I can think of. Some people simply don't want relationships with others and have a strong desire to be alone. Or, detachment could be due to a sense of alienation from others.

But definitely a thing, and it doesn't make you weird imo.