Venting Being afraid of people has ruined my life

[freethemindperson]

When I was in highschool I tried to kill myself because I was tired of being around people. I hated being surrounded by my "family". I hated leaving home to go to school and being surrounded by my classmates. I hated going to work to try and minimize interactions with my coworkers by avoiding them.

After my attempt failed my life derailed and I was kicked out. I have been completely independent since then. It's been 9 months since and my fear has only grown. I've continued isolating myself, only leaving my apartment to go to work. I'm barely living paycheck to paycheck, I'm in lots of debt, I almost got evicted, I don't have a car, I dont have a license, I have no support, I have no ties to reality, no real goals or purpose. I fear I have diabetes, I have two place I have to pay rent for because no one will sublet my previous residence. I feel like I'm being watched and listened to every moment I'm supposed to be in the comfort of my home. This intense paranoia is what got me here in the first place. I always feel behind others my age who are students in college receiving support from their parents, who have relationships with their siblings and have friends and social skills, and have the tools to cope with their issues. I want to break apart but I can't. If I give up there is no where to run to for help. If I give up the only option is to attempt again but succeed this time.

 

[Crow_88]

I hear it. I really do. It all narrows to a point.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

If your own family drove you to attempt suicide and treated you that way afterwards, it is little wonder that you have these sorts of interpersonal issues.

I know it doesn't feel like much to be proud of n the midst of all the struggle, but it really b is to your credit to have been able to survive on your own. I know that's not ideal and the way it should be and little comfort as such but still.

It's tough to avoid comparison but the path life has made you walk doesn't really stand up to comparison with conventional people. Besides, isn't independence the goal for most people? (Not that your particular circumstances with zero support are anywhere near desirable).

What makes you feel that you're being watched? Do you have any diagnosed history in terms of paranoid thinking?

 

[freethemindperson]

I hear it. I really do. It all narrows to a point.

Thank you for hearing me

If your own family drove you to attempt suicide and treated you that way afterwards, it is little wonder that you have these sorts of interpersonal issues.

I know it doesn't feel like much to be proud of n the midst of all the struggle, but it really b is to your credit to have been able to survive on your own. I know that's not ideal and the way it should be and little comfort as such but still.

It's tough to avoid comparison but the path life has made you walk doesn't really stand up to comparison with conventional people. Besides, isn't independence the goal for most people? (Not that your particular circumstances with zero support are anywhere near desirable).

What makes you feel that you're being watched? Do you have any diagnosed history in terms of paranoid thinking?

I do have moments of pride over how far I've come on my own, although it isn't frequent.Thank you.

I've felt like this since middle school. I was diagnosed with social anxiety but I was never formally tested for it. That's what I thought it was until I became suicidal. Now it feels like something incurable. I was formally diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD after attempting although I don't know much about either disorder in relation to my own life. I've researched the mental disorders I suspect it is, but I don't know if I can pinpoint it.

 

[steppenwolf]

I started out like you and I've lived alone for 27 years now, 20 of them unemployed. The idea of support or therapy is completely laughable to me; my only visitor is an old friend who comes round once a year and takes me on a cocaine binge I don't really want to go on. The first two or three years were the worst. But isolating myself was the best decision I ever made by far and away, and for many years I haven't been able to look back and imagine things could have been any different if I wanted to. Cut yourself loose from everyone, it's better than letting them drive you over the edge. I guarantee you won't regret it.

 

[IDCAAEBM]

I started out like you and I've lived alone for 27 years now, 20 of them unemployed. The idea of support or therapy is completely laughable to me; my only visitor is an old friend who comes round once a year and takes me on a cocaine binge I don't really want to go on. The first two or three years were the worst. But isolating myself was the best decision I ever made by far and away, and for many years I haven't been able to look back and imagine things could have been any different if I wanted to. Cut yourself loose from everyone, it's better than letting them drive you over the edge. I guarantee you won't regret it.

I just celebrated my 20th year of being a subservient slave to the beast of capitalism, I did so by quitting my job, for the umpteenth time. I've also cut myself off from everyone I know, everywhere I've gone. If I can't work, I can't get food. If I can't eat food, I might as well ctb. There is no simple answer for antisocial people. We just aren't going to get along.

 

[freethemindperson]

I started out like you and I've lived alone for 27 years now, 20 of them unemployed. The idea of support or therapy is completely laughable to me; my only visitor is an old friend who comes round once a year and takes me on a cocaine binge I don't really want to go on. The first two or three years were the worst. But isolating myself was the best decision I ever made by far and away, and for many years I haven't been able to look back and imagine things could have been any different if I wanted to. Cut yourself loose from everyone, it's better than letting them drive you over the edge. I guarantee you won't regret it.

It wasn't hard to cut every person in my life out because the only people I had were my toxic family. Isolation is already familiar to me for that reason, doesn't make it easier though. The only person I truly miss is my grandma.

What makes you continue going on these cocaine binges?

I just celebrated my 20th year of being a subservient slave to the beast of capitalism, I did so by quitting my job, for the umpteenth time. I've also cut myself off from everyone I know, everywhere I've gone. If I can't work, I can't get food. If I can't eat food, I might as well ctb. There is no simple answer for antisocial people. We just aren't going to get along.

It's hard to reckon with the fact that people are so difficult and self-serving and yet we are social creatures who must get along for our survival. Decide to go to college? You must network or you won't find a good job. Decide to get a job? You must be agreeable and sociable or else people will think you're a standoffish prick. If you don't meet their unwritten codes you will suffer one way or the other.

 

[genie]

Have you been tested for autism? At the very least you're an introvert. I am too. AI will probably make it easier for us as we can be alone but still have someone to talk to (even though they're not human). I've never been a people person but have learnt to mask it.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Is it possible to just stop paying on the sublet? What is the worse they can do to you that wouldn't be the least of your problems?