ambivalent_thespian
Member
- Oct 5, 2023
- 22
I've been away from home for the last 4 months or so since I go to college in a different city. Within 2 weeks of being there, my suicidal feelings subsided and, while I was still depressed and traumatized, I felt like I had the ability to keep moving forward with my life. My grades went from Ds and Fs to As and Bs. I got a job and I was super excited to move into adulthood.
After a series of unfortunate events, my mom decided that, despite me being an adult who no longer lives at home, she apparently had the fucking right to take away my car. And since I deliver food for a living, this is also cutting off my income source.
I had an emergency over the weekend and they found out despite my best efforts to prevent that from happening. They're now all over my ass about how they would have been there for me and they don't understand why I don't trust them. Because they're always in my corner and care about my safety.
Right right, so I'm supposed to trust the man who would verbally abuse me to the point of tears every morning before I went to school. I'm supposed to feel safe with the woman who told me that crying is only something you should do when someone is dead. Yeah maybe they would have helped, but not for free. A lecture or an itemized bill most certainly would have followed. And now! They're trying to fucking guilt trip me about why I don't talk to them anymore. It's so hard for them. Well it was hard for me when you said I was never going to make anything of myself and how I was a disappointment. But I'm supposed to forget about all that because you had good intentions. You were just angry and said that in the heat of the moment. One slip up is one thing. But hundreds of slip ups over 19 years? I don't fucking care what excuses you have at that point.
Did you ever, even once, consider how I may have felt? How your actions have affected me. My dad talks all the time abt how my grandpa messed him up, yet he continues to do the exact same thing, and would absolutely still defend his dad if anything ill was ever brought up. I don't fucking care how you feel when you're too ignorant to realize the logical consequences of your actions.
My dad said he wants me to stop working because I already have enough financial support. I shouldn't have to worry about anything besides school. Because school was all I was ever good for in their eyes. I did so much and it never fucking mattered as much as school did. It probably never mattered at all. I couldn't matter as a person if I wasn't extraordinary as a student.
Well I don't want to rely on that financial support because for every day that I require that support is a day where I have to feel like shit for committing the crime of existing. They must realize at this point that keeping me dependent on them is the only thing that keeps me around. I barely know how to do anything in my adult life because I wasn't taught or wasn't given the opportunity to learn.
The hypocrisy is probably what hurts the most. They made me keep my location on because they care about me, but you didn't care enough when I actually needed support when my world was collapsing in on itself. Instead, you treated my trauma response as a moral failing, Possessiveness without love isn't protecting someone, it's keeping them trapped. Your feelings are not my responsibility. I will not continue to turn down opportunities because they worry you. If you wanna be that way, be that way. It's my life and I have the right to live it as I choose.
And then whenever I do tell them something, they always think the worst of me. I was at fault in the story, I made a wrong decision, I'm keeping something etc. It's offensive. It really is. You think those things are true about me and that's hurtful.
So now I am trapped without much of a way out because they can technically report if I go off without their permission. But I hope that, this time next year, when I choose not to come back for the holidays, or only stay long enough for the party. I hope they remember that the last time I cared enough to visit is when they took the first available opportunity to place me back under their thumb. Because I'm still incapable of making my own decisions.
They want to have their cake and eat it too. They want to have parental leverage over me and have a healthy relationship between two adults. You can't have both. Besides, I would never allow my friends to speak to me the way you do.
So yeah, I hope I don't relapse this week, I was so proud to get out of that headspace and now I worry about slipping back.
Sorry if this was hard to follow. I needed to get this out and there's just too much to rant about at this point.
After a series of unfortunate events, my mom decided that, despite me being an adult who no longer lives at home, she apparently had the fucking right to take away my car. And since I deliver food for a living, this is also cutting off my income source.
I had an emergency over the weekend and they found out despite my best efforts to prevent that from happening. They're now all over my ass about how they would have been there for me and they don't understand why I don't trust them. Because they're always in my corner and care about my safety.
Right right, so I'm supposed to trust the man who would verbally abuse me to the point of tears every morning before I went to school. I'm supposed to feel safe with the woman who told me that crying is only something you should do when someone is dead. Yeah maybe they would have helped, but not for free. A lecture or an itemized bill most certainly would have followed. And now! They're trying to fucking guilt trip me about why I don't talk to them anymore. It's so hard for them. Well it was hard for me when you said I was never going to make anything of myself and how I was a disappointment. But I'm supposed to forget about all that because you had good intentions. You were just angry and said that in the heat of the moment. One slip up is one thing. But hundreds of slip ups over 19 years? I don't fucking care what excuses you have at that point.
Did you ever, even once, consider how I may have felt? How your actions have affected me. My dad talks all the time abt how my grandpa messed him up, yet he continues to do the exact same thing, and would absolutely still defend his dad if anything ill was ever brought up. I don't fucking care how you feel when you're too ignorant to realize the logical consequences of your actions.
My dad said he wants me to stop working because I already have enough financial support. I shouldn't have to worry about anything besides school. Because school was all I was ever good for in their eyes. I did so much and it never fucking mattered as much as school did. It probably never mattered at all. I couldn't matter as a person if I wasn't extraordinary as a student.
Well I don't want to rely on that financial support because for every day that I require that support is a day where I have to feel like shit for committing the crime of existing. They must realize at this point that keeping me dependent on them is the only thing that keeps me around. I barely know how to do anything in my adult life because I wasn't taught or wasn't given the opportunity to learn.
The hypocrisy is probably what hurts the most. They made me keep my location on because they care about me, but you didn't care enough when I actually needed support when my world was collapsing in on itself. Instead, you treated my trauma response as a moral failing, Possessiveness without love isn't protecting someone, it's keeping them trapped. Your feelings are not my responsibility. I will not continue to turn down opportunities because they worry you. If you wanna be that way, be that way. It's my life and I have the right to live it as I choose.
And then whenever I do tell them something, they always think the worst of me. I was at fault in the story, I made a wrong decision, I'm keeping something etc. It's offensive. It really is. You think those things are true about me and that's hurtful.
So now I am trapped without much of a way out because they can technically report if I go off without their permission. But I hope that, this time next year, when I choose not to come back for the holidays, or only stay long enough for the party. I hope they remember that the last time I cared enough to visit is when they took the first available opportunity to place me back under their thumb. Because I'm still incapable of making my own decisions.
They want to have their cake and eat it too. They want to have parental leverage over me and have a healthy relationship between two adults. You can't have both. Besides, I would never allow my friends to speak to me the way you do.
So yeah, I hope I don't relapse this week, I was so proud to get out of that headspace and now I worry about slipping back.
Sorry if this was hard to follow. I needed to get this out and there's just too much to rant about at this point.
