LilKSA
Member
- Sep 28, 2019
- 6
"Excuse my formatting I'm on mobile"
My name is Scott. I've been a Sex Addict for nearly 10 years now. I'm young only a few years out of high school and this is honestly hell. I'm living on my parents money, can't hold down a job because of the addiction and have been fighting nearly everyday of the last 5 years to beat this thing.
I'm a full blown sex addict. Sex, porn, sexting, literally all of it
Before I go forward a list of all I have done
So here is where I'm at. I am 100% suicidal, I am in a weird position. For a long time I hated myself, on the 2nd rehab trip I met a really cool person who taught me to not hate myself anymore. Like honestly I really do love myself. I have flaws but I've never been a bad person and a lot of times have gone out of my way to help other people when it wouldn't be repaid(not trying to be narcissistic just explaining where I'm at)
Honestly it feels like I am being forced to have to kill myself. 2 months ago I lost control. The pain was so great that I disconnected from myself and it feels like something else took over. I stole 500$ from my parents and left a suicide not and decided to drive to the Oregon coast to see it then kill myself. It's the first time the fear of the unknown wasn't a factor I was so far gone that I was ready to kill my self. It's the first time it wasn't a cry for help.
2 days into the trip I kinda came back from my psychosis and called my mom and drove back home and decided I would give it the best try I could. I blocked every device and was 100% honest about every way I could think to break those blocks. Went to 8 meeting. Started step 1. Went to therapy 2 times. Worked out everyday. Meditated everyday. Prayed every day. Opened up to other people when I felt a urge. Was empathetic to myself
I made it 7 days
I can't live this soulless existence anymore
Video game, porn, nicotine, YouTube binges make up my everyday now. I'm unable to move even though I have literally given 110%
The final straw was when I decided to go out driving 1 night to clear my head and think about things like I always do. I try to be as honest with myself as I can. I asked myself multiple questions.
Are you just being lazy? No
Are you just doing this so you don't have to grow up? No
Are you just doing this so you don't have to work a job? No
Do you want to work a job? Yes
Have you really and I mean really tried your hardest at this? Yes
Some people don't understand what it's like to be stuck with a unbeatable disease. My ability to choose my own life has been taken away from me. I don't have a choice it's either Learn to live with this thing or give in and slowly lose my mind until I kill myself or lose all control and hurt someone
I have one real try left in me. I gave up 2 weeks ago. It's unbeatable with my current knowledge and understanding of the world. My last chance is getting into a Sex Addiction specific inpatient rehab
Except
My parent don't make a lot of money
Insurance doesn't pay for sex addiction because it's just now coming into the mainstream
I try not to blame my parents, I try really hard not to. But there is just so much anger. I won't go into how my dad was abusive but he was. I just don't know what to do. My mom keeps constantly saying "if I could pay for it I would" but how do I respond to that? "Thanks for the thought mom it's totally cool, I meant I'm definitely gonna lose my mind and kill myself if I don't get serious help, but I understand"
Thoughts about manipulating and guilt tripping have been running rampant.
"what would you do if it was cancer, you understand both are fatal right"
"Why did you have a kid when you don't have the money to support one"
"Why have I told you about this for 5 years and you've never once took it seriously"
"You do realize the last suicide thing wasn't a cry for help right I nearly did it"
I don't want to manipulate to get help. I've done that my entire life but I just don't know what else to do. I don't want to be this person anymore I'm slowing growing into a worse person day by day the more I sit in this addiction
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm close to selling drugs or seriously robbing someone to get the money.
Thought about fundraising but seeing as sex addiction is not taken seriously yet that would bomb because it's around 50,000 for the help I would need
I'm fucking deseperate
My name is Scott. I've been a Sex Addict for nearly 10 years now. I'm young only a few years out of high school and this is honestly hell. I'm living on my parents money, can't hold down a job because of the addiction and have been fighting nearly everyday of the last 5 years to beat this thing.
I'm a full blown sex addict. Sex, porn, sexting, literally all of it
Before I go forward a list of all I have done
- Blocked all electronic site from porn and social media so I couldn't hit up anybody
- Meditation, reading, being social, working out
- 12 step groups
- Worked a job for 3 months
- Daily meetings and therapy twice a week
- Multiple different drugs
- Lied about being a alcoholic to my insurance to get into rehabs on 3 desperate occasions
- Dwelled deeply into religion.
- Helped a lot of other people
- Tried forgetting I was a addict
- Location change
- Major location change
- No internet what so ever
- 12 steps themselves
- Giving up control of my life
- Letting God give his messages through other people
- Not focusing on myself so Much
I am burnt, I have put over 30,000 hours of my life with one goal in mind. I have tried every thought process you can think of every belief system, every action, every spiritual based change and nothing has worked
So here is where I'm at. I am 100% suicidal, I am in a weird position. For a long time I hated myself, on the 2nd rehab trip I met a really cool person who taught me to not hate myself anymore. Like honestly I really do love myself. I have flaws but I've never been a bad person and a lot of times have gone out of my way to help other people when it wouldn't be repaid(not trying to be narcissistic just explaining where I'm at)
Honestly it feels like I am being forced to have to kill myself. 2 months ago I lost control. The pain was so great that I disconnected from myself and it feels like something else took over. I stole 500$ from my parents and left a suicide not and decided to drive to the Oregon coast to see it then kill myself. It's the first time the fear of the unknown wasn't a factor I was so far gone that I was ready to kill my self. It's the first time it wasn't a cry for help.
2 days into the trip I kinda came back from my psychosis and called my mom and drove back home and decided I would give it the best try I could. I blocked every device and was 100% honest about every way I could think to break those blocks. Went to 8 meeting. Started step 1. Went to therapy 2 times. Worked out everyday. Meditated everyday. Prayed every day. Opened up to other people when I felt a urge. Was empathetic to myself
I made it 7 days
I can't live this soulless existence anymore
Video game, porn, nicotine, YouTube binges make up my everyday now. I'm unable to move even though I have literally given 110%
The final straw was when I decided to go out driving 1 night to clear my head and think about things like I always do. I try to be as honest with myself as I can. I asked myself multiple questions.
Are you just being lazy? No
Are you just doing this so you don't have to grow up? No
Are you just doing this so you don't have to work a job? No
Do you want to work a job? Yes
Have you really and I mean really tried your hardest at this? Yes
Some people don't understand what it's like to be stuck with a unbeatable disease. My ability to choose my own life has been taken away from me. I don't have a choice it's either Learn to live with this thing or give in and slowly lose my mind until I kill myself or lose all control and hurt someone
I have one real try left in me. I gave up 2 weeks ago. It's unbeatable with my current knowledge and understanding of the world. My last chance is getting into a Sex Addiction specific inpatient rehab
Except
My parent don't make a lot of money
Insurance doesn't pay for sex addiction because it's just now coming into the mainstream
I try not to blame my parents, I try really hard not to. But there is just so much anger. I won't go into how my dad was abusive but he was. I just don't know what to do. My mom keeps constantly saying "if I could pay for it I would" but how do I respond to that? "Thanks for the thought mom it's totally cool, I meant I'm definitely gonna lose my mind and kill myself if I don't get serious help, but I understand"
Thoughts about manipulating and guilt tripping have been running rampant.
"what would you do if it was cancer, you understand both are fatal right"
"Why did you have a kid when you don't have the money to support one"
"Why have I told you about this for 5 years and you've never once took it seriously"
"You do realize the last suicide thing wasn't a cry for help right I nearly did it"
I don't want to manipulate to get help. I've done that my entire life but I just don't know what else to do. I don't want to be this person anymore I'm slowing growing into a worse person day by day the more I sit in this addiction
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm close to selling drugs or seriously robbing someone to get the money.
Thought about fundraising but seeing as sex addiction is not taken seriously yet that would bomb because it's around 50,000 for the help I would need
I'm fucking deseperate
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