Break up, jobless, deadlines

[leaf2358]

I delayed a semester at college and I have a deadline in 2 months. I live in a country that isn't my home country and I need a reason to stay here. My parents are toxic and controlling, my house is cramped up and I don't have any privacy here. They stress me out alot. And they have no idea I have been dealing with alot of insecurities about how I look since a very young age. Maybe because of social media. I am hairy, bad skin, stretch marks, and whenever I talk to people in real life I feel so scared when they look at my face. It affects my personality alot. So I started socialising on discord to escape my fears. Made a bf there. we dated for an year. He was so much into me, it's beyond words. He exhibited signs of feeling anxious and fearful about losing me every now and then. We tried breaking up a couple of times but then reconciled soon after. He could just never pull the trigger. He was in love with me. I felt loved enough. One time next morning after break up he told me he woke up with anxiety and that I was the air he breaths. He promised me he would never break up with me. But when we met irl he did a full 180. I was shy and def not the same exact person he had met on the internet. But he had told me he would be accepting. I was looking for jobs when we used to be together. And got rejected many times too. But those failures didn't hurt remotely close to as bad as this one does. It's been a pretty long time I have been looking for jobs with no luck and I was really sad about it. I got an offer letter when we met irl. I noticed he did not love me anymore so I immediately initiated no contact. But atleast I had just gotten a job. After he left I started my orthodontics treatment with everything I had in my bank. I wanted to wrok on myself and finallly be the person I have always wanted to be. I wanted to be financially independent and move out of my house. And probably deep down, also wanted him to regret after my 1 year transformation or so. I built a whole future plan and made peace with him leaving. 3 Weeks no contact, on monday I reached him out cause I felt I had made peace with the break up. Right after that my company retracted the offer. I panicked. And I am still in shock. In shock about what is going on in my life. How could they retract an offer they made and how did they neatly chose to do that right after I contacted him. The transformation- my biggest cope after break up I was latching onto all this time is not there anymore. I feel pathetic. I can't bring myself to do anything. I really wanna quit. I can't stop crying. Nothing makes me happy. I really need a job. Right now. I feel so lost and alone. I can't make it through. I really need to kill myself. Idk how. Preferrably shoot myself in my chest, easy death. Idk where can I get a gun though. Please help you can help me get a gun, I live in Poland. No one can make me happy except him and he is not mine. I gave him my first kiss.