Venting birthday

[nails]

i thought i was indifferent about my birthday; but now that's it's coming up very soon, i'm really annoyed about it. i'm dreading it more than anything. no matter what happens, i'm going to hate the results and feel miserable.
i have friends who have stopped talking to me, most likely because of my last attempt. i really don't want to hear them to act like they care about my existence for a day just because they feel obligated to. along with a birthday message, i'll probably get some bullshit explanation as to why they don't bother to talk to me anymore; i don't want to hear that, either. i've seen those so many times, i've definitely given them out a few times myself. it's always the same and it's always bs.
i hate being acknowledged only because someone feels obligated to acknowledge me. i used to fall for it, get my hopes up and feel loved up until they inevitably started ignoring me again once the obligation was over. i'm so tired of it. i'm sure it'll probably happen after i kill myself, and that fucking annoys me. absolute fucking randoms who have never cared about me, old friends who basically dropped me the moment i became too burdensome and annoying, suddenly acting like i matter just because i'm dead—even though they never would've given me the time of day while i was struggling? i don't get it at all, it's just pathetic. it's one of the main reasons why i'm not leaving a goodbye thread or writing any notes—there's just no point. no one cares about me and i don't matter that much to anyone, i just can't justify it. no one cares while i'm alive, and they still won't truly care once i'm dead; saying r.i.p just makes them feel better about themselves and requires no fucking effort. i got a little sidetracked, but that same exact concept also goes for birthday wishes.

aside from that, i'm also scared of the possibility that no one will wish me a happy birthday at all. i know these friendships are over, but i really don't want the confirmation. i feel a bit better living with the 0.001% chance that these people might still see me as a friend. i'm going to be dead soon, i'd rather just stay delusional about this and spare myself from even more suffering.

i'd rather not live to see any of these possibilities play out. dying before my birthday would be perfect, but it's coming up so fast and i just don't know.

 

[ylenol]

I wish I would worry about birthdays.

I think you have enough resources in here to kys and if you'd really want to die before your birthday, "it's coming up so fast" wouldn't be an issue.

 

[nails]

I wish I would worry about birthdays.

I think you have enough resources in here to kys and if you'd really want to die before your birthday, "it's coming up so fast" wouldn't be an issue.

can't tell if this is a troll or not. you don't seem like a troll, but idk many people on this site who are this ignorant. most suicidal people deal with the pain of being doubted and invalidated, i just can't imagine why any member of this site would be the one who invalidates and doubts others.

the problem was more rooted in my loneliness and the fact that i lost all of my friends / how i have no one, but sure, let's just make it sound trivial. i'm so stressed about cake day :( — even if it was that trivial, i'm also depressed about dead loved ones, my abysmal financial and living situation, trauma, and obviously, multiple mental issues that can't be fixed. i'll never be able to live the way i want and i'll never be normal because of mental/physical issues out of my control. i could go on, go more in depth; but i doubt it matters to you.
even if i was some rich, loved, healthy, beautiful person venting about something pointless, you'd still be a weirdo for invalidating it. like, you've had a harder life than someone else. cool, do you want a trophy?
i guess comparing your issues to other's makes you feel superior, though.

you can go through the worst shit a human could experience and still feel terrible about trivial things—who would've guessed.

anyway, i doubt you saw any of my other posts, which is fine, but i can't do most of the methods listed and i have talked about this constantly.
hanging isn't an option, i will most definitely be caught. sn isn't an option, i will most definitely be caught + more obvious reasons that is being discussed at length by others. i can't access a firearm because i've been hospitalized for attempting ctb + i don't have any money. i've even considered ctb by train, but none of the trains near me are fast enough. again, i could go on.

you could've commented this on a lot of posts. most of the people here talk about how they'd like to ctb asap or before a certain date. yes, there are many methods listed here that are mostly accessible; but if it was that easy and quick, there would be nearly no one on this site and there would be very few (active) accounts that are more than a year old.

edit: didn't mean to type that much

 

[deadbidaylight]

can't tell if this is a troll or not. you don't seem like a troll, but idk many people on this site who are this ignorant. most suicidal people deal with the pain of being doubted and invalidated, i just can't imagine why any member of this site would be the one who invalidates and doubts others.

the problem was more rooted in my loneliness and the fact that i lost all of my friends / how i have no one, but sure, let's just make it sound trivial. i'm so stressed about cake day :( — even if it was that trivial, i'm also depressed about dead loved ones, my abysmal financial and living situation, trauma, and obviously, multiple mental issues that can't be fixed. i'll never be able to live the way i want and i'll never be normal because of mental/physical issues out of my control. i could go on, go more in depth; but i doubt it matters to you.
even if i was some rich, loved, healthy, beautiful person venting about something pointless, you'd still be a weirdo for invalidating it. like, you've had a harder life than someone else. cool, do you want a trophy?
i guess comparing your issues to other's makes you feel superior, though.

you can go through the worst shit a human could experience and still feel terrible about trivial things—who would've guessed.

anyway, i doubt you saw any of my other posts, which is fine, but i can't do most of the methods listed and i have talked about this constantly.
hanging isn't an option, i will most definitely be caught. sn isn't an option, i will most definitely be caught + more obvious reasons that is being discussed at length by others. i can't access a firearm because i've been hospitalized for attempting ctb + i don't have any money. i've even considered ctb by train, but none of the trains near me are fast enough. again, i could go on.

you could've commented this on a lot of posts. most of the people here talk about how they'd like to ctb asap or before a certain date. yes, there are many methods listed here that are mostly accessible; but if it was that easy and quick, there would be nearly no one on this site and there would be very few (active) accounts that are more than a year old.

edit: didn't mean to type that much

I agree with you. That post is ignorant asf and in no way helpful or supportive. Even if they aren't a troll, ignore it as best you can. Unfortunately we can't fix the problems for you (I wish I could), but we can at least offer you validation in your feelings and support. How your feeling is real, and I think all to real to a lot of us on here.

When we're contemplating suicide, the thought of a birthday is just a reminder of our own mortality, and another trip around the sun whilst greatly suffering all the while. It's not a nice thing to be reminded of, and so many of us on here hate our birthdays. It's a celebration for happy people, and a reminder for tortured people. It's really hard.

I hate when you are at your lowest and most vulnerable that people who are supposed to care for you leave. It's when you need them the most. I see this happening all too often on here and it breaks my heart. You don't deserve that treatment and I'm genuinely sorry you were abandoned at your lowest.

My wish for you is that you have a genuinely happy birthday. You deserve it. You're deserving of all good things. Being tormented doesn't make you less worthy than anyone else. I hope these friends come through for you.

To the poster above, clearly you've never attempted suicide or even fully thought it through if you think that's how it works. SI is a real thing, and even if you have all the "resources" at your fingertips, it doesn't mean it's as easy as just acting on it. If it were, there wouldn't be so much suffering on this forum. Read the room, and take a look around here. And while you're at it, maybe learn some empathy because you're clearly lacking in that department and an attitude like that won't get you very far here.

 

[lucyanne]

I wish I would worry about birthdays.

I think you have enough resources in here to kys and if you'd really want to die before your birthday, "it's coming up so fast" wouldn't be an issue.

What is your purpose in this response?

i thought i was indifferent about my birthday; but now that's it's coming up very soon, i'm really annoyed about it. i'm dreading it more than anything. no matter what happens, i'm going to hate the results and feel miserable.
i have friends who have stopped talking to me, most likely because of my last attempt. i really don't want to hear them to act like they care about my existence for a day just because they feel obligated to. along with a birthday message, i'll probably get some bullshit explanation as to why they don't bother to talk to me anymore; i don't want to hear that, either. i've seen those so many times, i've definitely given them out a few times myself. it's always the same and it's always bs.
i hate being acknowledged only because someone feels obligated to acknowledge me. i used to fall for it, get my hopes up and feel loved up until they inevitably started ignoring me again once the obligation was over. i'm so tired of it. i'm sure it'll probably happen after i kill myself, and that fucking annoys me. absolute fucking randoms who have never cared about me, old friends who basically dropped me the moment i became too burdensome and annoying, suddenly acting like i matter just because i'm dead—even though they never would've given me the time of day while i was struggling? i don't get it at all, it's just pathetic. it's one of the main reasons why i'm not leaving a goodbye thread or writing any notes—there's just no point. no one cares about me and i don't matter that much to anyone, i just can't justify it. no one cares while i'm alive, and they still won't truly care once i'm dead; saying r.i.p just makes them feel better about themselves and requires no fucking effort. i got a little sidetracked, but that same exact concept also goes for birthday wishes.

aside from that, i'm also scared of the possibility that no one will wish me a happy birthday at all. i know these friendships are over, but i really don't want the confirmation. i feel a bit better living with the 0.001% chance that these people might still see me as a friend. i'm going to be dead soon, i'd rather just stay delusional about this and spare myself from even more suffering.

i'd rather not live to see any of these possibilities play out. dying before my birthday would be perfect, but it's coming up so fast and i just don't know.

I am sorry for the poor response you have received.
Birthdays are difficult for me as I suffered sexual trauma days before my 15th birthday and made my first attempt on my 15th birthday.

I do not celebrate my birthday, though I do pretend to for the benefit of my wife.

I agree with you. That post is ignorant asf and in no way helpful or supportive. Even if they aren't a troll, ignore it as best you can. Unfortunately we can't fix the problems for you (I wish I could), but we can at least offer you validation in your feelings and support. How your feeling is real, and I think all to real to a lot of us on here.

When we're contemplating suicide, the thought of a birthday is just a reminder of our own mortality, and another trip around the sun whilst greatly suffering all the while. It's not a nice thing to be reminded of, and so many of us on here hate our birthdays. It's a celebration for happy people, and a reminder for tortured people. It's really hard.

I hate when you are at your lowest and most vulnerable that people who are supposed to care for you leave. It's when you need them the most. I see this happening all too often on here and it breaks my heart. You don't deserve that treatment and I'm genuinely sorry you were abandoned at your lowest.

My wish for you is that you have a genuinely happy birthday. You deserve it. You're deserving of all good things. Being tormented doesn't make you less worthy than anyone else. I hope these friends come through for you.

To the poster above, clearly you've never attempted suicide or even fully thought it through if you think that's how it works. SI is a real thing, and even if you have all the "resources" at your fingertips, it doesn't mean it's as easy as just acting on it. If it were, there wouldn't be so much suffering on this forum. Read the room, and take a look around here. And while you're at it, maybe learn some empathy because you're clearly lacking in that department and an attitude like that won't get you very far here.

Thank you sm for your patience and eloquence.
I wanted to say that myself but I in no way have the resources for that currently.

 

[floop]

Trust me I had no problem understanding the post was about you losing your friends, the reasons one might not want to be your friend are apparent.

Again possibilities to ctb are endless and you not having money or ''there is no train fast enough around me lol mission aborted !!!'' are not real obstacles, just say you're a coward and move on.
If not, less talking, more acting.

wow… resorting to insulting and putting another member down on this site is fucking wild to me, aren't we all here because we want to be amongst other like minded people you can't find anywhere else? your ignorance is genuinely painful, and the way you want to call OP a coward for not rushing or coming up with other ways to ctb is for absolutely gross. it reads like you're pushing/encouraging OP to ctb which is absolutely awful. i genuinely hope you're able to find some other way to channel your pain and trauma that doesn't involve putting people down and hurting others on a suicide forum.

 

[lucyanne]

Trust me I had no problem understanding the post was about you losing your friends, the reasons one might not want to be your friend are apparent.

Again possibilities to ctb are endless and you not having money or ''there is no train fast enough around me lol mission aborted !!!'' are not real obstacles, just say you're a coward and move on.
If not, less talking, more acting.

Wow you truly are not just a twat but the twat.
What are you a journo undercover trying to build a case of people being pushed and forced into suicide?

 

[nails]

Again possibilities to ctb are endless and you not having money or ''there is no train fast enough around me lol mission aborted !!!'' are not real obstacles, just say you're a coward and move on.
If not, less talking, more acting.

lil bro got the suicide cheat code aint no way

 

[HighFlight]

I'm so sorry to hear how much pain you're carrying, @nails , especially with your birthday approaching and stirring up these heavy feelings. It sounds incredibly isolating to feel like you're caught between dreading insincere gestures and fearing no acknowledgment at all. Those conflicting emotions make total sense—wanting connection but feeling like it might come with strings or not at all is exhausting. Your frustration about people only showing up when it's convenient for them, like birthdays or worse, after someone's gone, is so valid. It's unfair and hurts deeply when care feels performative.

I also hear how much courage it took to share this, knowing how raw and complex these thoughts are. You mentioned feeling like no one truly cares, and I want you to know that even in this space, your words matter. You're not alone in feeling this way, and just by expressing this, you're reaching out in a real way. It's okay to want that tiny bit of hope about your friendships, even if it's hard to hold onto. You don't have to justify your pain or your existence to anyone—your feelings are enough.

Please let me know if you have any other trolls disrupt your thread.

 

[RadiantNumber]

Birthday is the day when others are notice you even if they gave a damn about You whole year

 

[nails]

i wanted to reply to each comment individually, but i don't want to spam—even if it's under my own post. thank you for the caring and understanding responses. seeing these things means a lot to me. i'll be wishing everyone the best, thank you again! :)

@deadbidaylight , @lucyanne , @floop , @HighFlight , @RadiantNumber

 

[deadbidaylight]

i wanted to reply to each comment individually, but i don't want to spam—even if it's under my own post. thank you for the caring and understanding responses. seeing these things means a lot to me. i'll be wishing everyone the best, thank you again! :)

@deadbidaylight , @lucyanne , @floop , @HighFlight , @RadiantNumber

We genuinely care, and that's why we're here for you. I'm sorry your post was hit with a troll. That doesn't help your mental situation, and it hurt me to read those comments after you shared such a raw and emotional part of yourself. I really hope that you didn't take that to heart.

 

[lucyanne]

i wanted to reply to each comment individually, but i don't want to spam—even if it's under my own post. thank you for the caring and understanding responses. seeing these things means a lot to me. i'll be wishing everyone the best, thank you again! :)

@deadbidaylight , @lucyanne , @floop , @HighFlight , @RadiantNumber

Caring and compassion here are commodities to be valued (to coin a capitalist term).
I hope you only find compassion and understanding here and whatever is left of your journey.

I know it's easy to say, hard to do, but if you can ignore the negative voices and try to remember people who do lash out often do so because their world view is often askew and it's easier to project that reflect.

 

[Linda]

i thought i was indifferent about my birthday; but now that's it's coming up very soon, i'm really annoyed about it. i'm dreading it more than anything. no matter what happens, i'm going to hate the results and feel miserable.
i have friends who have stopped talking to me, most likely because of my last attempt. i really don't want to hear them to act like they care about my existence for a day just because they feel obligated to. along with a birthday message, i'll probably get some bullshit explanation as to why they don't bother to talk to me anymore; i don't want to hear that, either. i've seen those so many times, i've definitely given them out a few times myself. it's always the same and it's always bs.
i hate being acknowledged only because someone feels obligated to acknowledge me. i used to fall for it, get my hopes up and feel loved up until they inevitably started ignoring me again once the obligation was over. i'm so tired of it. i'm sure it'll probably happen after i kill myself, and that fucking annoys me. absolute fucking randoms who have never cared about me, old friends who basically dropped me the moment i became too burdensome and annoying, suddenly acting like i matter just because i'm dead—even though they never would've given me the time of day while i was struggling? i don't get it at all, it's just pathetic. it's one of the main reasons why i'm not leaving a goodbye thread or writing any notes—there's just no point. no one cares about me and i don't matter that much to anyone, i just can't justify it. no one cares while i'm alive, and they still won't truly care once i'm dead; saying r.i.p just makes them feel better about themselves and requires no fucking effort. i got a little sidetracked, but that same exact concept also goes for birthday wishes.

aside from that, i'm also scared of the possibility that no one will wish me a happy birthday at all. i know these friendships are over, but i really don't want the confirmation. i feel a bit better living with the 0.001% chance that these people might still see me as a friend. i'm going to be dead soon, i'd rather just stay delusional about this and spare myself from even more suffering.

i'd rather not live to see any of these possibilities play out. dying before my birthday would be perfect, but it's coming up so fast and i just don't know.

It seems to me that anyone who goes to the trouble of sending you a birthday message must care about you at least to some extent. Perhaps not as much as you would like, but that's another matter. What are you doing for your friends? The best way to have good friends is to be a good friend yourself.

 

[nails]

It seems to me that anyone who goes to the trouble of sending you a birthday message must care about you at least to some extent. Perhaps not as much as you would like, but that's another matter. What are you doing for your friends? The best way to have good friends is to be a good friend yourself.

i sorta agree, there's no denying that there is some amount of care present; i just don't think it's enough to be acknowledged. if you don't talk to/outright ignore and avoid someone for the entire year, even if they reach out to you first; i doubt there's much genuine care there. wishing them a happy birthday doesn't really change much. i understand how others might disagree with that, though.
and i've agonized over the question of whether or not i was just a horrible friend. i still agonize over it and i've picked apart every interaction i've had with so many people. in nearly every single case, everything was fine, only got kinda weird when i started venting more regularly, and most of the friendships basically ended after my attempt. i've said it before, but i'm pretty certain that i just exhausted everyone. i tried my hardest to be there for everyone as often as possible and make them feel cared for, and they did the same for me until the end.
i appreciate your comment, you brought up valuable points and questions, thank you.