Venting Can’t shake romantic loneliness

[Give Up The Ghost]

Probably sounds entirely pathetic, so I'll keep it brief. Firstly, I'm not one of those gross incels who blames other people for their own romantic failings. I know I'm no good at being bold socially or asserting my needs, I never have been. If it's anyone's fault my life has been and continues to be loveless, it's mine. I could blame my socially isolated and slightly traumatic upbringing, but maybe blame isn't the point. Maybe it just is.

The issue is, I can't seem to satisfy or remove this need for romantic love and it's made me supremely depressed. I can't seem to enjoy any of the social events I used to go to. All I can see is people in relationships, people joking about sex, all these references to a world I've never even been close to, do not understand and yet somehow need. I wish I could turn these needs off, I've never been comfortable with any of it.

I look ahead and see the entire rest of my life, feeling the horrifying ache of self-hatred every time something innocuously reminds me of sex and relationships. A song lyric, a dirty joke, a happy couple, anything really (again, I'm not blaming anyone else for this, I am obviously not owed sex or relationships or any kind of love at all, these are just triggers I've noticed I struggle with).

I don't think I can do it, I think it's just gonna drive me even more madly depressed, ruining the social connections I do have. Seems I'd be better off dead where the unbreakable whims of biology can't hurt me anymore.

Has anyone else on here had a similar experience? I've been browsing for a bit and it seems like most people have a very different experience to me, that if they have problems with sex and relationships it's because of bad experience, not no experience. Always interesting and mind-expanding to read different points of view, but it's kind made me feel isolated.

Anyway, thanks for reading my rant. I hope I didn't come across like an incel and I hope you are having a better day than me : )

 

[cagedSage]

I have felt in ways similar to what you have described, and still do to this day, there are nuances and my feelings and experiences differ a little bit from yours but i believe the core of the essence is the same, I have had my experiences , not really few and not really plenty , a regular amount i would guess, and yes i know this may seem like its the case of *the people with the bad experiences* but that would not be accurate. Through no fault of anyone else but my own i too feel traumatized every time the mere idea of sex pops into my head. It is not due to bad experiences however, but the nightmare that is the inside of my head. My anxiety, my fear, the disconnect between what i wish it to be and what it is in reality (even if pleasant), my inability to connect with others (i can pretend but not for too long), and finally , my almost vampiric instinct to cling , poison, and used my partner as a bucket for emotions i cant deal with, it suffocates them no matter how hard they try and i dont wish to do that to others.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I used to feel the same way before I entered this percieved realm for special people that you allude of. Only to find out that it was underwhelming, exhausting, and very costly. And that was 15-20 years ago. I couldn't imagine how it is today, when technology basically makes is so easy for people to cheat...and most people end up doing so. No matter how good you treat them.