Venting Breaking up with my girlfriend before ctb

[prettyclam]

Kinda first post. Just a vent since I have nobody to open up to. Opinions or advice would be appreciated.

I've been suicidal since childhood, but have only recently decided to ctb. Although I'm still planning the details, I've got a method and timeframe ready. I'd be content with my decision if it weren't for the guilt of hurting my girlfriend.

Today on our date, I felt like sobbing when thinking about how my actions would effect her. She's the sweetest person in the world. Too sweet for a girl like me. She's aware of my struggles as well, but has never judged me for them. Her advice follows the same "we're too young to die we're 18" sentiment. To her, we have forever to find ourselves, but I've lost hope long ago. Everyone's in college or making good money. Meanwhile, I'm taking a gap year solely to build up the courage to kill myself. That says enough about who I am.

As much as I love her, I may end our relationship to spare her from any pain I'll cause. I don't want her thinking she didn't do enough to prevent this from happening. I don't want her missing me either. But at the same time, I don't want to break up because I love her duh. Idk what to do. Is it selfish of me to keep dating her when I know how it'll end?

 

[over2025]

It makes me sad when I read these posts about people at such a young age. Your life could look completely different a few years from now. I'm sure a 50-year-old is saying the same thing about me, so I understand. But I think the 18 is objectively too young of an age to take this drastic of a measure.

 

[butimbleeding]

It's hard to give advice because it's hard to comprehend your situation. When I was 18 I had suicidal thoughts, but then things got a lot better when I was 19… but then things got worse, better for a bit, worse again, now I'm in a pit of despair. But I've heard of many people who suffered early in life and went on to live amazing lives even as soon as their 20s. The moral is that you never know the rollercoaster life will take you on in these formative years.

It also sounds like you're in love. Ive never known how that feels but I think I would consider staying alive for that person if I were in such a loving relationship. Hell, I'm just staying alive for my parents right now and my relationship with them feels pretty empty other than living together.

Anyway, welcome to the forum, I like to vent here as well (clearly)

I guess I just wonder why you feel the need to CTB so urgently that you want to end your relationship? That you don't want to see your adulthood? I ask this purely out of curiosity- that is to say I completely respect your attitudes and your decisions. Hoping to learn more about you, wishing you the best.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

The problem with intimate relationships when you're suicidal is that it's a no-win situation: you'll deeply hurt them whatever decision you choose. Hence why I think it's better to avoid starting relationships when you're actively suicidal.

With that said, if you're already in a relationship, that calculus changes: I think you have to consider that if you breakup and then CTB, that doesn't necessarily lessen the impact on your girlfriend unless a significant amount of time has passed (we're talking multiple years) and she's already moved on and she is not in your social circle/has no way to contact you. In other words, you won't be sparing her anything because she'll have to go through the searing pain of a breakup on top of grief. Because if you guys genuinely love eachother, which it seems you do, then she'll continue thinking about you and worrying about you even after the breakup. Not knowing what's currently going on in your life and being totally powerless to affect you might even make things worse; at least right now she has the option of sitting with you in your suffering, of giving comfort, of talking things out.

 

[prettyclam]

It's hard to give advice because it's hard to comprehend your situation. When I was 18 I had suicidal thoughts, but then things got a lot better when I was 19… but then things got worse, better for a bit, worse again, now I'm in a pit of despair. But I've heard of many people who suffered early in life and went on to live amazing lives even as soon as their 20s. The moral is that you never know the rollercoaster life will take you on in these formative years.

It also sounds like you're in love. Ive never known how that feels but I think I would consider staying alive for that person if I were in such a loving relationship. Hell, I'm just staying alive for my parents right now and my relationship with them feels pretty empty other than living together.

Anyway, welcome to the forum, I like to vent here as well (clearly)

I guess I just wonder why you feel the need to CTB so urgently that you want to end your relationship? That you don't want to see your adulthood? I ask this purely out of curiosity- that is to say I completely respect your attitudes and your decisions. Hoping to learn more about you, wishing you the best.

Thank you for the welcome ^^
It's true that a lot can change in a matter of years. I never thought I'd get a girlfriend until it happened. Thankful to at least experience that. She really does keep me going. Without her, I'm kinda in the same boat as you. My relationship with my parents isn't the strongest

I guess my urgency to ctb is because of said relationship. Being the youngest in an abusive military family who wants you gone asap isn't for the weak lol. That pressure combined with a lack of passion or goals makes me not look forward to 19. Seeing all the other people my age thriving doesn't help. It's like "wth did I do wrong". Overall, I'm just too impatient and hopeless to see what happens next, which is why my ctb date is before my birthday!

It makes me sad when I read these posts about people at such a young age. Your life could look completely different a few years from now. I'm sure a 50-year-old is saying the same thing about me, so I understand. But I think the 18 is objectively too young of an age to take this drastic of a measure.

I do agree that I'm a bit young to be making this decision. It feels like I'm throwing my life away at the very start. However, I don't have the hope to push forward yknow

The problem with intimate relationships when you're suicidal is that it's a no-win situation: you'll deeply hurt them whatever decision you choose. Hence why I think it's better to avoid starting relationships when you're actively suicidal.

With that said, if you're already in a relationship, that calculus changes: I think you have to consider that if you breakup and then CTB, that doesn't necessarily lessen the impact on your girlfriend unless a significant amount of time has passed (we're talking multiple years) and she's already moved on and she is not in your social circle/has no way to contact you. In other words, you won't be sparing her anything because she'll have to go through the searing pain of a breakup on top of grief. Because if you guys genuinely love eachother, which it seems you do, then she'll continue thinking about you and worrying about you even after the breakup. Not knowing what's currently going on in your life and being totally powerless to affect you might even make things worse; at least right now she has the option of sitting with you in your suffering, of giving comfort, of talking things out.

Thank you for your words of wisdom...getting into a relationship while suicidal was indeed a reaaaallly stupid move on my part but at least theres somebody I can count on instead of nobody

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Thank you for your words of wisdom...getting into a relationship while suicidal was indeed a reaaaallly stupid move on my part but at least theres somebody I can count on instead of nobody

And at least if you CTB, she'll be able to tell herself that she loved you to the bitter end. It's not much of a consolation at the end of the day, but it's something. Anyway, wishing you all the best <3