sky7
Student
- Aug 21, 2018
- 109
I've been off the site for a few days because I was in the hospital. I want to thank the administrators and moderators for running this site and making a safe place available to share one's most troubling thoughts and experiences without fear of criticism, judgment, or intervention.
As ironic as it is, being here for the past month helped get me through a really bad depressive episode. As I've stated in other posts, I have Bipolar II and have had chronic suicidality going back at least 15 years. Most of the time it is passive with flare-ups where my suicidal ideation becomes active with plans and intent. I went through the worst brunt of it late last week and started feeling as if the worst had past on Monday and considered the advice received on my last thread about "talking to someone outside the hospital" [my employer].
Initially I was going to try to get a same day appointment with my psychiatrist Wednesday to get back on medication. But after leaving work Tuesday night I decided that I was in a brief moment of clarity and that my resolve to seek help might vanish by morning. So I went to the ER just after midnight. I had already accepted the likelihood that I was going to be hospitalized. And after answering the "do you have a plan, the means, and intent" questions as "yes," it was a done deal.
Fortunately, I was only in for 3 days. I think removal from my work environment helped a lot, in addition to the medication. I am fortunate to respond to antipsychotics very quickly, though the mood stabilizer will take some time. But the true test will come when I go back to work on Monday. And I've talked with my family about it (something I really haven't done before). They have finally begun to understand the validity of mental illness. My mom told me that for the last couple weeks I had been scaring her, that she had figured out I was off my medication, that I needed it but that she didn't know what to do. I haven't discussed it with my dad though. He's still of the "tough-it-out" mindset and wouldn't even visit me last time I was in the hospital.
I am not posting this as a pro-lifer, because I am still pro-choice. My choice right now is giving it another try, because I am just not ready to face the music.
And I'm not going to use the platitude that "it gets better." The negative, contextual aspects of my life are still there as is the hopelessness that the future may never improve. That may never change, but at least I may be able to cope with it.
Thanks for enduring my post. I know its long but I wanted to share it anyway. Maybe someone can get something from it.
As ironic as it is, being here for the past month helped get me through a really bad depressive episode. As I've stated in other posts, I have Bipolar II and have had chronic suicidality going back at least 15 years. Most of the time it is passive with flare-ups where my suicidal ideation becomes active with plans and intent. I went through the worst brunt of it late last week and started feeling as if the worst had past on Monday and considered the advice received on my last thread about "talking to someone outside the hospital" [my employer].
Initially I was going to try to get a same day appointment with my psychiatrist Wednesday to get back on medication. But after leaving work Tuesday night I decided that I was in a brief moment of clarity and that my resolve to seek help might vanish by morning. So I went to the ER just after midnight. I had already accepted the likelihood that I was going to be hospitalized. And after answering the "do you have a plan, the means, and intent" questions as "yes," it was a done deal.
Fortunately, I was only in for 3 days. I think removal from my work environment helped a lot, in addition to the medication. I am fortunate to respond to antipsychotics very quickly, though the mood stabilizer will take some time. But the true test will come when I go back to work on Monday. And I've talked with my family about it (something I really haven't done before). They have finally begun to understand the validity of mental illness. My mom told me that for the last couple weeks I had been scaring her, that she had figured out I was off my medication, that I needed it but that she didn't know what to do. I haven't discussed it with my dad though. He's still of the "tough-it-out" mindset and wouldn't even visit me last time I was in the hospital.
I am not posting this as a pro-lifer, because I am still pro-choice. My choice right now is giving it another try, because I am just not ready to face the music.
And I'm not going to use the platitude that "it gets better." The negative, contextual aspects of my life are still there as is the hopelessness that the future may never improve. That may never change, but at least I may be able to cope with it.
Thanks for enduring my post. I know its long but I wanted to share it anyway. Maybe someone can get something from it.
