Birthday/Suicide

[Meteora]

Hey
Tomorrow is my birthday and like every year, I m in great emotional distress.
On Monday and Tuesday, I was accurately planing my suicide, I was an emotional wreck crying my soul out. Yesterday, I felt some relief. Today, I m between manic feelingsand complete dispair.
I just realised that celebrating my birthday is so tough when I actually see absolutely no future. I m putting that mask on and try to be happy, but beneath it is tearing me apart.
I wonder if my ex-boyfriend will think of my birthday. I m ridiculous, I know. I terribly miss him and no words can describe what this loss means.

Today, some really nice things happened. I had to bring my laptop to repair service and the guy there gave me a loaner for free.

I went grocery shopping and when I got off the tram, the shopping bag broke and all my stuff was on the ground. About 5 people came to help me, a woman even gave me a new bag.

I can t take so much attention. I just want to cry and then die. I m worthless and my birthday brutally reminds of it. I don t deserve attention. I was born to be used and abused. That s the purpose of my life and I m not gonna fight against it any longer.

I invited four female friends for tomorrow and I just wished I didn t. I don t want to see anybody.

I have a horrible stomach ache since four days. The whole left side of my body is so overly tensed and cramped together that I don t want to live in this body any longer. It s nothing but a prison. I wake up with a headache, I go to bed with a headache, my back hurts, I know, sounds ridiculous but it is really tough and I don t think I m very whining in general, I actually can take a lot of pain.

I can still hope to get terminally ill or have a deadly accident. That would be God's mercy.

Thank you for reading.

 

[Meteora]

In two hours my friends come. My stomach is aching. When will this pain go away?
I m still not ready at all. Still in my pyjamas. Have to even finish a cake.
I hope it goes somewhat well.
I miss my ex. My only love.

 

[Meteora]

It s over. I made it. And I m relieved. It was a mistake to invite people. My whole birthday was kind of a torture when normally people say it should be fun. But it has never been different for me, so nothing new. I ll never learn apparently.

 

[poilala1]

Sorry that it's been that way. Hope you can recover.

 

[Meteora]

Thank you..... I m trying to... @poilala1

 

[J&L383]

Virtually all my birthdays are alone now. It does make it easier. I'm glad you made it past yours, another year . . .

 

[Meteora]

Virtually all my birthdays are alone now. It does make it easier. I'm glad you made it past yours, another year . . .

I know, it s horrible to be alone, too. That's actually the reason I invited some friends. I guess, both ways it is difficult.