I didn't think I'd ever be back here, honestly. I was active during 2019-2020 for my attempt for 2020. Compared to back then my life is a lot better in some ways, the same in some, and extremely worse in the way that matters to me right now.
It feels like life played a horrible trick on me. Seriously. This can't be real yet somehow here I am.
Back in 2019 I was so lonely cause I had recently moved to somewhere I had no friends for university, failed all my classes, regretted a permanent life decision and also went through a horrible breakup. The latter was probably the worst cause it involved losing trust in my friends I had then as well. I was miserable.
I am not sure what exactly held me back, but getting into a codependent weird semi-relationship with my therapist helped, ironically. At least it made me be very honest with her and she had me postponing my attempt every day.
I also ended up feeling too bad to do this to my younger sister eventually.
Now my life is different, I got a new relationship, new amazing friends, am still in university cause I am still a loser in that regard, but good things careerwise have happened. Started treatment for OCD in January. I was actually so hopeful at the beginning of the year.
And then my sister completed suicide after going through a horrible breakup. Choosing almost the exact same date I had initially set for myself, 4 years apart.
Life seems so pointless now. I really tried to pick myself up and live with my OCD and other shit and be a good person and so on. But now… I miss my sister so much, she was honestly my favourite person in the world, the fact she is gone and I can't ever talk with her again makes this already difficult life so much more unbearable.
I can't move on from it, I just want to die too if life means I will forever have to miss her and wonder why this all happened.
After 2020 I became scared of dying again, but since my sister's death that is gone. I am just scared of messing up and ending up in a bad state yet alive.
It feels like a giant fuck you from life that after improving my situation my sister goes for pretty much the same reasons I had back then. And even though I empathize with her and understand to an extent better than the rest of our family, I still feel hurt and betrayed by her. I can't help it. I would have loved to help her somehow or at least be able to say goodbye.
Too late now. My heart is so broken. And nothing the therapist says really resonates. There is no improving my situation this time. Just healing or whatever everyone says but how do I ever heal from her being gone. Everything I like and all my hobbies were somehow tied to her, my friends and girlfriend can't replace how comfortable I felt being myself around my sister.
I tried going to concerts I went to with her with my friends instead. It's not the same. I just end up wishing I could go with her again.
My friends have it easy telling me it'll get better and I will find new hope in life. They're not tortured by guilt and grief every day. But I am probably a drain on them at the moment.
They go home this Christmas to their own siblings. I will go home to my depressed parents and we'll have a depressing christmas without my sister, and then a depressing new year.
I feel so defeated.
It feels like life played a horrible trick on me. Seriously. This can't be real yet somehow here I am.
Back in 2019 I was so lonely cause I had recently moved to somewhere I had no friends for university, failed all my classes, regretted a permanent life decision and also went through a horrible breakup. The latter was probably the worst cause it involved losing trust in my friends I had then as well. I was miserable.
I am not sure what exactly held me back, but getting into a codependent weird semi-relationship with my therapist helped, ironically. At least it made me be very honest with her and she had me postponing my attempt every day.
I also ended up feeling too bad to do this to my younger sister eventually.
Now my life is different, I got a new relationship, new amazing friends, am still in university cause I am still a loser in that regard, but good things careerwise have happened. Started treatment for OCD in January. I was actually so hopeful at the beginning of the year.
And then my sister completed suicide after going through a horrible breakup. Choosing almost the exact same date I had initially set for myself, 4 years apart.
Life seems so pointless now. I really tried to pick myself up and live with my OCD and other shit and be a good person and so on. But now… I miss my sister so much, she was honestly my favourite person in the world, the fact she is gone and I can't ever talk with her again makes this already difficult life so much more unbearable.
I can't move on from it, I just want to die too if life means I will forever have to miss her and wonder why this all happened.
After 2020 I became scared of dying again, but since my sister's death that is gone. I am just scared of messing up and ending up in a bad state yet alive.
It feels like a giant fuck you from life that after improving my situation my sister goes for pretty much the same reasons I had back then. And even though I empathize with her and understand to an extent better than the rest of our family, I still feel hurt and betrayed by her. I can't help it. I would have loved to help her somehow or at least be able to say goodbye.
Too late now. My heart is so broken. And nothing the therapist says really resonates. There is no improving my situation this time. Just healing or whatever everyone says but how do I ever heal from her being gone. Everything I like and all my hobbies were somehow tied to her, my friends and girlfriend can't replace how comfortable I felt being myself around my sister.
I tried going to concerts I went to with her with my friends instead. It's not the same. I just end up wishing I could go with her again.
My friends have it easy telling me it'll get better and I will find new hope in life. They're not tortured by guilt and grief every day. But I am probably a drain on them at the moment.
They go home this Christmas to their own siblings. I will go home to my depressed parents and we'll have a depressing christmas without my sister, and then a depressing new year.
I feel so defeated.
