notadaisy
already wilted
- Feb 7, 2023
- 95
ok I've had enough
and im already fuming up
i am drained as hell
are you familiar of that feeling where you are so depressed and it gets mixed with frustration/hatred/anger that u just start to hate the circumstances, the things that are happening currently or has happened to you? literally everything. and u get hot flashes, while having an episode? this happens to me.. a lot. sometimes randomly, sometimes a cause of a trigger. im the person that tends to bottle it all up and deal with everything by myself, the one who keeps quiet about their problems. i dont have anyone i can fully trust and rely on when i am going through things in my life. no one really knows all of my sides or the "real me", i suppress, i hide. i put on a mask, they think i got it all together. everyone judges. many people tend to go to me when they have problems to talk about or a need for help.. but when i need somebody, no one is there to show up. things are unfair. so i just dont chitchat about what im dealing wih because i know no one can fully understand. its just easier to not say anything. especially in real life, no one can just understand. so here i am venting in this site. i am thankful for the existence of this forum. it helps me, including a lot of people as well. sorry if this is too long, i am not feeling so good right now.
i wish i can just be on top of the mountains and be embraced by the peace of nature rather than being in an intoxicating urban city full of robots. i want peace and nature. i need it. im longing for it but i am stuck. i am currently thinking of myself jumping off a cliff. free like a bird free from all of this suffering. im just forced to be here and deal with all the responsibilities put up that just feel pointless. everything will just have its end. i wonder when is my end. i am not alright and im sick of pretending that i am or acting like one "normal person" just to be accepted by others or not thought of as a weird person. why does everyone here like to fake stuff and act like life is a broadway show. this is a cruel world full of suffering and fake smiles, where people just try to impress people they dont even like so that they can be accepted to the standards of society. where people use others for their benefit. a corrupted world with cons weighing more than pros. i hate the stigma against people like me, like us. suicide? i am tired. 8 years of just putting up with the bs of this planet and i still dont see the end of the tunnel to my struggles. i've just been going on and off and thought i am getting better but it just takes a few ticks and there it goes again. it feels like an illusion. a joke i tell myself that im doing okay and way better than before. but it stays, the void.. the darkness. it has never left. self awareness doesn't help that much either. too much awareness feels like a stab. i feel like i know too much and it adds up to my conditions. also i have depression and anxiety, a probable case of adhd & bpd as well (still needs further diagnosis for confirmation). this feels like a punishment. my life is a punishment. i wonder what i did to experience all these things in my life now.
i dont need any unsolicited advice and toxic positivity. i just want to voice myself out. i hope someone understands me. that's all. thanks for reading.
and im already fuming up
i am drained as hell
are you familiar of that feeling where you are so depressed and it gets mixed with frustration/hatred/anger that u just start to hate the circumstances, the things that are happening currently or has happened to you? literally everything. and u get hot flashes, while having an episode? this happens to me.. a lot. sometimes randomly, sometimes a cause of a trigger. im the person that tends to bottle it all up and deal with everything by myself, the one who keeps quiet about their problems. i dont have anyone i can fully trust and rely on when i am going through things in my life. no one really knows all of my sides or the "real me", i suppress, i hide. i put on a mask, they think i got it all together. everyone judges. many people tend to go to me when they have problems to talk about or a need for help.. but when i need somebody, no one is there to show up. things are unfair. so i just dont chitchat about what im dealing wih because i know no one can fully understand. its just easier to not say anything. especially in real life, no one can just understand. so here i am venting in this site. i am thankful for the existence of this forum. it helps me, including a lot of people as well. sorry if this is too long, i am not feeling so good right now.
i wish i can just be on top of the mountains and be embraced by the peace of nature rather than being in an intoxicating urban city full of robots. i want peace and nature. i need it. im longing for it but i am stuck. i am currently thinking of myself jumping off a cliff. free like a bird free from all of this suffering. im just forced to be here and deal with all the responsibilities put up that just feel pointless. everything will just have its end. i wonder when is my end. i am not alright and im sick of pretending that i am or acting like one "normal person" just to be accepted by others or not thought of as a weird person. why does everyone here like to fake stuff and act like life is a broadway show. this is a cruel world full of suffering and fake smiles, where people just try to impress people they dont even like so that they can be accepted to the standards of society. where people use others for their benefit. a corrupted world with cons weighing more than pros. i hate the stigma against people like me, like us. suicide? i am tired. 8 years of just putting up with the bs of this planet and i still dont see the end of the tunnel to my struggles. i've just been going on and off and thought i am getting better but it just takes a few ticks and there it goes again. it feels like an illusion. a joke i tell myself that im doing okay and way better than before. but it stays, the void.. the darkness. it has never left. self awareness doesn't help that much either. too much awareness feels like a stab. i feel like i know too much and it adds up to my conditions. also i have depression and anxiety, a probable case of adhd & bpd as well (still needs further diagnosis for confirmation). this feels like a punishment. my life is a punishment. i wonder what i did to experience all these things in my life now.
i dont need any unsolicited advice and toxic positivity. i just want to voice myself out. i hope someone understands me. that's all. thanks for reading.
