Story Backed out//My experience with SN

[Notaclockiswear]

Honestly don't know how to start this. For some reason I feel super guilty for backing out, and even more guilty that I took it in the first place. Anyways since I know now what I'm in for, I'll try to explain my experience with SN as best as I can.

Right after I made my previous posts, I took the SN and laid out towels in my grandmother's bathtub and planned on laying there until I fell asleep permanently. That was until my SI kicked in. I woke my ma up and told her that I "took a chemical" and wasn't feeling too hot. Immediately after taking the SN my heart was racing but I'm almost certain that it's because of the anxiety rather than it just taking effect really quickly but this was my first ever suicide attempt so. But anyways, my ma made me take the chemical with me to the hospital so they would know what to give me to help (now I have no more SN so I'll have to save up n hopefully get more) and I made up a lie that I'd accidentally taken it thinking it was some weight loss shit that would make me lose weight.

The drive was maybe 5-10 minutes and I while I was standing at the reception desk with her, I started feeling like I was gonna pass out. My ears were ringing and my surroundings were kinda muffled and my breathing was getting a little heavy. I should preface that I took NO meds or anything to prep for this, but I do IF so fasting for this wasn't a problem, and I'd been fasting for around 8 hours at this point.

Somehow, I blacked out and woke up on the ground. I blacked out again and woke up on a stretcher with nurses surrounding me and I got so many fucking shots, they were also asking me my name and if I remember anything. I stayed lucid during this and after a while they wheeled me somewhere. Also while I was on the stretcher I noticed my fingertips turning a faint blue (I'm black so I was actually really curious to see how it'd look on my skin lmao) I guess I blacked out again and I remember waking up in the hospital bed and was restrained. I had a tube in my nose and one in my mouth. I also had a IV on both arms and my neck (yes, it still stings and my left arm is bruised asf). I was honestly confused at this point and my entire body was so fucking sore like I'd just done some intense workouts the day before.


I was told that I was on suicide watch and that I couldn't have my phone or anything like that so the stay was boring ASF and I had a sitter (I guess that's what you call it idk), and theyd just stay in the room with me and just sit there and make sure I didn't do anything crazy. My ma filled me in on everything that happened while I was passed out and she told me that I had multiple seizures, and that one was so strong that I had multiple people handling me (I can't remember what she said correctly but something along those lines). She said they also bathed me and clothed me which totally wasn't embarrassing as hell to learn (oh yeah and when I was being taken somewhere in the stretcher they were undressing me). She also said that my hands, lips, and feet were blue.

The first day in the hospital was the worst, I think I spent around 4 days in the hospital total and they all sucked ass. The sitters literally wouldn't leave the room and the nurses was super sweet but they came in like every hour even when I was sleep to come n prick me. I also had to pee in the room (there was a toilet in the cabinet lol) and couldn't shower and some of the sitters would literally talk so fucking loud at midnight when ppl r trying to sleep. I also had to talk to a psychiatrist over FaceTime and luckily they either believed my story of me being misguided and thinking it was just some weight loss thing, or they just didn't care enough to put me in a psych ward (which I've never been to either so). I also have to go back soon for a checkup or something and also my pee is still kinda green lol (at first it was a REALLY dark blue like damn). But yeah, that's pretty much all I can remember lol. Also the SN was so fucking salty, I'm not even kidding when I say I'm still haunted by the taste of it. At the time it wasn't that bad but now I still feel sick thinking about it. ALSO I didn't measure my SN, I poured it straight from the bottle slowly until I felt like it was enough so I'm not even sure how much I took but yeah, take care of yourselves uhh I don't really know how to end this but yeah. I'm still feeling ashamed and guilty. I do feel a little different mentally since that was my first attempt. Anyways, yeah sorry this is all over the place. Goodnight friends, if you're using the SN method and you're wondering if it was painful or anything, it wasn't!! The most painful part is the recovery and those fucking tubes and hearing my aunt crying over the phone because she was happy to hear my voice. I was kinda worried beforehand as well because I didn't have any of those antiemetics or whatever tf, I literally only had the SN and as an 18 y/o who doesn't even have any source of income, yeah I wasn't about to save up pennies and sell myself for some pain meds or N or whatever. But yeah I don't know what else to say lol, I lived and if I hadn't backed out I wouldn't have. It was painless and way more quick to take action than I thought. Okay bye I love you, I think for now I'll just take it easy or something I don't know bye this is so long omg sorry I love you and I wouldn't wish those hellish tubes on anyone cause fuck

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you went through that I'm glad you're still here

 

[BipolarExpress]

I'm glad you're all right or mostly all right, anyway. That experience sounds terrifying, especially if you realised midway that you wanted to live.

 

[Rounded Agony]

Dang, always appreciate when someone shares a story like this especially concerning how the sn felt for them. Thank you, and sorry to hear about the unpleasant aftermath. Are you out of hospital now? How are things going for you, and what are you thinking/feeling for the short/long term?

Also, feel free to not answer, but I'm curious about two things you already sort of mentioned: the breathing tube (specifically how it felt and removal) as well as any effects on your bowels, and how #2 went over. Both of these things affect me uniquely about the idea of sn recovery and just am curious about having a fuller picture for if I end up trying this method.

Wishing you well and a speedy recovery.

 

[Notaclockiswear]

Sorry you went through that I'm glad you're still here

Thank you, and I appreciate it! <33

I'm glad you're all right or mostly all right, anyway. That experience sounds terrifying, especially if you realised midway that you wanted to live.

Honestly, the scariest part for me was having to tell my ma and driving to the hospital with her because I knew I was gonna be questioned so much, also worrying about the ward was pretty scary but luckily I somehow avoided it lol, thank you!

Dang, always appreciate when someone shares a story like this especially concerning how the sn felt for them. Thank you, and sorry to hear about the unpleasant aftermath. Are you out of hospital now? How are things going for you, and what are you thinking/feeling for the short/long term?

Also, feel free to not answer, but I'm curious about two things you already sort of mentioned: the breathing tube (specifically how it felt and removal) as well as any effects on your bowels, and how #2 went over. Both of these things affect me uniquely about the idea of sn recovery and just am curious about having a fuller picture for if I end up trying this method.

Wishing you well and a speedy recovery.

Thank you! I don't mind answering any questions, and I'm feeling pretty good for the most part. I've been out of the hospital for a few days now and recovery has been going pretty well apart from the soreness from the IVs on my left arm and neck.

As for the breathing tube, when put in I was unconscious but when I'd woken up in the hospital bed it was hell. It hurted and combined with the nose tube and the restraints it wasn't fun at all. I don't remember the breathing tube hurting when being removed (honestly I don't remember it at all), BUT the nose tube hurt like hell! It was literally yanked out and my nose started bleeding so much, I was super surprised because I didn't expect that to happen lol. I'm glad it's over though. Also with the breathing tube in, I couldn't speak at all and when it was removed my voice was so..groggy if you could put it that way, like my throat had a lot of buildup or whatever and I had to cough it up and clear my throat a lot which was kinda embarrassing lol but I'm glad it's mostly out of my system now!

For the bowel movements, I did #1 normally in the hospital but because of the suicide watch and the fact that in the ER, I had to use the bathroom with the sitter being in there (and my second sitter was really kind and would hold me and walk me to the toilet because my body was so sore), I opted to wait. And when I was moved to a less serious floor where there was an actual bathroom and shower, they told me I had to keep the door open/cracked so I just waited til I got home to go #2 (which went over normally and I was so glad to finally be home and have an actual bathroom with no suicide watch rules lol). I hope this answers anything and clears up any doubts, if you have any more questions feel free to ask cause I really don't mind lol!

 

[brokensea]

You're really well descriptive in everything you shared. I imagine it must all seem surreal. What made you change your mind do you think? Have you reconsidered anything? I imagine they used Methylene blue at some point?

 

[Notaclockiswear]

You're really well descriptive in everything you shared. I imagine it must all seem surreal. What made you change your mind do you think? Have you reconsidered anything? I imagine they used Methylene blue at some point?

Thank you! And yes they used the methylene blue. I think what made me change my mind was the repercussions honestly, after I'd drunk the SN my mind was like "well fuck, I'm gonna die and I'm not sure how I feel about that." At the moment I don't have any intentions on immediately ctbing, but I do still want more SN as a backup or a just in case kinda thing.

 

[Dizzylady80]

Why do you feel guilty bb? Backing out isn't anything to be ashamed of, I'm sorry you feel that way ❤

 

[Notaclockiswear]

Why do you feel guilty bb? Backing out isn't anything to be ashamed of, I'm sorry you feel that way ❤

Honestly I feel a little embarrassed and guilty lol even though I know I have no reason to, I'll get over it though. I guess I feel like I wasted everyone's time or something, including irl T_T It's just a dumb feeling

 

[DreamEnd]

How much sn did you take?

 

[leeloosnow]

Hey thank you so much for your well written and thorough discussion about the experience. It speaks to your character to overcome feelings of pain and guilt, and talk about it openly to others considering the same path. I'm older than you but when i was maybe 17 and bad circumstances piled up, at that time i did more drugs frequently, so it got easy to think well my shit sucks, here's a lot of dope i don't care what happens... ended up overdosing on a blend including a lot of i think valium and percs. It didn't occur to me nor did I have anywhere to talk productively, I just said fuckit as soon as i was down to a couple IV's in the step down unit, called dude and took out iv and went to get high again. But I was intubated and restrained there, no sitters, glass walls in that unit. It's years ago, but I still remember the pain of intubation, cath, restraint. So scary, traumatizing, and they're quick to do that and leave me more reasons to be fkd and less places to fix stuff. I am so sorry you experienced anything similar!!! I felt a little guilty as I had set a date for first sn try, i 'backed out' before drinking, and yet a sloght feeling guilty or waste anyone's worry/time, i never wanna do that. I do find these discussions helpful, it's nice to hear yours so thank you so much. I hope you have a speedy recovery from all that, and that life brings you comfort and kindness anywhere you wanna travel. Big hugs!!!

How much sn did you take?

he said he didn't measure

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

theres nothing to feel bad about , its normal to give in to survival instinct. This is why i want a fast method so i cant back out.

 

[marcy2022]

I'm sorry you had go through that.
You said "planned on laying there until falling asleep". If I understand it correctly, you never feel asleep, right?
Any idea how long it took for the SI to kick in?
Do you by any chance remember how much SN you had and approximately how much SN did you use in how much water?

 

[Rounded Agony]

Thank you! I don't mind answering any questions, and I'm feeling pretty good for the most part. I've been out of the hospital for a few days now and recovery has been going pretty well apart from the soreness from the IVs on my left arm and neck.

As for the breathing tube, when put in I was unconscious but when I'd woken up in the hospital bed it was hell. It hurted and combined with the nose tube and the restraints it wasn't fun at all. I don't remember the breathing tube hurting when being removed (honestly I don't remember it at all), BUT the nose tube hurt like hell! It was literally yanked out and my nose started bleeding so much, I was super surprised because I didn't expect that to happen lol. I'm glad it's over though. Also with the breathing tube in, I couldn't speak at all and when it was removed my voice was so..groggy if you could put it that way, like my throat had a lot of buildup or whatever and I had to cough it up and clear my throat a lot which was kinda embarrassing lol but I'm glad it's mostly out of my system now!

For the bowel movements, I did #1 normally in the hospital but because of the suicide watch and the fact that in the ER, I had to use the bathroom with the sitter being in there (and my second sitter was really kind and would hold me and walk me to the toilet because my body was so sore), I opted to wait. And when I was moved to a less serious floor where there was an actual bathroom and shower, they told me I had to keep the door open/cracked so I just waited til I got home to go #2 (which went over normally and I was so glad to finally be home and have an actual bathroom with no suicide watch rules lol). I hope this answers anything and clears up any doubts, if you have any more questions feel free to ask cause I really don't mind lol!

Thank you for fielding those questions. Interesting the IV sites still hurt for so long; I guess it is basically a gaping hole in your skin for an extended period of time, eugh!

Someone else who sought help last minute and posted about it recently said a similar thing; I think they were shot up with propofol when they took the tube out so while unpleasant, it wasn't horrendous for them. Did they remove it once you regained consciousness, or were just laying there aware with it in you for a while? And on the BM thing - didn't you say you were in the hospital for four days? No #2 for four days, and it was normal afterwards? Damn, that's impressive for multiple reasons. I'm glad it wen over okay for you though all things considered. I get weird about dumps when I think people can just hear me on the other side of the door, there's no way I could go with someone in the damn room.

Also want to take a second to recognize how unnecessarily paternalistic that whole aspect of the response is. It was you who decided to get help after taking the sn because you realised you didn't want to die - but they still have someone watch you like a hawk EVEN IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM because, what, they think you're going to try and drown yourself in the god damn sink or something? I get it if someone was interrupted or found or whatever, but you changed your mind. Either way, why don't they just not have things in the bathroom that someone could use to kill themselves? Ugh. Irritating.

Anyway stay strong. It sounds like you're healing up, be kind to yourself. Whatever led you to this point is legitimate as is the trauma you've just faced.

 

[Amccorm2]

I always find it interesting reading about the personal experiences with SN.

It will be my preferred method so it helps to draw from other people's experience. I have noticed that from the past 3 accounts I've read, there is little reference to vomiting and each contributor is able to share their story because they were able to request help (that's nothing to be ashamed of).

I think the most important lesson for me is to ensure that I destroy my phone shortly after ingestion.

Thank you once again for sharing your experience, it really helps some of us on here.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you went through this- it sounds really scary but thank you for sharing your experience. I'm considering SN too, so it really relives me when I hear there wasn't terrific pain involved for someone.

The aftermath sounded ghastly. I hope you are able to recover quickly. Don't be hard on yourself or ashamed- none of us know how we'll react when the time comes. I wish you all the best.

 

[Dizzylady80]

Thank you! And yes they used the methylene blue. I think what made me change my mind was the repercussions honestly, after I'd drunk the SN my mind was like "well fuck, I'm gonna die and I'm not sure how I feel about that." At the moment I don't have any intentions on immediately ctbing, but I do still want more SN as a backup or a just in case kinda thing.

It sounds good you changed your mind when you did then! ❤ I've definitely been there, in fact I've recently been going back and forth about it a lot and am currently in the "not intending on ctbing" camp. Sometimes it can take a close call like that to start to get a sense of what you really want, maybe this could be a good opportunity to reorient yourself. Have you looked into mental health treatment options? If not I'd recommend working with a therapist to see how to move forward

 

[Cathy Ames]

For some reason I feel super guilty for backing out,

OMG, there is no need to feel guilty about this (or anything else you have done)! I hope you will feel better soon.

 

[je.suis.prêt]

I hope you're doing ok. Even though it sounded somewhat painless, it's still a rough thing to go through.

Have you completely recovered? Like, completely back to normal? No kidney pain/problems? Anything with your brain?

If you didn't call for help, do you think it would have worked? I don't mean to be insensitive, but I'm making my own plans and getting my hands on antiemetic meds seem like too many hoops to jump through – i.e. sketchy websites, fear of taking unsafe medication, etc – so the fact that it seems like it would have been successful without an AE is reassuring.

I'm sorry you're in a rough spot, and thank you for sharing your experience.
Be kind to yourself, there's nothing wrong with backing out.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like an awful experience, but thank you for sharing what you went through. SN doesn't sound like a horrible way to die to me at all, I mean it doesn't sound as peaceful and as ideal as N, but it still sounds more preferable to many other methods.

 

[Destiny Calls Me]

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps many of us on insight of taking SN and the complications that come with it if you back out. SI is a mofo that even the most mentally prepared cannot withhold.

 

[Notaclockiswear]

How much sn did you take?

I'm not sure, I was just pouring from the bottle until I was satisfied. It couldn't've been less than a teaspoon though

I'm sorry you had go through that.
You said "planned on laying there until falling asleep". If I understand it correctly, you never feel asleep, right?
Any idea how long it took for the SI to kick in?
Do you by any chance remember how much SN you had and approximately how much SN did you use in how much water?

For me, SI kicked in almost immediately which is why I didn't lay in the tub to fall asleep. I don't remember how much SN I had exactly, but the best way I can put it is that you don't need that much (at least I didn't). I had a little bit of water left (maybe a gulp or two left) and poured until it felt right. I pretty much went off chart with my measuring because I just eyeballed everything. I was pretty frustrated with all the calculations of the method and just said fuck it lol so it's probably not the best explaination

That does sound like an awful experience, but thank you for sharing what you went through. SN doesn't sound like a horrible way to die to me at all, I mean it doesn't sound as peaceful and as ideal as N, but it still sounds more preferable to many other methods.

Very true, I wasn't expecting really painful symptoms but SN was very tolerable and I would do it again lol honestly I would describe my experience with it as peaceful if I coulda calmed down and just went with it

I hope you're doing ok. Even though it sounded somewhat painless, it's still a rough thing to go through.

Have you completely recovered? Like, completely back to normal? No kidney pain/problems? Anything with your brain?

If you didn't call for help, do you think it would have worked? I don't mean to be insensitive, but I'm making my own plans and getting my hands on antiemetic meds seem like too many hoops to jump through – i.e. sketchy websites, fear of taking unsafe medication, etc – so the fact that it seems like it would have been successful without an AE is reassuring.

I'm sorry you're in a rough spot, and thank you for sharing your experience.
Be kind to yourself, there's nothing wrong with backing out.

Thank you, and apart from some soreness on my neck and left arm, I'm completely fine. I didnt have any kidney pains or brain problems during and recovering.

I do think that if I hadn't backed out I would have died. While planning, I was also really stressed about needing to buy extra stuff and just got so fed up that I only did the fasting and just took the SN and it seemed to work fine. I don't even think I got a bad headache or threw up, but then again I don't think my experience was as drawn out as others were so I'm not sure.

That is my question too I don't have antimetics and can't get other meds and can't really fast for certain. Also in extreme physical pain already so can't go through with all that stuff afterwards. So just wondering if they told you you would have passed if you didn't get help? Wasn't it scary to black out and then wake up again? I have no one to find me here so.

I believe I for sure would have passed if I didn't get help. The reason for the breathing tubes they put in my mouth that go down my throat was because my body stopped breathing completely. If I was alone and didn't call for help I would've passed due to that. As for the blacking out, it wasn't scary for me. It was just like one second I'm standing and the next I'm on the floor, maybe a little confusing though. I was actually kinda excited about the blacking out beforehand because I was curious lol. Although maybe hours had passed while I was in some blacked out state, it only felt like gaps in my memory or seconds passing for me. Also I'm very sorry to hear about the physical pain you have to go through

 

[H0110W]

Did they figure out it was an intentional attempt at suicide or did your lie about the weight loss supplement stand?
They for sure know it was sodium nitrite poisoning if they cured you, and there is literally nothing on the internet that claims it could be used for weight loss. If they believed you, they may start an investigation into it because it totally sound like someone tried to murder you by telling you it was a supplement.

 

[Notaclockiswear]

It sounds good you changed your mind when you did then! ❤ I've definitely been there, in fact I've recently been going back and forth about it a lot and am currently in the "not intending on ctbing" camp. Sometimes it can take a close call like that to start to get a sense of what you really want, maybe this could be a good opportunity to reorient yourself. Have you looked into mental health treatment options? If not I'd recommend working with a therapist to see how to move forward

Unfortunately I can't do therapy T_T my family was raised heavily religious and basically believe that I can pray the mental illnesses away and when I talked to my ma about being mentally ill and possibly neurodivergent, she just said that "you're smart so you can't be autistic" and also "there's nothing wrong with you, it's just a demon trying to separate you from your family and making you do these things." I love my mother dearly but I can't talk to her about my issues. Also when I was younger I actually tried to get therapy for myself at school and she told me to tell the therapist that I was just faking everything for attention since I wasn't the baby of the family anymore. I guess she thinks that if I get therapy I'll instantly be thrown into a psych Ward and put on copious amounts of drugs that'll change me forever or something

Did they figure out it was an intentional attempt at suicide or did your lie about the weight loss supplement stand?
They for sure know it was sodium nitrite poisoning if they cured you, and there is literally nothing on the internet that claims it could be used for weight loss. If they believed you, they may start an investigation into it because it totally sound like someone tried to murder you by telling you it was a supplement.

I have to go back for a physical checkup but it seems for the moment that they somehow bought that I was misguided when I took it. I was worried about that in the hospital as well but hopefully they'll just let it go somehow. I don't think they care that much to start an investigation though

I always find it interesting reading about the personal experiences with SN.

It will be my preferred method so it helps to draw from other people's experience. I have noticed that from the past 3 accounts I've read, there is little reference to vomiting and each contributor is able to share their story because they were able to request help (that's nothing to be ashamed of).

I think the most important lesson for me is to ensure that I destroy my phone shortly after ingestion.

Thank you once again for sharing your experience, it really helps some of us on here.

Honestly I forgot all about the vomiting with SN. Even without taking any previous meds, I think fasting was enough for me to keep it down. It's definitely a good method imo, and while I didn't smash my phone, I did delete anything that could've made people believe it was an attempt at suicide just in case I lived and people wanted to go through my phone, I also deleted any apps where I talked to friends about my suicide because I didn't want to incriminate them somehow for knowing

 

[H0110W]

I have to go back for a physical checkup but it seems for the moment that they somehow bought that I was misguided when I took it. I was worried about that in the hospital as well but hopefully they'll just let it go somehow. I don't think they care that much to start an investigation though

Attempted murder is pretty serious though, and from your story it totally sounds like someone told you to take it, lying about the substance, in order to kill you. There is no way it was a mistake, nothing on the internet points at sn being used for that. If they believed that, they WILL look into it for sure. That is why I think you should tell the truth and talk to somebody about the reasons why you wanted to commit suicide. I personally think that at your age, assuming you told the truth, it's too early to ctb and there should still be hope for recovery in most cases. Whatever happens, I wish you good luck.

 

[Notaclockiswear]

Thank you for fielding those questions. Interesting the IV sites still hurt for so long; I guess it is basically a gaping hole in your skin for an extended period of time, eugh!

Someone else who sought help last minute and posted about it recently said a similar thing; I think they were shot up with propofol when they took the tube out so while unpleasant, it wasn't horrendous for them. Did they remove it once you regained consciousness, or were just laying there aware with it in you for a while? And on the BM thing - didn't you say you were in the hospital for four days? No #2 for four days, and it was normal afterwards? Damn, that's impressive for multiple reasons. I'm glad it wen over okay for you though all things considered. I get weird about dumps when I think people can just hear me on the other side of the door, there's no way I could go with someone in the damn room.

Also want to take a second to recognize how unnecessarily paternalistic that whole aspect of the response is. It was you who decided to get help after taking the sn because you realised you didn't want to die - but they still have someone watch you like a hawk EVEN IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM because, what, they think you're going to try and drown yourself in the god damn sink or something? I get it if someone was interrupted or found or whatever, but you changed your mind. Either way, why don't they just not have things in the bathroom that someone could use to kill themselves? Ugh. Irritating.

Anyway stay strong. It sounds like you're healing up, be kind to yourself. Whatever led you to this point is legitimate as is the trauma you've just faced.

For me, they didn't remove it instantly. I think I slept with it in for a while and maybe that morning they removed it. As for the BM, I guess I got lucky to be fair I did opt for their liquid diet because my throat was hurting so bad and all they gave me was pudding and juice so that must've helped.


The bathroom thing was the worst. The shower was cold as hell too and they made me shower with the door open, luckily I did have a shower curtain so that made it a little better but it still was kinda embarrassing especially because the sitter is a complete stranger and the last woman I had fucking sucked as well so it definitely wasn't enjoyable at all.

Attempted murder is pretty serious though, and from your story it totally sounds like someone told you to take it, lying about the substance, in order to kill you. There is no way it was a mistake, nothing on the internet points at sn being used for that. If they believed that, they WILL look into it for sure. That is why I think you should tell the truth and talk to somebody about the reasons why you wanted to commit suicide. I personally think that at your age, assuming you told the truth, it's too early to ctb and there should still be hope for recovery in most cases. Whatever happens, I wish you good luck.

They told me that was well (the nothing being used for that) but let me go regardless. I'm hoping it just gets swept under the rug because I really don't wanna deal with anything else pertaining to the situation. I don't think I can come out and tell them the truth though, especially because as far as I know, I could go to a ward and those aren't pretty. Also my ma doesn't want me getting therapy or anything like that so I don't want to bother with what could happen. I just hope it all goes away. Thanks for your realistic look at things, if anything comes up I'll be sure to try and post about it

 

[NoHorizon]

Thank you for sharing your experience. As my preferred method it's so useful to read these sorts of accounts and yours was extremely articulate.

I'm sorry you had a rough experience with the hospital. I'm glad you're doing OK and hope you stay kind to yourself and get any support you need.

 

[grosz]

That is why I am going to choose SN, no more pain is what I want.

 

[hiddenbpd]

Thank you for sharing . It's important to hear about these experiences as well before trying to ctb because it could be many people's reality. Dying is just as hard as living sometimes.

 

[helplessness]

I'm sorry you had a rough experience. Did you have any near dead experience when you were blacked out ?