Lady Laudanum
Here for a bad time, not a long time
- May 9, 2024
- 812
To preface this whole rant, I've had an eating disorder for more than half my life and I'm in my early-mid 20s. I've gone through the entire spectrum of eating disorder presentations, and been through multiple rounds of treatment that helped with my physical health but did nothing to address my mental health. No treatment centres will take me now because I have a chronic and treatment-resistant ED, but I'm medically stable and actually at a normal weight at the moment. So I don't qualify for outpatient or inpatient treatment. Please do not tell me to give treatment another chance, to seek therapy, etc. in order to address the mental aspect of my ED, because I've exhausted all my options. The best I can realistically do now is just manage my physical symptoms so that I can still work, go to school, etc.
For me, body dysmorphia has always been more than just thinking I look heavier than I actually am. Thinking I'm fat when I'm actually thin and fit is a gross oversimplification of the fuckery that goes on in my brain. It ruins literally every fucking aspect of my life, and is part of the reason I tried to CTB last week.
Whenever I see other people who are close to my height and weight, I always feel like I look about twice their size, and I sometimes literally feel nauseous when I see myself. I know it doesn't make sense though. I'm average height, at the lower end of the healthy weight range, and have a lot of muscle from doing sports. Other people who are my size look thin but still healthy. So I can't be the only person in the world who is fat at this size, right? You see how illogically my body dysmorphia makes me think? And knowing it's illogical just makes me feel worse because I can't control it.
My body dysmorphia also makes me think that I don't deserve to ever wear anything nice just for the sake of it; the only time I can do it is when I have to dress up for work. There is a voice in my head that says "you're too fat and ugly to wear something like this so don't bother" whenever I go shopping for clothes. It gets so overwhelming that sometimes I literally go home and cry after buying nothing for myself, and I'm a full-fledged adult. It's fucking embarrassing.
I was sexually abused by my dad from when I was in preschool until I was in my early teens. I feel disgusting whenever I wear any feminine-looking items because a voice in my head tells me that I'm dirty from being molested. Same with whenever I wear anything that flatters my body shape. When I do that, a voice in my head tells me that I deserved to be molested because I have the audacity to show off my body even though it's disgusting. So I hide myself in baggy pants, bulky leather jackets, oversized shirts, etc. unless I'm working at my side jobs.
When I'm at certain jobs, I sometimes have no choice but to wear a skimpy outfit and high heels. The only reason I can do that without a mental breakdown is because it's for the sake of earning money. For me, being a workaholic has been a coping mechanism for years. And I've only been able to justify taking care of my health and my appearance by knowing that it's directly related to my income.
I can't shake the pervasive sense of worthlessness that causes my body dysmorphia. I know that the root cause is probably me thinking I deserved to be mistreated by my parents, and punishing myself for it. But at this point I genuinely feel like I'm beyond help in that respect. People in real life will never understand, but I hope that there are people here who will. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I just feel desperately lonely with my struggles.
For me, body dysmorphia has always been more than just thinking I look heavier than I actually am. Thinking I'm fat when I'm actually thin and fit is a gross oversimplification of the fuckery that goes on in my brain. It ruins literally every fucking aspect of my life, and is part of the reason I tried to CTB last week.
Whenever I see other people who are close to my height and weight, I always feel like I look about twice their size, and I sometimes literally feel nauseous when I see myself. I know it doesn't make sense though. I'm average height, at the lower end of the healthy weight range, and have a lot of muscle from doing sports. Other people who are my size look thin but still healthy. So I can't be the only person in the world who is fat at this size, right? You see how illogically my body dysmorphia makes me think? And knowing it's illogical just makes me feel worse because I can't control it.
My body dysmorphia also makes me think that I don't deserve to ever wear anything nice just for the sake of it; the only time I can do it is when I have to dress up for work. There is a voice in my head that says "you're too fat and ugly to wear something like this so don't bother" whenever I go shopping for clothes. It gets so overwhelming that sometimes I literally go home and cry after buying nothing for myself, and I'm a full-fledged adult. It's fucking embarrassing.
I was sexually abused by my dad from when I was in preschool until I was in my early teens. I feel disgusting whenever I wear any feminine-looking items because a voice in my head tells me that I'm dirty from being molested. Same with whenever I wear anything that flatters my body shape. When I do that, a voice in my head tells me that I deserved to be molested because I have the audacity to show off my body even though it's disgusting. So I hide myself in baggy pants, bulky leather jackets, oversized shirts, etc. unless I'm working at my side jobs.
When I'm at certain jobs, I sometimes have no choice but to wear a skimpy outfit and high heels. The only reason I can do that without a mental breakdown is because it's for the sake of earning money. For me, being a workaholic has been a coping mechanism for years. And I've only been able to justify taking care of my health and my appearance by knowing that it's directly related to my income.
I can't shake the pervasive sense of worthlessness that causes my body dysmorphia. I know that the root cause is probably me thinking I deserved to be mistreated by my parents, and punishing myself for it. But at this point I genuinely feel like I'm beyond help in that respect. People in real life will never understand, but I hope that there are people here who will. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I just feel desperately lonely with my struggles.