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seasons4changing

seasons4changing

Member
Nov 3, 2024
75
I'm trying to choose a date when to ctb. I kind of feel guilty because I want to check out as soon as SN arrives but with holidays my bf wants to plan things and I really don't . He says "wow you have not been depressed lately" I guess it's because I have SN method and it's my plan A so I been hiding my depression and tell myself I only have to be depressed for a short time longer.

I know my ctb will be tramatic for him idk if I have it in me to ruin the happy holidays for my bf and children or if I should just ctb once sn arrives idk what to do. Also my birthday is a little after Christmas I know my bf wants to plan something big and romantic and it breaks my heart he doesn't know my plan and I feel so guilty. He knows about my suicidal ideation and been with me throughout my inpatient times…I only hope he has to know that ctb is a high possibility
 
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skatergirl

Student
Oct 28, 2024
139
I'm trying to choose a date when to ctb. I kind of feel guilty because I want to check out as soon as SN arrives but with holidays my bf wants to plan things and I really don't . He says "wow you have not been depressed lately" I guess it's because I have SN method and it's my plan A so I been hiding my depression and tell myself I only have to be depressed for a short time longer.

I know my ctb will be tramatic for him idk if I have it in me to ruin the happy holidays for my bf and children or if I should just ctb once sn arrives idk what to do. Also my birthday is a little after Christmas I know my bf wants to plan something big and romantic and it breaks my heart he doesn't know my plan and I feel so guilty. He knows about my suicidal ideation and been with me throughout my inpatient times…I only hope he has to know that ctb is a high possibility
Wow sounds so like my story
 
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seasons4changing

seasons4changing

Member
Nov 3, 2024
75
Wow sounds so like my story
It sad sometimes isn't it? I been sleeping so well the past few days since I ordered my sn. Just waiting for things to finally end. I care for my bf and children but i no longer want to suffer.
 
S

skatergirl

Student
Oct 28, 2024
139
It sad sometimes isn't it? I been sleeping so well the past few days since I ordered my sn. Just waiting for things to finally end. I care for my bf and children but i no longer want to suffer.
So sad like why do u want to ctb what's ur reasons
 
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seasons4changing

seasons4changing

Member
Nov 3, 2024
75
So sad like why do u want to ctb what's ur reasons
I don't think my dms work I promise I'll message back if it works lol. But my main reason to ctb is I am just tired . I am tired of waking up suffering mentally. I have constant trauma dreams. I struggle with major dissociation and depersonalization. I been on multiple antidepressants that screwed me up even more. I'm tired of therapy that doesn't help I'm tired of struggling in my life with all of life's pressure. I just want it all to be over. I am unable to feel love. Or feel anything really due to my medications . I care for my bf and children but between waking up and wondering "is today real or I'm dreaming" I just can't take it anymore. Literally last night I had a dream and "woke up" 3-4 times thinking I was in "reality" and my bf had to snap me back into reality and assure me I am not sleeping or dreaming. I hate it so much.
 
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ParalyzedVeteran

ParalyzedVeteran

Member
Nov 11, 2024
6
If you can hang in there, let them have the holidays. They won't freak out on an annual basis. I know what you mean about tired. Everything is orders of magnitude more difficult and when you take an objective look at it, it's just not worth it. The VA put me on meds like yours that made me feel nothing emotionally. I stopped because I'd rather be miserable than feel nothing.
 
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seasons4changing

seasons4changing

Member
Nov 3, 2024
75
If you can hang in there, let them have the holidays. They won't freak out on an annual basis. I know what you mean about tired. Everything is orders of magnitude more difficult and when you take an objective look at it, it's just not worth it. The VA put me on meds like yours that made me feel nothing emotionally. I stopped because I'd rather be miserable than feel nothing.
Thank you for your service and sorry you have to experience more pain. Yeah the meds keep messing me up more and more. The ones I'm on know tip me over the edge of no return. Yesterday I had a breakdown I'm just done with everything. I'm going to try my best to get thru the holidays. I fear I may not make it once my sn arrives 💔
 
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howunfortunateforme

Experienced
Oct 2, 2024
284
Psych meds literally kill it's like they want us to die
 
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Defenestration

Defenestration

I want to have the courage to defenestrate myself
Oct 25, 2020
1,269
The birthday of my boyfriend( died)...😰
 

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