Venting backing out (i think)

[theconductor25]

fuckkk my mind is absolutely racing right now. This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. There's so much shit I fucked up in my life due to self-hatred. I've literally wasted 10 years of my life doing nothing because of it. Despite that, my mind keeps flooding with thoughts about all the shit I'm gonna miss out if I ctb tonight. I went to Norway last year with my family and even though I was a miserable prick the entire time, it was the most beautiful country I had ever seen. I keep seeing flashbacks of the beauty(mountains, the fjords, how green the grass was) and it makes me want to keep living so I can continue to experience things like that. At the same time, I feel like if I wasn't scared of ctbing and the physical discomfort associated with it, then I would go through with ctbing. Like if ctbing was as simple as swallowing a pill and falling into an endless sleep, then I feel like I would do it right now. However, I'm scared of the side effects of taking SN and the discomfort that occurs in the twenty minutes before unconsciousness.

I'm gonna have to make such a big comeback if I decide to keep living. It's my last year of college, and I'm supposed to graduate, but I stopped taking classes and never got an internship which is a requirement to graduate. Obviously, I'll have to withdraw from college for a little bit till my mental health recovers. I'm also gonna have to make up for all the time (10 years) that I wasted doing nothing with my life.

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

You don't have to make a choice right now. This is an extremely important decision, it won't hurt to take a bit to explore other options or calm down a bit. You seem like you're under a lot of pressure, hopefully things get better for you.

 

[glassbottom]

fuckkk my mind is absolutely racing right now. This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. There's so much shit I fucked up in my life due to self-hatred. I've literally wasted 10 years of my life doing nothing because of it. Despite that, my mind keeps flooding with thoughts about all the shit I'm gonna miss out if I ctb tonight. I went to Norway last year with my family and even though I was a miserable prick the entire time, it was the most beautiful country I had ever seen. I keep seeing flashbacks of the beauty(mountains, the fjords, how green the grass was) and it makes me want to keep living so I can continue to experience things like that. At the same time, I feel like if I wasn't scared of ctbing and the physical discomfort associated with it, then I would go through with ctbing. Like if ctbing was as simple as swallowing a pill and falling into an endless sleep, then I feel like I would do it right now. However, I'm scared of the side effects of taking SN and the discomfort that occurs in the twenty minutes before unconsciousness.

I'm gonna have to make such a big comeback if I decide to keep living. It's my last year of college, and I'm supposed to graduate, but I stopped taking classes and never got an internship which is a requirement to graduate. Obviously, I'll have to withdraw from college for a little bit till my mental health recovers. I'm also gonna have to make up for all the time (10 years) that I wasted doing nothing with my life.

I'm so sorry you feel that way. But scaredofmachines is exactly right. There's no rush if it doesn't feel right, right now. If you do keep going you may well feel better at some point and then, nothing will truly have been wasted, as it will have gotten you there. And if you don't, ctb isn't going anywhere.

I hope you find peace.