Venting Back to torturing myself

[willitpass]

Other than eating disorder-related behaviours like restricting and laxatives, I haven't really self harmed since going into treatment in October. The occasional superficial cut or punching myself when I was extremely escalated, because being in traumatic treatment environments leaves me with absolutely zero ability to handle myself, but nothing like what I was used to doing. I haven't overdosed on OTC pain killers or sleep deprived myself or intentionally tried to infect myself. Often due to lack of availability while in treatment more than anything, but I had some opportunities and chose not to use them. But here I am, back at it again. I've had some further medical issues come up recently that have resulted in me having an indwelling medical device for the time being. If anyone was here this time last year, they may remember my attempt to give myself sepsis as a self-harm method and a hail Mary attempt at hoping to die through a less direct method (for anyone new here, this is not a method, I have medical conditions that leave me more susceptible to infection, giving yourself sepsis is almost impossible if you are not medically compromised, and even if you are, it can still be very difficult. And it would be a VERY painful death with a high probability of surviving with permanent damage if anyone were to save you or you to decide to save yourself. I'm talking limb loss, organ damage, brain damage, etc. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS. I know this is hypocritical of me to dissuade people from doing something I am doing, but I am well aware of all of the risks I am taking, how stupid I am being, and how painful it is if I am to succeed). That time I did it via a cut that I continually reopened and soiled. It did not work, obviously. However, even with my medical issues, the skin is made at protecting against infection. Now that I have a direct access to the body in a way that is highly at risk for infection, especially one leading to a septic infection, I've decided to try again. I don't have any follow up appointments for over a week, so I have plenty of time to attempt this, become septic, and die if it works, and if it doesn't, I have plenty of time to move on and not raise questions from a doctor.

I'm in this shitty limbo right now where I do not want to live yet am JUST stable enough to be too much of a pussy to actively pull the trigger on a real method. It's a fucked fence I keep sitting on. This feels like a more passive suicide. Yeah, I have to go through with infecting it, but the infection wouldn't kill me for hours-days if it did work. There's a disconnect from start to finish. And if it doesn't kill me, it will fucking hurt. And I've missed torturing myself. I've missed feeling so awful, making myself feel on the verge of death. I loathe myself and deserve all of the pain that I can induce in myself. If this doesn't kill me, I deserve whatever agony it brings.

 

[willitpass]

I think I may have made some progress. I'm having extreme pain at the site, bad smelling drainage, and I feel like I may have a fever, but have lost my thermometer so I'm not sure. Only time will tell if the infection sets in or if my body can manage to fight it.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I think I may have made some progress. I'm having extreme pain at the site, bad smelling drainage, and I feel like I may have a fever, but have lost my thermometer so I'm not sure. Only time will tell if the infection sets in or if my body can manage to fight it.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, and that you have felt enough pain in your life that this is something you are doing to yourself.

Feel free to ignore me and I haven't gone through the level of pain you have, and maybe it's just impossible for me to understand. But why are you doing this to yourself? You're smart, and you know this is an absolutely nightmarish way to go. Do you think you deserve this? Although I feel bad saying it, I hope you either die quickly from this or are able to recover. My heart hurts when I read your posts, you deserve better than this <3

 

[willitpass]

people like you should be depraved from any kind of public healthcare. Tax money shoudnt be wasted on those who do this kind of absurd shit to themselfs

I am not abusing the healthcare system because I never plan on getting help for this. I went into the hospital to get this while I was inpatient and have conditions that require it. I was inpatient, I couldn't refuse life saving medical care or I would have been sectioned and forced into getting it. But infecting it is something that will never see the light of day. If what I want to happen happens, I will become septic within the next few days and be dead before anyone finds me. If it doesn't go to plan, the infection will not set in, I'll manage it with home remedies, and only go to the doctor for routine maintenance. So the tax money you claim is being wasted (I live in the US and have private insurance, so no tax money is going anywhere) is still going to people who actually want help. In fact, if this goes as planned, I'll be dead before I ever see a medical professional again and will be saving the mental and physical healthcare systems from ever having to see me again. But thank you for your input without having any true idea of what's happening.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, and that you have felt enough pain in your life that this is something you are doing to yourself.

Feel free to ignore me and I haven't gone through the level of pain you have, and maybe it's just impossible for me to understand. But why are you doing this to yourself? You're smart, and you know this is an absolutely nightmarish way to go. Do you think you deserve this? Although I feel bad saying it, I hope you either die quickly from this or are able to recover. My heart hurts when I read your posts, you deserve better than this <3

I do feel I deserve this. The same thing that brought me to absolutely torturing myself for pretty much all of 2024. I disgust myself. I feel uncomfortable any time I am comfortable. I don't completely know why, I think I've just been fucked in the head for so long my brain doesn't know any different. I've long believed I deserve a long, slow, agonizing death. That's why I've never feared any of the God awful self harm I engage in, because if it doesn't kill me then I deserve the pain in life, and if it does kill me, I deserve the pain in death. And when the alternative to this is the CTB plan my brain is set on and refuses to move on from of self-immolation, this quite honestly would be the more peaceful of the two options.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Sending hugs, WIP. The ones who have been following understand the situation and I'm sorry you encounter so many that do not, new or not. <3 <3

 

[joshardy]

Best of luck, I hope the world is kinder to you in the future.

 

[willitpass]

I feel so sick. I'm freezing, incredibly nauseous and thrown up some, exhausted, weak, dizzy, my head hurts. There's an increasing amount of infected drainage. My heart rate and blood pressure are currently normal, and I don't have a thermometer but I don't believe I have a fever.