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New Member
- Jun 16, 2023
- 2
I really hate myself. Not my body, but really just the person within. Me.
I am unfortunately transgender. And it's probably the worst experience ever, which had also ruined my life. Or maybe all the stigma and hardships around it ruined my life. But basically, I didn't come out to anyone until being closeted made me so depressed and suicidal that I was sent from one clinic to another.
I didn't feel like I could live as a girl any longer and I didn't want to, so my only option for being alive was to out myself. It went great everywhere else but home (i came out to my parents in the presence of my psychiatrist, because I was terrified of telling them).
Almost a whole year later, my parents still act as if I had never told them anything (except for calling me weird and psycho when we fight, or claiming that I make things up in my head). They don't call me my preferred name, and it's almost as if they put more effort into calling me feminine terms in general (it's even more obvious when they are speaking russian, because you can "feminize" pretty much every word you can call a person by adding a syllable).
My little sister doesn't accept me either, she is the favorite child, and also makes an effort to call me feminine words. All of this has been very draining emotionally and mentally, because I don't feel home when I'm at home. I feel like an estranged alien that everyone is trying to avoid.
Anyway, I've been fighting with my parents the past few days, which also made me afraid to go downstairs, leading to me only eating one meal a day. Today, I ate breakfast, which made me very proud of myself for being this daring, so I decided to eat dinner too (I'm calling it dinner because I ate breakfast at 2pm, not eating enough has weakened my body, and I've been sleeping quite a lot).
When I was eating peacefully, my mom came into this kitchen, doing this whole confrontation thing, claiming she deserves for me to talk to her and apologize, and she would just not stop bugging me. It was really frustrating, especially because I haven't fucking eaten right in so long, and I really just wanted to eat my meal. The conversation escalated, because I told her I don't want to talk to her right now, and it doesn't matter if she wants me to, because I want a few things that no one does for me either.
She then got my dad from the living room and it escalated further, and suddenly both of my parents were just yelling at me, but it wasn't even about the fight anymore, my dad was basically just saying how much my whole existence bothers him. How, because of me, things havent been normal for a year.
That sentence hurt me a lot on multiple levels. Because it just clarified how little empathy they have for me, and that I am truly just a doll to them. Because things have never been normal for me. And I am just trying to become normal. I am just trying to become a man and live peacefully. I'm not touching anyone, i'm not getting into anyone else's business. I just want to be me and finally feel normal.
Then my dad also implied that they are going to kick me out anyway in a year. (sorry this post has been written this shitty, i just really dont want to translate a bilingual fight into english).
I just really don't know what to live for anyway. I don't have anyone and I can't transition. I have nothing, and my hopes and dreams can't keep me holding on for much more.
I have no one, and I am ruining my family. I just make everyone unhappy just by existing, because I can't be normal. I don't know what to do.
I wish I never came out to anyone, I wish I would have just succeeded in killing myself before. Now I'm still alive, and I don't know how to cope with being a disgrace to my family. There are lots of things that I love, but I can't help but feel that it doesn't matter if I'm this lonely.
Sorry again for this mediocre at best reading
experience, i'm really overwhelmed and tired.
I am unfortunately transgender. And it's probably the worst experience ever, which had also ruined my life. Or maybe all the stigma and hardships around it ruined my life. But basically, I didn't come out to anyone until being closeted made me so depressed and suicidal that I was sent from one clinic to another.
I didn't feel like I could live as a girl any longer and I didn't want to, so my only option for being alive was to out myself. It went great everywhere else but home (i came out to my parents in the presence of my psychiatrist, because I was terrified of telling them).
Almost a whole year later, my parents still act as if I had never told them anything (except for calling me weird and psycho when we fight, or claiming that I make things up in my head). They don't call me my preferred name, and it's almost as if they put more effort into calling me feminine terms in general (it's even more obvious when they are speaking russian, because you can "feminize" pretty much every word you can call a person by adding a syllable).
My little sister doesn't accept me either, she is the favorite child, and also makes an effort to call me feminine words. All of this has been very draining emotionally and mentally, because I don't feel home when I'm at home. I feel like an estranged alien that everyone is trying to avoid.
Anyway, I've been fighting with my parents the past few days, which also made me afraid to go downstairs, leading to me only eating one meal a day. Today, I ate breakfast, which made me very proud of myself for being this daring, so I decided to eat dinner too (I'm calling it dinner because I ate breakfast at 2pm, not eating enough has weakened my body, and I've been sleeping quite a lot).
When I was eating peacefully, my mom came into this kitchen, doing this whole confrontation thing, claiming she deserves for me to talk to her and apologize, and she would just not stop bugging me. It was really frustrating, especially because I haven't fucking eaten right in so long, and I really just wanted to eat my meal. The conversation escalated, because I told her I don't want to talk to her right now, and it doesn't matter if she wants me to, because I want a few things that no one does for me either.
She then got my dad from the living room and it escalated further, and suddenly both of my parents were just yelling at me, but it wasn't even about the fight anymore, my dad was basically just saying how much my whole existence bothers him. How, because of me, things havent been normal for a year.
That sentence hurt me a lot on multiple levels. Because it just clarified how little empathy they have for me, and that I am truly just a doll to them. Because things have never been normal for me. And I am just trying to become normal. I am just trying to become a man and live peacefully. I'm not touching anyone, i'm not getting into anyone else's business. I just want to be me and finally feel normal.
Then my dad also implied that they are going to kick me out anyway in a year. (sorry this post has been written this shitty, i just really dont want to translate a bilingual fight into english).
I just really don't know what to live for anyway. I don't have anyone and I can't transition. I have nothing, and my hopes and dreams can't keep me holding on for much more.
I have no one, and I am ruining my family. I just make everyone unhappy just by existing, because I can't be normal. I don't know what to do.
I wish I never came out to anyone, I wish I would have just succeeded in killing myself before. Now I'm still alive, and I don't know how to cope with being a disgrace to my family. There are lots of things that I love, but I can't help but feel that it doesn't matter if I'm this lonely.
Sorry again for this mediocre at best reading
experience, i'm really overwhelmed and tired.
