This is a mix between a story and a vent.
I have never posted here, but been a long long time lurker. About 5-6 years ago at the age of 24-25 I managed to monumentally mess up what on the surface was a "good life", but being a man and bottling years and years of things up eventually the lid blew off.
I practiced and practiced partial hanging until I had it perfected, and then the first UK COVID lockdown ended and my partner was heading back to work while I was still furloughed. Within minutes of her walking out the door I was tied up and well on my way, until her dad busted through the door to "save me", waking up in a puddle of my own piss and shit. I don't know how close I was to being successful, and had I not said bye to my partner in a different way to usual then I 100% would not be here right now.
Fast forward to now. Except for a few months of "highs", the last years have been just as bad. I have suicide in the forefront of my mind most everyday, and the reasons for sticking around are getting less and less.
And now for the vent, I feel like such a burden offloading onto my friends all the time, and I know that my current situation is such a stupid reason to be feeling this way.. but maybe that just makes it worse.
It started this summer; I met a women on Instagram, from the get go the chemistry and connection was ridiculous. It didn't take long until we was talking all day everyday, falling asleep whilst texting and waking up to continue the conversation. We both laughed and joked about how crazy it was to be moving so fast, but we really had started to fall in love with eachother. I was with my ex since university for almost 8 years, and after 4 years of being single I really wasn't looking for anything and neither was this new women. It just happened. Before I knew it I was travelling to NI to meet her, where the connection just got stronger and made me realise that really she might actually be the one. I return home and we continue to talk, nothing had changed at all. The connection just getting stronger and stronger. By this point we'd shared all of our deepest secrets, and it's safe to say.. I am completely in love, besotted with this women. Like nothing I have ever felt before, and in such a short amount of time.
Then comes December, one evening we are talking fine and she all a sudden stops replying, I think no big deal she must be busy or fallen asleep. I continue my evening and go to sleep. The next day she still hasn't messaged, so I go to the gym and wait until lunch time to find out if everything is okay, she says she's been busy and is getting ready for her works Christmas party. I reply to say no problem and talk when she's free. She then sends me a few pictures of her all dressed up and ready to go to her party, this women isn't conventionally attractive.. but my god, to me she is absolutely unreal. Looking at her just makes my whole world melt and to forget all my worries. I reply to say she looks beautiful and wish her a good evening, she doesn't reply until the next morning to say she is hungover and drank too much. I'm out and about so I reply as soon as I can, that evening we have some small talk about how the weekend has gone so fast and then I fall asleep without saying goodnight, as is usual for one of us.
I wake the next morning, as usual I reach for my phone to reply to her and continue our now daily routine. She doesn't reply. At all.
A few days pass and by which point my anxiety is through the roof, I fear the worse that she's ghosted me and send a text to say as much. To this she does reply, and tells me something has happened and she isn't talking to anyone, not even her family or friends, she has completely withdrawn from human interaction. This absolutely kills me, I don't understand what has happened, she says she can't tell me and of course I fear the worst that i have done something wrong.. but all I'm doing is adding to her problems (which she tells me) and clearly pushing her away. I try so so hard to give her the space but also to say I am there if she needs me. I dont want to lose this relationship at all but in my gut I know that is what is happening. Eventually I get the message I wanted to hear the least. She is "putting me out of my misery and saying that's it". It feels like my whole world has crashed down again. She tells me how much she will miss me and miss talking to me everyday, but that she can't do a relationship etc etc. It absolutely kills me.
I write a response over the course of the next few days, I don't want to lose this and I get the feeling she doesn't either. I re-read, re-write, so on so on, so many times until I eventually send it. She doesn't reply.
I'm now a month or so on, not a single day passes where I she isn't on my mind. It doesn't matter how busy I am, she is on my mind. I'm not sleeping again, I'm not eating again, I've gone from the gym everyday to barely being able to leave the house except for work. And to make it worse, she hasn't blocked me. My heart is screaming everyday to reach out to her but my brain tells me it's over. This whole breakup kills me inside, worse than the end of my 8 year relationship.
Anyway, I did message her last night in a moment of weakness. Of course she didn't reply. I am mentally drained, physically weak from lack of food and sleep. And I just can't see how I am going to move on from this.
When others have been down over a relationship I've always said "you lived before you knew this person, you can live without them again".. but what a stupid fucking thing to say, because it's not true. How on earth do you live knowing full well the chances are you'll never talk to this person again, let alone see them again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal BECAUSE of this, it is just a big contributing factor to how I feel right now.
I guess, I just need someone to talk to. To try and distract me but it feels so wrong to "use" someone like that.
Of course I do have a plan to CTB, how many of us on here don't? But everyday is getting harder and harder not to act.
I have never posted here, but been a long long time lurker. About 5-6 years ago at the age of 24-25 I managed to monumentally mess up what on the surface was a "good life", but being a man and bottling years and years of things up eventually the lid blew off.
I practiced and practiced partial hanging until I had it perfected, and then the first UK COVID lockdown ended and my partner was heading back to work while I was still furloughed. Within minutes of her walking out the door I was tied up and well on my way, until her dad busted through the door to "save me", waking up in a puddle of my own piss and shit. I don't know how close I was to being successful, and had I not said bye to my partner in a different way to usual then I 100% would not be here right now.
Fast forward to now. Except for a few months of "highs", the last years have been just as bad. I have suicide in the forefront of my mind most everyday, and the reasons for sticking around are getting less and less.
And now for the vent, I feel like such a burden offloading onto my friends all the time, and I know that my current situation is such a stupid reason to be feeling this way.. but maybe that just makes it worse.
It started this summer; I met a women on Instagram, from the get go the chemistry and connection was ridiculous. It didn't take long until we was talking all day everyday, falling asleep whilst texting and waking up to continue the conversation. We both laughed and joked about how crazy it was to be moving so fast, but we really had started to fall in love with eachother. I was with my ex since university for almost 8 years, and after 4 years of being single I really wasn't looking for anything and neither was this new women. It just happened. Before I knew it I was travelling to NI to meet her, where the connection just got stronger and made me realise that really she might actually be the one. I return home and we continue to talk, nothing had changed at all. The connection just getting stronger and stronger. By this point we'd shared all of our deepest secrets, and it's safe to say.. I am completely in love, besotted with this women. Like nothing I have ever felt before, and in such a short amount of time.
Then comes December, one evening we are talking fine and she all a sudden stops replying, I think no big deal she must be busy or fallen asleep. I continue my evening and go to sleep. The next day she still hasn't messaged, so I go to the gym and wait until lunch time to find out if everything is okay, she says she's been busy and is getting ready for her works Christmas party. I reply to say no problem and talk when she's free. She then sends me a few pictures of her all dressed up and ready to go to her party, this women isn't conventionally attractive.. but my god, to me she is absolutely unreal. Looking at her just makes my whole world melt and to forget all my worries. I reply to say she looks beautiful and wish her a good evening, she doesn't reply until the next morning to say she is hungover and drank too much. I'm out and about so I reply as soon as I can, that evening we have some small talk about how the weekend has gone so fast and then I fall asleep without saying goodnight, as is usual for one of us.
I wake the next morning, as usual I reach for my phone to reply to her and continue our now daily routine. She doesn't reply. At all.
A few days pass and by which point my anxiety is through the roof, I fear the worse that she's ghosted me and send a text to say as much. To this she does reply, and tells me something has happened and she isn't talking to anyone, not even her family or friends, she has completely withdrawn from human interaction. This absolutely kills me, I don't understand what has happened, she says she can't tell me and of course I fear the worst that i have done something wrong.. but all I'm doing is adding to her problems (which she tells me) and clearly pushing her away. I try so so hard to give her the space but also to say I am there if she needs me. I dont want to lose this relationship at all but in my gut I know that is what is happening. Eventually I get the message I wanted to hear the least. She is "putting me out of my misery and saying that's it". It feels like my whole world has crashed down again. She tells me how much she will miss me and miss talking to me everyday, but that she can't do a relationship etc etc. It absolutely kills me.
I write a response over the course of the next few days, I don't want to lose this and I get the feeling she doesn't either. I re-read, re-write, so on so on, so many times until I eventually send it. She doesn't reply.
I'm now a month or so on, not a single day passes where I she isn't on my mind. It doesn't matter how busy I am, she is on my mind. I'm not sleeping again, I'm not eating again, I've gone from the gym everyday to barely being able to leave the house except for work. And to make it worse, she hasn't blocked me. My heart is screaming everyday to reach out to her but my brain tells me it's over. This whole breakup kills me inside, worse than the end of my 8 year relationship.
Anyway, I did message her last night in a moment of weakness. Of course she didn't reply. I am mentally drained, physically weak from lack of food and sleep. And I just can't see how I am going to move on from this.
When others have been down over a relationship I've always said "you lived before you knew this person, you can live without them again".. but what a stupid fucking thing to say, because it's not true. How on earth do you live knowing full well the chances are you'll never talk to this person again, let alone see them again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal BECAUSE of this, it is just a big contributing factor to how I feel right now.
I guess, I just need someone to talk to. To try and distract me but it feels so wrong to "use" someone like that.
Of course I do have a plan to CTB, how many of us on here don't? But everyday is getting harder and harder not to act.
