Can't recover but want to talk

[Iwantoutrightnow]

My head knows that there is no recovery for me. I have a date to ctb, well it's more of a 'not before' date than a 'this is the day' date. But my heart wants me to talk, not with any hope of feeling better, I just want to talk.Then my head says what's the point? It won't achieve anything. I write things down to get them out of me but the desire to talk is so strong which is a bit weird for me because I struggle to talk, especially about myself.

I feel so trapped. I think about getting really drunk just to get through some hours a little numbed but it's too much effort. I'm so pathetic.

I imprison myself in my flat, the thought of going out terrifies me. I don't open my curtains and I only open a window after dark, well I did until yesterday. The small window in my lounge was hidden by bushes, I could open in at night and be camouflaged from the world but yesterday the maintenance people cut the bushes to windowsill height and I feel exposed. It's so stupid but it upset me so much I was physically sick. I'm so tired of being scared all the time and I want to talk to someone - is this stupid?

 

[Acerakis]

It's not stupid at all. I think humans need social interaction. Often people aren't scared of talking to people, they are scared that the talk will go wrong somehow.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

It feels stupid because I want someone to hear that I'm scared but I know that there's nothing they can do or say that will stop me from being scared so what's the point?

 

[Acerakis]

It feels stupid because I want someone to hear that I'm scared but I know that there's nothing they can do or say that will stop me from being scared so what's the point?

Well even if they can't directly help, venting your feelings does help relieve stress.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I've been socially withdrawn for a long time, this is not new to me, I'm used to not seeing people or talking to anyone. I don't understand this new need I have to talk.

For a long time I was really numb, didn't really feel sad as I didn't feel anything at all, but since my mum's birthday I have cried endless tears and my heart aches. Maybe this new emotional state has something to do with it, I don't know.

@itsamadworld I'm scared of being in the world, I'm scared of the affect my existence has on the world, the harm I cause people without intending to. Even in my flat I don't turn the lights on so nobody can see I exist, I watch tv with the sound off and subtitles so no one hears me, I limit how often I use the bathroom - every aspect of life that puts me in the world I try to limit so I can limit the damage I do just by being me

 

[itsamadworld]

Sorry. I tried to comment before, but my signals must be slow and I threw out like 100 messages before I could finish them...pardon that...so I had to delete them. I was just gonna say, I socially isolate too. A lot of my fears is just people interaction in general.

I've been socially withdrawn for a long time, this is not new to me, I'm used to not seeing people or talking to anyone. I don't understand this new need I have to talk.

For a long time I was really numb, didn't really feel sad as I didn't feel anything at all, but since my mum's birthday I have cried endless tears and my heart aches. Maybe this new emotional state has something to do with it, I don't know.

@itsamadworld I'm scared of being in the world, I'm scared of the affect my existence has on the world, the harm I cause people without intending to. Even in my flat I don't turn the lights on so nobody can see I exist, I watch tv with the sound off and subtitles so no one hears me, I limit how often I use the bathroom - every aspect of life that puts me in the world I try to limit so I can limit the damage I do just by being me

I wonder who or what made you feel like such a burden to the world? Were people cruel to you?

I've been socially withdrawn for a long time, this is not new to me, I'm used to not seeing people or talking to anyone. I don't understand this new need I have to talk.

For a long time I was really numb, didn't really feel sad as I didn't feel anything at all, but since my mum's birthday I have cried endless tears and my heart aches. Maybe this new emotional state has something to do with it, I don't know.

@itsamadworld I'm scared of being in the world, I'm scared of the affect my existence has on the world, the harm I cause people without intending to. Even in my flat I don't turn the lights on so nobody can see I exist, I watch tv with the sound off and subtitles so no one hears me, I limit how often I use the bathroom - every aspect of life that puts me in the world I try to limit so I can limit the damage I do just by being me

I wonder who or what made you feel like such a burden to the world? Were people cruel to you?

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I was told from a young age that I was born evil and I'm responsible for everything bad that happens. I was told this when my brother was diagnosed with a serious illness and I was to blame for him being ill. For a long time I believed that I was doing something that made the bad things happened but when my mum got ill it was explained to me that it was the fact that I exist that is the possibility of bad in the world.

People have tried to tell me that this was just his justification for the things he did to me but I can't move on from it. I'm convinced that my existence is harmful to everyone. I don't want to hurt people, I never did, hiding away is a temporary solution - ctb is the only answer

 

[terry_a_davis]

I was told from a young age that I was born evil and I'm responsible for everything bad that happens. I was told this when my brother was diagnosed with a serious illness and I was to blame for him being ill. For a long time I believed that I was doing something that made the bad things happened but when my mum got ill it was explained to me that it was the fact that I exist that is the possibility of bad in the world.

People have tried to tell me that this was just his justification for the things he did to me but I can't move on from it. I'm convinced that my existence is harmful to everyone. I don't want to hurt people, I never did, hiding away is a temporary solution - ctb is the only answer

What is the method for this supposed harm you do to the world? Do you beat people up or be nasty to them etc? I bet you don't do anything, this is not a logical accusation made against you.

 

[itsamadworld]

I was told from a young age that I was born evil and I'm responsible for everything bad that happens. I was told this when my brother was diagnosed with a serious illness and I was to blame for him being ill. For a long time I believed that I was doing something that made the bad things happened but when my mum got ill it was explained to me that it was the fact that I exist that is the possibility of bad in the world.

People have tried to tell me that this was just his justification for the things he did to me but I can't move on from it. I'm convinced that my existence is harmful to everyone. I don't want to hurt people, I never did, hiding away is a temporary solution - ctb is the only answer

Wow, those are really heartless things to say. Not to mention it's utterly untrue (unless you were in fact legit harming him? which i doubt, but i just have to cover myself, so pardon). If anything, it would be the one(s) who said it who is at MUCH more fault than you, because those persons chose to bring your brother in the world. But the fact that the words were said, words cannot be unsaid. Especially when one hears that message during development of the brain- which is the time the brain learns languages, the world, and also proper socialization. There are some people who shouldn't be allowed to own a dog, much less raise a child. Sorry that was said to you. I know that offers little. One of my parents lacked a filter like that, and would spew out hate, religiousness, guilt and blame like diarrhea. Not quite the same reasons as you. But even they could take a bit more responsibility at times. I know you aren't looking for help, and that's okay. You know where you at. But I do want to say to you that what was said to you was very wrong, and very untrue regardless. I really wish you the best. And feel free to PM me if you ever need to.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

@terry_a_davis evil seeps out of me infecting the world, making bad things happen. I don't think I've ever managed to explain in as comprehensively as it was explained to me, or maybe just hearing it for so long and not being able to respond made it more understandable. But I do understand what I was told and it does seem logical to me as it clearly was/is to him. I tried so hard to be good as a child to stop the badness in me but it wasn't a behaviour, just the fact that I exist.

Being me hurts so much and I want someone to hear that I'm so very sorry.

@itsamadworld thank you

 

[Acerakis]

@terry_a_davis evil seeps out of me infecting the world, making bad things happen. I don't think I've ever managed to explain in as comprehensively as it was explained to me, or maybe just hearing it for so long and not being able to respond made it more understandable. But I do understand what I was told and it does seem logical to me as it clearly was/is to him. I tried so hard to be good as a child to stop the badness in me but it wasn't a behaviour, just the fact that I exist.

Being me hurts so much and I want someone to hear that I'm so very sorry.

@itsamadworld thank you

You must have gone through some horrible prolonged abuse if you have been lead to believe this is true about yourself. This isn't a situation where you should to be the one apologising.

 

[BlackPoppet]

I've been socially withdrawn for a long time, this is not new to me, I'm used to not seeing people or talking to anyone. I don't understand this new need I have to talk.

For a long time I was really numb, didn't really feel sad as I didn't feel anything at all, but since my mum's birthday I have cried endless tears and my heart aches. Maybe this new emotional state has something to do with it, I don't know.

@itsamadworld I'm scared of being in the world, I'm scared of the affect my existence has on the world, the harm I cause people without intending to. Even in my flat I don't turn the lights on so nobody can see I exist, I watch tv with the sound off and subtitles so no one hears me, I limit how often I use the bathroom - every aspect of life that puts me in the world I try to limit so I can limit the damage I do just by being me

@terry_a_davis evil seeps out of me infecting the world, making bad things happen. I don't think I've ever managed to explain in as comprehensively as it was explained to me, or maybe just hearing it for so long and not being able to respond made it more understandable. But I do understand what I was told and it does seem logical to me as it clearly was/is to him. I tried so hard to be good as a child to stop the badness in me but it wasn't a behaviour, just the fact that I exist.

Being me hurts so much and I want someone to hear that I'm so very sorry.

@itsamadworld thank you

 

[terry_a_davis]

evil seeps out of me infecting the world, making bad things happen. I don't think I've ever managed to explain in as comprehensively as it was explained to me, or maybe just hearing it for so long and not being able to respond made it more understandable. But I do understand what I was told and it does seem logical to me as it clearly was/is to him. I tried so hard to be good as a child to stop the badness in me but it wasn't a behaviour, just the fact that I exist.

Are you religious? You being told all this stuff as a child about being evil, is nothing more than abuse. It's untrue.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I'm not religious. It doesn't seem to register in my brain when people say it's not true. My brain tells me that people say that because they don't know me, they don't know know what I'm really like. I don't know if this is because what he said is so ingrained or because what he said is the truth. I don't know what's real, the only reality that makes sense is the one he told me

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I don't know what's real, the only reality that makes sense is the one he told me

I think that's because you were severely gaslighted. The point of gaslighting is to define someone else's reality for them. Once they've accomplished that, the person is easy for them to control.

 

[Isadeth]

I'm sorry those things were told to you growing up and possibly even now. That is just cruel and untrue. I knew a guy born in Honduras. He was left handed and his family assumed he was evil and demons were part of it. They beat him repeatedly until he used his right hand to write. The area he lived blamed him for everything awful that happened to them DUE TO HIM BEING LEFT HANDED. People can be just demonic in nature and blame others for their misfortunes and suffering. They want a scape goat. I'm sorry you were choosen as that.

As the sudden need to just talk, I'm more than happy to listen. Talk about whatever you feel you need to. The weather, your traumas, your good days... reach out. I'll respect your way of communication you're looking for. Whether it's silence on my part so you can get things off of your chest, or a back and forth discussion, or just talking to not feel so alone and isolated. I isolate to. But I'm working on it. But I'm here if you ever need it. ♡

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I was very convincing to the world that everything was fine at home that when I had escaped it and I crashed and told people things hadn't been ok they didn't believe me. He always said nobody would ever believe me over him and he denied everything so now I wonder if any of it is true. Whenever anyone says he was cruel I feel guilty for painting him in a bad light when I'm the bad one. It's so circular, either what he said (or I think he said) was true and I'm evil or I've made it all up and that is equally evil.


Either way, I'm completely broken.

@Isadeth thank you

 

[JoeFailure]

Probably easier said than done...but yeah you have to cleanse yourself of all that garbage that was fed to you. It's not real.

Are you able to just cut off ties with the people that said and did this to you?

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I don't have much contact with him but he reminds me from time to time.

I've paid to speak to a therapist recently, he helped me understand a couple of things better but it felt like just as we were getting somewhere time was up. I can't really afford any more sessions and even though his insights were helpful they didn't change my mindset. I suppose the argument would be that I need more than a few sessions but I don't think anyone will ever convince me otherwise, it's too late now.

I've felt numb for so long, all this emotional distress is so confusing and overwhelming. I'm hurting so much now that the numbness actually felt better.

 

[oivoi]

Message me on the chat if you need to speak with someone. I will be glad to speak with you.

 

[JoeFailure]

I'm not against ending it, I'm here too...but I really hope you don't want to do this because of someone else. Fuck those people, live your life if you can.

There's a community here for you to talk to as well as myself if you ever need anyone.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

live your life if you can.

I can't. I tried and I tried but I can't live with the self that I believe myself to be and I've tried to change but I am what I am

There's a community here for you to talk to as well as myself if you ever need anyone.

Thanks

 

[Cashewmilk]

You keep talking about how you're "evil". I'm sorry to ask, but what exactly have you done, or what have you thought about, that makes you so evil? Do you know what evil is? In my opinion, someone is evil if they are a pedophile who acts out his urges, rapes children and babies, or even watches child porn; people who rape and torture others, people who torture animals, people who breed animals for profit and playthings, big corporations who make billions and their CEO's are billionaires yet their employees are starving, entities that destroy the environment and wildlife and animal habitats to make more, people who profit off the misery or abuse of others, human traffickers, people who are pro-life in regards to women's lives and reproduction, anyone who forces others to be pregnant and have babies, selfish parents who go to great lengths to get pregnant in today's world and hate their kids if they don't turn out perfect, gluttonous materialistic people who have lavish displays of wealth and abundance while half the world is living in poverty, I could go on and on to be honest. You don't have to reply you can always PM me if you don't want to say it freely, I won't judge, while I find certain people evil, I still have empathy especially if someone is extremely remorseful and guilty and it's eating them from inside.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

@Cashewmilk when my brother was ill I was told that it was my fault because I'm evil and make bad things happen. For a long time I thought it was something I was doing that made the bad things happen but he explained that it's not my direct actions it's my very existence. Evil from me infects the world making all the things you listed and more happen; I am the possibility of evil, the cause of bad things.

 

[Cashewmilk]

@Cashewmilk when my brother was ill I was told that it was my fault because I'm evil and make bad things happen. For a long time I thought it was something I was doing that made the bad things happen but he explained that it's not my direct actions it's my very existence. Evil from me infects the world making all the things you listed and more happen; I am the possibility of evil, the cause of bad things.

That's ridiculous, and impossible. It's like those dumb superstitions, like you're a curse or something. That's completely fucked up and not true and you should keep telling yourself that. Write it down on a piece of paper and post it all over your house so you can read it everyday. That's the dumbest thing and beneath you, you're stronger than this. Your CTB is irrelevant, your death is irrelevant, no matter what, you're not the cause of evil, it's impossible. You're an innocent human being. You deserve to feel like a human being. Maybe you should look into self hypnosis on YouTube, it might work for you you just have to be really relaxed and comfortable, look up self esteem types, whatever you think fits you, use earbuds and listen to subliminal messages, like binaural beats, do it while sleeping, who knows maybe it'll help. Don't die feeling and believing that, it's ridiculous, you're not ridiculous, that belief and your abuser is.

I'm not religious. It doesn't seem to register in my brain when people say it's not true. My brain tells me that people say that because they don't know me, they don't know know what I'm really like......

This is what I was wondering. What are you really like? If you're not any of the evil things I mentioned, then You're Not Evil. You were emotionally abused by a sociopathic narcissist. The person who said that is your abuser, the narc.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

It's not stupid at all. I think humans need social interaction. Often people aren't scared of talking to people, they are scared that the talk will go wrong somehow.

True. thanks to being abused by so many people I fear people hurting me

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

That's ridiculous

I'm sorry for being ridiculous but it's my reality.

you're stronger than this.

I'm not stronger than this, you don't know me. I've tried to be stronger and yeah I can maintain it for a day maybe 2 but it's exhausting and ultimately futile.

My flatmate has moved out now so the only thing stopping me from ctb is myself. I really want to go but I'm scared.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm sorry for being ridiculous but it's my reality.

Not speaking for @Cashewmilk, but s/he was saying the claim was ridiculous, not that you are.

I want to say to you that I hear you. You needed to talk about this, and we're listening. No one is negating you, but the stories you were told. I know when someone has been gaslighted to this degree that it's really hard to come out of. But I'm not going to get frustrated with you, and I'm not giving up on truth being able to get through. It takes support to build a new foundation when the original one was false, and folks here are trying to help you get to a foundation of reality. It's slow work, I won't get impatient with you. But please, I hope you can try to accept, even just a little bit, that no one here is fighting or negating you; it may not yet feel like it because you weren't allowed to recognize or accept it when you were under your father's power, but we are all on your side and supporting you, we are on your side.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I'm sorry for being defensive. Part of me always wondered how it was possible to be true but then events would reinforce what he said. My questioning seemed like a defiance that was then punished by something terrible happening.

He wrote to me at the beginning of March saying that covid was my fault, that I haven't been punished enough and that the evil seeping out of me is out of control. In other aspects of life my powers of reasoning aren't too bad but with everything thing he says I can follow his reasoning and it seems sound. I don't even need him to do the reasoning because where I'm concerned I reason in the same way automatically. Now I feel like t.v programs and the radio are sending me messages sating that I need to ctb for the benefit of everyone else.

I cut my family and friends off to protect them from me. Even if I was able to overcome the mental torment I have lost the things that matter to me the most, the people I would want in my life if living was an option, without them there's no point anyway.