Barely hanging on today

[tiredoflife2]

I just needed to vent, woke up at 6 with bad anxiety today. More worry that they'll take my benefits off me or reduce it. Then I'm forced to look for a job again to support my son and my cats.

I'm so tired of being responsible for everything financially, it's so draining. I wish I had someone to lean on. I'm forced to stay here for the time being. I love my son too much to leave him just yet. Not sure how much longer I can last though. I get so envious seeing other women married and having an easy life with a good partner.

 

[Crow_88]

They almost seem to live in another world. Seeing carefree others and how they live

 

[SadFoxDreamer83]

I just needed to vent, woke up at 6 with bad anxiety today. More worry that they'll take my benefits off me or reduce it. Then I'm forced to look for a job again to support my son and my cats.

I'm so tired of being responsible for everything financially, it's so draining. I wish I had someone to lean on. I'm forced to stay here for the time being. I love my son too much to leave him just yet. Not sure how much longer I can last though. I get so envious seeing other women married and having an easy life with a good partner.

Please write more if that helps you feel better. I love cats, I miss having a cat, I loved it when he purred when I petted him.

 

[CatLvr]

I lived that life. I stayed for my kids, who are now grown, and do not regret the pain, anxiety and suffering I endured. Jeez, that sounds so melodramatic. But the truth is I stood in the shower every morning bawling my eyes out getting ready for yet another day that I would be an utter failure to everyone. Everyone but my children.

While, like I said, I do not regret staying for them, now I am having a hard time leaving, again because of them. The one child I have that I can talk to about these "things" understands and says he supports me no matter what I decide. All he asks is that I give him "fair warning" so he is not blindsided when the police show up at his door.

Oddly enough, my ability to talk openly and frankly with him has complicated ctb a thousand times over. Every time I think about letting him know I have picked a date/time I break down. How can I do that to him?? Truth is I cannot. He is my life. I will stay until "God", the "spirits", "fate" or whatever takes me. Because I cannot bear to be the one person that breaks his heart. I just can't. He has grown into the kindest, sweetest, strongest, most loyal man I have ever known. But, even though I know he would be fine if I were to go on ahead of him, I cannot be the person who breaks him like that.

I do hope that when my time finally comes it is soon and quick. I feel like asking for it to be painless might be a bridge too far, given everything else I have asked for. As long as it is gentle enough for him to bear it, I will grit my teeth and bear it. That young man is my life.

 

[tiredoflife2]

Please write more if that helps you feel better. I love cats, I miss having a cat, I loved it when he purred when I petted him.View attachment 159465

Yes cats are great

 

[SadFoxDreamer83]

Yes cats are great

 

[tiredoflife2]

Anxiety even worse today, I keep thinking I'm going to be prosecuted for benefit fraud, intrusive thoughts are killing me. It's like my brain gets stuck on a loop. Then it's goes to not being able to pay my rent and we all end up homeless. Being married and sharing the load would have made my life easier. But with all my mental health issues no one could stick me
Thanks for reading and replying

They almost seem to live in another world. Seeing carefree others and how they live

They're so lucky, nice and cosy lives, sleeping and eating well. Going on holidays and enjoying life.

I lived that life. I stayed for my kids, who are now grown, and do not regret the pain, anxiety and suffering I endured. Jeez, that sounds so melodramatic. But the truth is I stood in the shower every morning bawling my eyes out getting ready for yet another day that I would be an utter failure to everyone. Everyone but my children.

While, like I said, I do not regret staying for them, now I am having a hard time leaving, again because of them. The one child I have that I can talk to about these "things" understands and says he supports me no matter what I decide. All he asks is that I give him "fair warning" so he is not blindsided when the police show up at his door.

Oddly enough, my ability to talk openly and frankly with him has complicated ctb a thousand times over. Every time I think about letting him know I have picked a date/time I break down. How can I do that to him?? Truth is I cannot. He is my life. I will stay until "God", the "spirits", "fate" or whatever takes me. Because I cannot bear to be the one person that breaks his heart. I just can't. He has grown into the kindest, sweetest, strongest, most loyal man I have ever known. But, even though I know he would be fine if I were to go on ahead of him, I cannot be the person who breaks him like that.

I do hope that when my time finally comes it is soon and quick. I feel like asking for it to be painless might be a bridge too far, given everything else I have asked for. As long as it is gentle enough for him to bear it, I will grit my teeth and bear it. That young man is my life.

It's so hard isn't it when you love someone so much you don't want to leave and hurt them

 

[SadFoxDreamer83]

There are days when it is very difficult to silence those thoughts about things that worry you. I try to keep my mind busy to try to scare away those worrying thoughts that increase anxiety, but sometimes they are very persistent. I hope your anxiety dissipates and you start to feel better. I send you a big hug.

 

[tiredoflife2]

There are days when it is very difficult to silence those thoughts about things that worry you. I try to keep my mind busy to try to scare away those worrying thoughts that increase anxiety, but sometimes they are very persistent. I hope your anxiety dissipates and you start to feel better. I send you a big hug.

Thank you