Venting Being good and being bad at the same time

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Without even noticing sometimes you need people around, and whenever that happens to me i realize it by the slightest touch or word only to not have it fulfilled afterwards. It's as if whenever I'm in need nothing is ever there. My best friend, she's been going through something lately and said she needed to be alone for a while to clear her head. I've been having suicidal thoughts. I don't blame her for wanting time alone and I'm glad that she's comfortable asking such things of me, that she trusts me. And i want her to be okay because i love her so much, i wouldn't want to upset her. But without her I'm almost completely alone, the place I'm at right now is that i can't die because she would get sadder but i can't reach out because she would get sadder. Whenever I'm upset stuff like this always happens. Whenever i was hurt my parents were too, whenever i was sad my parents were too, whenever i was ill my mother was too. This situation, it's different and I'm aware of it. This really isn't about that friend but more so about the people around me in general. It seems as if whenever I'm going through something people are going through stuff too, sometimes even worse stuff. So i keep shut to not hurt them, but it hurts me too. Getting slapped when i was shaking, crying, bleeding out and reaching out for a hug after an attempt at the age of 12 made me sad, only hearing "you made your mom sad so don't ever do it again or you'll be an idiot" from my dad after it and nothing else made me sad, hearing him cuss at my scars for months only to suddenly switch up one day and say that he's proud of me for having the balls to cut myself made me confused, never hearing an apology made me feel unseen, never being able to talk about my own needs properly made me sad. I have nothing against my friend and i don't blame her in the slightest, i know she won't blame herself as well, at least she shouldn't. But i think i really might commit sometime soon, i don't even feel like adding depth and weight to my words anymore. I have been through bad stuff, that's obvious. But i don't want pity and i don't want to have my words justified this once. I'm tired of having to yell out "I'm hurt, here's why:". Doesn't the fact that i feel this way show you what's happening already? I cut myself, i tried to kill myself, i cried every night, i got in fights everyday, i got so mad that I'd hold my breath and faint but none of that was alarming for any adults because i was smart, could hold a conversation and had good grades. Why are you, as an adult, being intimidated by a little kid because she is valuable amongst other adults, active and talks back? Wasn't the fact that i cried my eyes out every time i got angry enough to show you that i was fragile, that i just didn't know what to do and how to act? Weren't the bandaids covering my arms alarming? How much i acted out and how i could never speak up until i cried, wasn't that weird? Then i shut up, i behaved. I've been so good. I don't cry, i don't act out, i don't get in fights and I'm peaceful. They think i have a great head on my shoulders but was that ever the case? Well off academically, high goals, 3 languages. Thoughtful, smart, pretty, cheerful, cute, unique, what else could you need right? But nothing changed, I'm not loved like this either and the worst part is that i can't even go back. I behaved so well and I've been doing it for so long that I'm no longer allowed to be sad or act out, I'm treated like any other person now. But i still feel the same at times deep inside, all that has changed is my appearance and my behavior. What else do i need to do? Do they want me to cut myself again, for me to try to die again? Do i need to cry, hit, scream, laugh and faint again? Do i need to be amusing like how i was back then? If i scream would i be heard, if i cried would i be hugged? Not like it ever happened but at least back then i was free, now I'm just your ordinary girl with a few loose screws but she's just accepted like that so let's bypass that right? I'm just so tired of never getting to hold a relationship for more than a year because of my own fears, I'm so tired of ruining everything for myself simply because I'm not loved in the way that i want, I'm so tired of not having anyone who would love me like how i would love them and I'm just so tired in general. I'm not like this usually, i really do have a rather positive outlook and less shallow thoughts. I'm a good talker, reader and leader. I'm usually not this negative either, i know that most likely in a few days or once my social situation settles down a little I'll look back at this and think that i was being too dramatic and i won't be able to relate to my own thoughts. I'm alright until I'm not, it's like my whole life has been a cycle of something happening in my social life that upsets me, me getting super depressed then being super fine again afterwards. But even the slightest bit of thing can be a problem for me, even being left alone for a moment or a small bit of jealousy can make me go back to this way of thinking. It's like a switch flips in me and no amount of thinking helps, like my mind isn't mine but it's for other people to control as they wish. My social life is my biggest problem and it has been all my life. I want people all the time but at the same time i get bothered so easily that suddenly i switch up and don't want them around in the slightest. I get completely obsessed with people only to completely despise them later and do this over and over again. I cry then i laugh, i break and i fix all the time and everyday. I'm fine for a few days then not fine for another few days, even the slightest bit of thing can turn me into the most shallow and dumbest person out there. I think i have some kind of a mood disorder or something like that, i don't think it's normal that my life is this dependent on people and that my mood fluctuates this much all the time. I've been looking to get a psychologist and hopefully I'll find one who will work well with me. I'm just so tired