Venting attempted last night, thinking about trying again tonight

[DyingToDie123]

Warning: incoherent rambling ahead.

I had a lot of big feelings last night. Since I deleted all my social media I have nothing to fill my time anymore so I just sleep and it's reminding me about how I can't function. I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't shower, I can't do laundry, I can barely feed/walk the dog. And I was just reminded about how I used to have friends who offered to help with these things and now I don't and wow I wish I did, I didn't know how good I had it at the time. And that just led to me thinking about how alone I am and how everyone I care about hates me and I just felt the need to ctb so I tried.

First I tried partial hanging. Researched a bunch of threads, set up, put all the pressure I could on the rope, still nothing. I broke down, hugged my dog for a little bit, then got ready to go to the bridge.

And then I got to the bridge and without even thinking I jumped over the barrier (for the first time ever!!!) but then I immediately got scared and jumped back to the bridge. But I was like, now I know I can jump the barrier, I just have to do it. So I tried to push myself to do it, would give up for a bit and walk back to my car and then in the process would hear the voices of my ex-friends saying shit about me and then I would walk right back to my spot on the bridge and try again. And I swear SI just made me incapable of doing it again. I got so frustrated and eventually gave up and sobbed the whole way home. Because everyone thought I was an attention whore for my suicidal ideation but here I am, going to this bridge night after night and telling nobody!!!

because I have nobody left who cares!!! literally nobody notices me doing these things!!! and it hurts so much!!! Maybe the fact that I want people to notice and care makes me an attention whore but also the fact I haven't told anybody says that I'm doing this for some other reason, like I'm actually in pain, and I wish people knew I was actually in pain but that would make me an attention whore. Stupid circular problem.

I found myself just desperately wishing I had just one friend left in my life I could call but literally all of them hate my guts now.

I was going to overdose on lithium again last night but I had a bunch of appointments today and didn't want to ghost or worse get welfare checked, so I stuck it out. I think I might take some tonight. I know it's not "effective" but I have no other options left, I've tried argon, I've tried hanging, I've tried jumping, I have no option left but to sit around and do nothing about all the pain I'm in and I can't take that anymore. I don't fucking care, I need to get over the fear of failing.

Tomorrow marks 6 months since the court case that issued my restraining order and I'm disgusted in myself for letting myself live this long with it. I can't anymore.

 

[Alex Fermentopathy]

Why you failed with argon?

 

[DyingToDie123]

Why you failed with argon?

SI basically. I think I made it at most 30 seconds before taking off the hood. I always felt a suffocation/panic feeling which makes me think something was wrong with the set up. I tried so many times that I used up too much of the gas so I ended up giving it away.

 

[Tesha]

We care and we noticed.

Sorry it's so shitty for you and you can't easily escape your life.

As you point out yourself, lithium isn't that reliable or peaceful - it could make things worse, which it doesn't sound like you need right now.

SI can go do one sometimes.

 

[anhedonya]

Warning: incoherent rambling ahead.

I had a lot of big feelings last night. Since I deleted all my social media I have nothing to fill my time anymore so I just sleep and it's reminding me about how I can't function. I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't shower, I can't do laundry, I can barely feed/walk the dog. And I was just reminded about how I used to have friends who offered to help with these things and now I don't and wow I wish I did, I didn't know how good I had it at the time. And that just led to me thinking about how alone I am and how everyone I care about hates me and I just felt the need to ctb so I tried.

First I tried partial hanging. Researched a bunch of threads, set up, put all the pressure I could on the rope, still nothing. I broke down, hugged my dog for a little bit, then got ready to go to the bridge.

And then I got to the bridge and without even thinking I jumped over the barrier (for the first time ever!!!) but then I immediately got scared and jumped back to the bridge. But I was like, now I know I can jump the barrier, I just have to do it. So I tried to push myself to do it, would give up for a bit and walk back to my car and then in the process would hear the voices of my ex-friends saying shit about me and then I would walk right back to my spot on the bridge and try again. And I swear SI just made me incapable of doing it again. I got so frustrated and eventually gave up and sobbed the whole way home. Because everyone thought I was an attention whore for my suicidal ideation but here I am, going to this bridge night after night and telling nobody!!!

because I have nobody left who cares!!! literally nobody notices me doing these things!!! and it hurts so much!!! Maybe the fact that I want people to notice and care makes me an attention whore but also the fact I haven't told anybody says that I'm doing this for some other reason, like I'm actually in pain, and I wish people knew I was actually in pain but that would make me an attention whore. Stupid circular problem.

I found myself just desperately wishing I had just one friend left in my life I could call but literally all of them hate my guts now.

I was going to overdose on lithium again last night but I had a bunch of appointments today and didn't want to ghost or worse get welfare checked, so I stuck it out. I think I might take some tonight. I know it's not "effective" but I have no other options left, I've tried argon, I've tried hanging, I've tried jumping, I have no option left but to sit around and do nothing about all the pain I'm in and I can't take that anymore. I don't fucking care, I need to get over the fear of failing.

Tomorrow marks 6 months since the court case that issued my restraining order and I'm disgusted in myself for letting myself live this long with it. I can't anymore.

I'm so sorry you've had such a difficult time lately. You're not an attention whore or attention seeking. We are not meant to be alone and have no one care about us, to have no one check in on us and offer us help. It's completely normal to want attention and care, to want people to love you and do things for you. I'm sorry that you lost those friends and I wish they could've seen how you were struggling and chosen to give you a chance. You need support now more than ever and I can't imagine how this feels. I know some even accused you of doing these things simply for revenge on somebody which is so beyond messed up to assume about someone's suicidal ideation.

People do things outside of their character when they're in pain. This is the crux of manic and psychotic states where people lash out and do and say all kinds of things they normally wouldn't. I do not believe the moment that got you a restraining order defines you. Suffering makes people act in ways they otherwise wouldn't, you're not a bad person for that.

I really hope you have better days ahead. I know it's your choice and I can't and won't force you to one side or another, but please know that I care that you're here. I care and am glad that you survived and made it home. You're not a bad person and you don't need to die for that idea.

Best wishes.

 

[DyingToDie123]

I'm so sorry you've had such a difficult time lately. You're not an attention whore or attention seeking. We are not meant to be alone and have no one care about us, to have no one check in on us and offer us help. It's completely normal to want attention and care, to want people to love you and do things for you. I'm sorry that you lost those friends and I wish they could've seen how you were struggling and chosen to give you a chance. You need support now more than ever and I can't imagine how this feels. I know some even accused you of doing these things simply for revenge on somebody which is so beyond messed up to assume about someone's suicidal ideation.

People do things outside of their character when they're in pain. This is the crux of manic and psychotic states where people lash out and do and say all kinds of things they normally wouldn't. I do not believe the moment that got you a restraining order defines you. Suffering makes people act in ways they otherwise wouldn't, you're not a bad person for that.

I really hope you have better days ahead. I know it's your choice and I can't and won't force you to one side or another, but please know that I care that you're here. I care and am glad that you survived and made it home. You're not a bad person and you don't need to die for that idea.

Best wishes.

You are so kind and supportive, thank you so much <3 I'm sorry I didn't respond to your post last night.

 

[anhedonya]

You are so kind and supportive, thank you so much <3 I'm sorry I didn't respond to your post last night.

No need to apologize at all! Definitely focus on taking it easy and resting

 

[Forveleth]

Your circumstances sound so frustrating! I'm sorry you're in that place.
If it's any consolation, I did a practice run yesterday to make myself more comfortable with my technique and ended up giving myself a panic attack over it instead.

Also, about the restraining order, I have a friend who is a convicted felon. He did one stupid thing as a teen and now he's got a permanent record. It's taken a lot time but he's put his life back together, has a job, friends, etc. As anhedonya said, that moment doesn't define you.

 

[Unsure and alone]

Warning: incoherent rambling ahead.

I had a lot of big feelings last night. Since I deleted all my social media I have nothing to fill my time anymore so I just sleep and it's reminding me about how I can't function. I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't shower, I can't do laundry, I can barely feed/walk the dog. And I was just reminded about how I used to have friends who offered to help with these things and now I don't and wow I wish I did, I didn't know how good I had it at the time. And that just led to me thinking about how alone I am and how everyone I care about hates me and I just felt the need to ctb so I tried.

First I tried partial hanging. Researched a bunch of threads, set up, put all the pressure I could on the rope, still nothing. I broke down, hugged my dog for a little bit, then got ready to go to the bridge.

And then I got to the bridge and without even thinking I jumped over the barrier (for the first time ever!!!) but then I immediately got scared and jumped back to the bridge. But I was like, now I know I can jump the barrier, I just have to do it. So I tried to push myself to do it, would give up for a bit and walk back to my car and then in the process would hear the voices of my ex-friends saying shit about me and then I would walk right back to my spot on the bridge and try again. And I swear SI just made me incapable of doing it again. I got so frustrated and eventually gave up and sobbed the whole way home. Because everyone thought I was an attention whore for my suicidal ideation but here I am, going to this bridge night after night and telling nobody!!!

because I have nobody left who cares!!! literally nobody notices me doing these things!!! and it hurts so much!!! Maybe the fact that I want people to notice and care makes me an attention whore but also the fact I haven't told anybody says that I'm doing this for some other reason, like I'm actually in pain, and I wish people knew I was actually in pain but that would make me an attention whore. Stupid circular problem.

I found myself just desperately wishing I had just one friend left in my life I could call but literally all of them hate my guts now.

I was going to overdose on lithium again last night but I had a bunch of appointments today and didn't want to ghost or worse get welfare checked, so I stuck it out. I think I might take some tonight. I know it's not "effective" but I have no other options left, I've tried argon, I've tried hanging, I've tried jumping, I have no option left but to sit around and do nothing about all the pain I'm in and I can't take that anymore. I don't fucking care, I need to get over the fear of failing.

Tomorrow marks 6 months since the court case that issued my restraining order and I'm disgusted in myself for letting myself live this long with it. I can't anymore.

I'm sending hugs.
My heart goes out to you.

It's really rough when no one in your life even knows how bad it really is now.


I'm in that place too.
It's one of the reasons this place is so good.


We don't have to be quite as alone.

I hope you are able to see that you are worth something


Every life is worth something.

And I'm this moment you are especially worth something because you need to here it .

 

[goldenbananagirl]

SI basically. I think I made it at most 30 seconds before taking off the hood. I always felt a suffocation/panic feeling which makes me think something was wrong with the set up. I tried so many times that I used up too much of the gas so I ended up giving it away.

I am so sorry you are suffering. I wish I could take your pain away. Can I ask if you used an EEBD hood? or was it a bag? I'm chronically ill and trying to have a set up just in case I need it and I might only be able to access argon. Also, can I ask how much gas was in the cylinder?
sending you hugs!

 

[DyingToDie123]

I am so sorry you are suffering. I wish I could take your pain away. Can I ask if you used an EEBD hood? or was it a bag? I'm chronically ill and trying to have a set up just in case I need it and I might only be able to access argon. Also, can I ask how much gas was in the cylinder?
sending you hugs!

Sorry you're struggling. <3 I used an EEBD hood, I used a 40L cylinder (and a 20L one but got worried about that not being enough fairly quickly).

 

[goldenbananagirl]

Sorry you're struggling. <3 I used an EEBD hood, I used a 40L cylinder (and a 20L one but got worried about that not being enough fairly quickly).

oh I'm so sorry. do you think it was SI that caused you to fail? Because the EEBD way seems like a pretty surefire way to go. I wonder if I took some xanax before if that would help

 

[DyingToDie123]

oh I'm so sorry. do you think it was SI that caused you to fail? Because the EEBD way seems like a pretty surefire way to go. I wonder if I took some xanax before if that would help

SI is my best guess. I got a little bit of a panic response each time which wasn't supposed to happen. I got to the point of my hands feeling tingly about 40 seconds in but yeah, sitting there with a mask on just waiting for it to kill me was harder for me than I realized.

 

[goldenbananagirl]

SI is my best guess. I got a little bit of a panic response each time which wasn't supposed to happen. I got to the point of my hands feeling tingly about 40 seconds in but yeah, sitting there with a mask on just waiting for it to kill me was harder for me than I realized.

Ugh I'm sorry, that sounds terrible. Did you have access to benzos or anything like that?

Btw I'm here if you or anyone needs someone to talk to.