I took EScitalopram (revised version w/ less side effects, also among all the SSRIs) for 1+ month, at 10mg then 20mg (max dose), following the recommendation of K-O, which I thank cause I've been soon enough cleared away of any suicidal pulsions, although I'm following a more complete regimen so cannot attribute the benefit strictly to it. It's probably a helper that should be explored mandatorily by any potential CTB'er.
I experienced a great happy mood high at the start for 1 & a half day (that I wish had continued) then never again. But I now know I develop extensive tolerance immediately with any type of substance (plus maybe my appreciation is personally impaired?!). At the start, I also went through bad inconsistent & randomly delayed side effects like diarhea, sensations, brain fog, some insomnia. It passed in a matter of days globally. No dissociation but less mental clarity, thinking block & some anhedonia continued. Sure loss of libido, way less distraction from the opposite sex, but I'm starting from an biased hormonal background : I turned into a NoFap dude with zero effort, not noticing ...which I'm grateful about, as I perceive it as a benefit (about energy retention, time consumed & other judgemental parameters I won't develop).
SSRI can make you resume to be functional like @Epsilon0 stated, even midly incapacitated. My complaint about Escitalopram specifically is a rollercoaster action, unsteady during the day (variation on the downside cause I got no clear upside)
Doubling the dose for a short time didn't help but made me feel worse (maybe it was due to the accommodation during transition partly).
So, OK isolated impact but also nothing at all transcendental.
I was attracted to other anti-depressants I had researched. The decision was hard but I decided to switch for the most nocive potent one : Paroxetine, more anti-anxiety driven. The pharmacies in my country deliver a lot of meds without prescription so I can bypass a doctor's POV. There are 3 psychiatric ways to transition, gradually not overlapping or overlapping, or without precaution (least recommended), what I did with zero problem. However, to balance things out, I chose to start & stick at half the minimal dose, and I might drop it now to a quarter.
I'm a living testimonial of long-term post-consequences of the chemical industry so I'm decided to not listen to prescriptions and stay below all thresholds advised.
Conclusion : 10mg Paroxetine (equivalent to 5mg Escitalopram approximately), more or less the same impact but more stability, but if I'm honest, more insomnia. However, almost impossible to orgasm, lightly more sexual anhedonia (expected). At worse, do not mind, happy if I last 2 hours. I believe there will be a physical reeducation part following, to improve this aspect, and other supplements are coming my way (DHEA & misc).
Finally, I've agreed after a consultation with a specialist to again switch ...to Fluoxetine (Prozac), which is in-between both, more focused on anti-depression and less so against anxiety, since I do not really measure this impact anyway, that has more a potential of energiser/booster. I will take 5mg (eventually 10 if unsifficient) equal to 5mg Paroxetine / 2.5mg Eacitalopram - no matter the advice is 20mg.
The reaction is always gonna be a matter of luck. I also plan to test Amitriptyline (TCA, other class) to judge for myself, which btw could be ok to combine with SSRI at low dose, avoiding the serotonine syndrome. Studies show some synergy of both and it would best suited to cure insomnia ? even more than Mirtazapine, ok too as a combo
In the end, if the aim is essentially to fight the suicidality, I'm now convinced I can rely on "homeopathic" doses with the same results. The rest I will take care through general life hygiene.
Oh yeah, I don't know if it was a pre-sign of Akathisia (@ohhgeeitsme knows something about it) way way early, but on "high" doses of Escitalopram, I was tensed to stand still at rest and pushed to move more than usual. I traveled 2 half days by bus / train and it was complicated. I too am more "activated" on lower Paroxetine but more like normal (no longer aloof from heavy depression).
——-Meanwhile——
During that month, I tested :
* benzos : Tranxene (best, for nothing/sleep ?) + Xanax, abusing them (twice then four times the normal dose, even mixing). Worked once, then near water/placebo ? For ME = bollocks ! Never received Midazolam from the darknet. Skipped Valium cause that class = too much of a disappointment.
* hypnotic : Zopiclone - worst of my trials. Although better to get "wasted" than benzos, zero sleep induction (on ME). Next day heavy physical weakness, strong metal taste in the mouth that alters the food. Uber shite & the only pill I discarded after 4 times.
I know Zolpidem & prefer it as more reliable w/ less aftermath, but makes me feel like shit all the same, just differently > trashcan
(==> would use ANY of these to CTB, counting on sedation or numbing potentiation as I imagined for SN ? Nah, unless for a joke ?! can't believe the time I spent on these details)
Certainly, I'm addiction prone for substances. I'm not fond of measurements & caution, eyeballing, and my ability to adapt is scary. I'm already dependency sensitive for several behaviors. If at all, I realised I could set myself awkwardly in danger zone, to attempt to forget about the outer world without reason.
Happy discoveries :
* microdosing magic truffles. Zero bad sides, zero trippy distorsion. Initial time, subtile senses & focus enhancement. The music was better, I could listen to english and separate the words of sentences more clearly, like the time slowed & my cognition was better mastered. The sun & light on me felt gentle, like a caress, even eyes closed. Next times, normal, can't comment. Tried to "double up", felt good again.
* vitamin B3 Niacin - the form provoking skin flush - in overdose (for me, 150mg finally, but for most people 100mg, rarely up to 400mg). Tested only twice because I caught massive sunburns walking in the mountains & couldn't add up, the pain might have been a bit rough (for an unexpected result). Tbh, I have no serious idea what the stuff is good for, I'll read more. It is said the targeted mechanism is about dispersing in the entire body other elements you supplement with, so to take at the same time than the rest, last. In practice, I just know it functions as advertised. I can feel it starts to spread in my chest then to my neck and face, then every other extremities of the body (even my dick which as a stimulation w/o will cause an erection better than Viagra or looking at a female's naked body ! am 40yo, not 20). Concretely, it's a form of half discomfort half tingling, close to a sunburn, your skin turns reddish at spots, lasting 30-40 minutes in my case. Call it masochism but in parallel it wakes you up with alertness and also materialises into a contrast of soothing? after it has passed. Validated!
Will continue both with faith, since my quest is minimal tolerance for disadvantages, first & foremost.
