ApparentlyNot
Thanks for all the cats.
- Jul 8, 2023
- 145
Man I really thought I could handle this shit. I thought I had a better perspective than I did when I was a teenager and in my early 20s working jobs like this. I used to be miserable. I used to make the day drag with my outlook. I used to take it out on customers with my attitude. I am 28 now, and I find that shit silly now. I find it repugnant and practically counterproductive and self sabotaging.
I was a NEET for a long time after I got clean from opioids, I just couldn't find the motivation to get back into the world. I finally got a job after feeling drive for the first time in a long time. I wanted to be better and helpful and attractive and valuable to someone, and I thought getting a job was a necessary step in that. I no longer feel that way. I did it. I overcame a ton of anxiety and fear and I got a job at a grocery store, but it's not a regular grocery store, it's run differently, and it's a much more difficult job. I wish I could explain how much more difficult it is so you could internalize it properly but we don't have the fucking time, do we? So take my word, this shit is the hardest job I've ever worked in my life times 100. I've worked in several grocery stores, I've worked at mcdonalds, ive worked at a literal farm doing manual labor in the sun - this job is killing me. And why don't I get a new one? Because they pay as close to a living wage as I could possibly hope to get as someone with no "skills" and who has a few misdemeanor criminal charges from when I was 18 and 19, almost a decade ago.
The way I have no options. The way I feel so trapped. If I work 50 hours a week and this is my life forever, I will never be able to afford anything and I'm making 5$ over federal minimum wage. I will never have an expendable income. I will never travel. I will never be able to support a child or family. I will never be able to be independent of a man or have security. Which makes me want to fucking blow my skull off with a shot gun to think about. I will never be able to seek proper mental health care or treatment for my hormonal issues which require seeing specialists.
I have lost 15 pounds in the last 2 months from the stress. I feel so rigid, like I want to scream. I hear my coworkers talk about being in school and it makes me want to cry. It makes me feel so much regret, it makes me feel so bitter. I grew up with intelligence being a large part of my ego alignment and self concept - it was just what I was told and what got me attention and validation. And for some reason... I managed to block out how I am not that. I'm not the smart girl in high school who thinks it's cool to put in no effort. I'm some random rude aging bitch who has fried her brain with a decade of hard drug use and works at a grocery store and has nothing to offer, has no hope, and no potential.
It's like... the utter lack of respect and common decency people feel towards nonskilled labor workers is palpable. I was thinking about how I was getting paid to do someone else's grocery shopping for them - while on a timer and feeling incredibly stressed because of it - and I realized I'm just a tool for another person. A real person who is important and has better things to do, a person that has a real passion and drive. A person that didn't squander their potential and trap them self.
I realize now that I was wrong. I can't handle this now. I can't make this better with a little more maturity and a better outlook. I will slave away doing something I'm not passionate about and provides no satisfaction or pride, being disrespected, and barely surviving. And in the case of this job, I truly think my body would give out if I had to work this for more than a few years, none the less the rest of my natural life. This shit really is fucking rough out here even when you try your best. To have no hope.
I want to kill myself soon. I'm still going to work because I'm so terrified I won't be able to do it or something will go wrong. My SN is estimated to get here between 10/16-10/26. I'm incredibly scared to die. I feel a lot of fear and I know I will die alone and scared. I will. But I have had shittier nights and it will be worth it.
I was a NEET for a long time after I got clean from opioids, I just couldn't find the motivation to get back into the world. I finally got a job after feeling drive for the first time in a long time. I wanted to be better and helpful and attractive and valuable to someone, and I thought getting a job was a necessary step in that. I no longer feel that way. I did it. I overcame a ton of anxiety and fear and I got a job at a grocery store, but it's not a regular grocery store, it's run differently, and it's a much more difficult job. I wish I could explain how much more difficult it is so you could internalize it properly but we don't have the fucking time, do we? So take my word, this shit is the hardest job I've ever worked in my life times 100. I've worked in several grocery stores, I've worked at mcdonalds, ive worked at a literal farm doing manual labor in the sun - this job is killing me. And why don't I get a new one? Because they pay as close to a living wage as I could possibly hope to get as someone with no "skills" and who has a few misdemeanor criminal charges from when I was 18 and 19, almost a decade ago.
The way I have no options. The way I feel so trapped. If I work 50 hours a week and this is my life forever, I will never be able to afford anything and I'm making 5$ over federal minimum wage. I will never have an expendable income. I will never travel. I will never be able to support a child or family. I will never be able to be independent of a man or have security. Which makes me want to fucking blow my skull off with a shot gun to think about. I will never be able to seek proper mental health care or treatment for my hormonal issues which require seeing specialists.
I have lost 15 pounds in the last 2 months from the stress. I feel so rigid, like I want to scream. I hear my coworkers talk about being in school and it makes me want to cry. It makes me feel so much regret, it makes me feel so bitter. I grew up with intelligence being a large part of my ego alignment and self concept - it was just what I was told and what got me attention and validation. And for some reason... I managed to block out how I am not that. I'm not the smart girl in high school who thinks it's cool to put in no effort. I'm some random rude aging bitch who has fried her brain with a decade of hard drug use and works at a grocery store and has nothing to offer, has no hope, and no potential.
It's like... the utter lack of respect and common decency people feel towards nonskilled labor workers is palpable. I was thinking about how I was getting paid to do someone else's grocery shopping for them - while on a timer and feeling incredibly stressed because of it - and I realized I'm just a tool for another person. A real person who is important and has better things to do, a person that has a real passion and drive. A person that didn't squander their potential and trap them self.
I realize now that I was wrong. I can't handle this now. I can't make this better with a little more maturity and a better outlook. I will slave away doing something I'm not passionate about and provides no satisfaction or pride, being disrespected, and barely surviving. And in the case of this job, I truly think my body would give out if I had to work this for more than a few years, none the less the rest of my natural life. This shit really is fucking rough out here even when you try your best. To have no hope.
I want to kill myself soon. I'm still going to work because I'm so terrified I won't be able to do it or something will go wrong. My SN is estimated to get here between 10/16-10/26. I'm incredibly scared to die. I feel a lot of fear and I know I will die alone and scared. I will. But I have had shittier nights and it will be worth it.
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