Scattered-Soul
It was an indescribable pain
- Oct 2, 2023
- 163
It feels a bit silly to do something akin to an update post since I'm just a nobody and it's not like I posted much even when I was active but I just need to vent, to put this out there somewhere.
The main reason I ended up here was because of psych drug-induced damage and progressive neurocognitive disorder, it's a long story and more than half of my posts here were about that. I was worsening and I wanted to ensure that I had a way out before I completely lost the ability (both physical and mental) to create and execute a plan. I had multiple (pretty torturous) unsuccessful hanging attempts that solidified that that method simply wouldn't work for me so I moved on to SN instead. Reading through the protocol and comprehending it, let alone purchasing it, was pretty challenging but I somehow did it.
I officially got my SN at the beginning of January and I felt like I'd CTB soon right after but at the same time since it made me feel secure that I had a way out at any given moment, I didn't want to go without having tried something to see if it'd make a change for my condition. It's irreversible but I still wanted to see if something, anything, could give me even 5% improvement for a single day and in my head I thought that I should live for as long as possible despite rapidly worsening, that some level of existence was still better than nothing since I didn't want to (and still don't wanna) die.
I also wanted to test the SN to ensure that it was pure and to get the rest of the stuff like antiemetics, and a scale. But I procrastinated because of my debilitating fatigue, my lack of financial savings since I spent everything on the SN and because I didn't want anything to "expire" in case I took too long to go through with it. Now I'm screwed though, I don't have neither the money nor the function to get anything else, to test the SN, to potentially get new SN if this one were not to be pure (or not be SN at all, I hate that I couldn't even do the blood taste since I'm just incompetent and couldn't get blood out of myself). My source seemed reliable since it was just some guy selling chemicals and vitamins but you never know and it's also been 6 months, I've kept my SN in their original plastic bottles in plastic bags but it's still possible to have oxidized.
That aside, I got damaged again
I've still been worsening over the past 6 months, the main reasons I've managed to persevere were because I decided to give the "try anything to make an impact on your condition" route a try before CTB, previously I tried meds for dementia with no effect and then the next route was my psychiatrist prescribing me Concerta which didn't do anything either but I was holding onto the hope of her upping the dosage. That took months but I tried my best to be patient and survive. It helped that my hostile home situation improved a lot, it didn't stop my condition from progressing but it kept me saner and stress-free, I also miraculously managed to make numerous friends online while waiting for the months to pass. In my attempt to just pass time and live a little longer by trying to make a positive impact on other people's lives, I became attached to them, I became attached to the work we did together (trying to be vague) and I wanted to finish my duties in relation to that before I were to CTB.
What I didn't anticipate was becoming so much worse from a medication, again. After months of waiting, the Concerta didn't do anything, my psychiatrist refused to up the dosage more than she already had and she switched me to Modafinil as her (and mine) last alternative. It's used for narcolepsy, excessive daytime sleepiness, ADHD, cognitive impairment even in dementia patients and I'm all of those. I didn't expect it to work since after my injury no stimulant has affected me and the bad side effects are more along the lines of high anxiety, depression, paranoia etc I was concerned for those. I didn't get any of the conventional side effects, instead I got hit with even worse fatigue, worse feeling of drunkness and worse cognition which was subtle at first but then sped up. Apparently some people greatly benefit from it and others paradoxical effects like that instead, I even saw some people saying that they felt lobotomized while taking it which is exactly how I feel. Only that for others it resolved after stopping but for me, since my organism is an anomaly, it has continued getting worse even after cessation. And I know that no doctor can help me, I can only get worse.
Because of that, I feel like it's my time to go
This post, while long, doesn't cover even a speck of the symptoms I deal with but the way I'd describe it especially after the recent worsening is that I'm stuck between life and death. My level of consciousness has been decreased severely, I feel like my brain might turn off any second now, my whole body is hard to move and I feel like it'll paralyze on its own, I feel like I need to sleep but the thing is that I know my brain won't just die and sleeping doesn't fix it, sooner or later I wake up and I need to get up and just move around aimlessly while feeling like a total corpse just to get some brain activity going on just so I can type something like this. But it's so hard and torturous, there aren't words to describe it. Feeling like you're 80% dead especially in your head and like you're about to black out but still being alive and aware of that, wanting to be able to do things, wanting to just get your brain to wake up and think and to get over that blocked feeling but being completely unable to do so and being aware that you'll most likely lose your abilities completely soon is torturous and terrifying.
Sadly the human brain can suffer a lot and take a lot of damage, you can quite literally be gone as a person, stuck in a vegetative state and your body would still breathe, still exist and you can be stuck like that for years or decades, being at the mercy of others. You can end up in that state because of medical intervention and no one would be sued for that and no doctor would come to save you. I don't want that and no one else around me would be able to release me from my pain since it's a crime. So I know I have to do it myself and I have to do it while having some consciousness left, I feel like my personality, my soul, me as a person is gone but there's visibly still some level of self awareness and I'd like to go while I still have that.
It's so fucking hard to accept and go through with though
When I got my SN I told myself that before death, I'll give a try to anything that could impact my condition just in case a miracle happens. And if that I were to get worse, all I needed to remember was just to drink that SN and I would just CTB. Well, I'm here now... but it's just so hard to go through. When you don't have a solid method that you know will guarantee your death, you feel this sense of urgency and panic, it's easier to attempt, at least that's been my experience. But when you have something that you feel like is going to end it all for sure, almost as if it's a button that will kill you instantly, it's hard to let go. Because you know once it's done, it's done, it's over and that was it so you cling onto life for a little while longer.
It's also a challenge to be able to suppress and beat your survival instinct for the entire duration of following the SN protocol. Pressing a button (or a trigger) would be way easier to do in a moment when you feel extra suicidal and just want to escape immediately. But if you're someone like me who doesn't want to let go of life, 12 hours (for example) are a lot of time to go "I wish I could live for one more day", to want to eat your favorite food again and be unable to resist, to feel fear. I admire everyone who's been able to go through with it just because I know that it takes a lot of strength and resistance.
For me, when it comes to my own life, CTB feels like a tragedy. Ironically enough, I used to be really depressed and miserable throughout my entire life pre-psych drug injury which was 17 years (and this was years ago, I'm an adult now, don't ban me lol). I felt this deep indescribable level of loneliness, I was bullied a lot by my peers, I got sexually assaulted by them and even almost murdered just on the basis that they found me "weird" and offputting, they'd tell me that they just had the urge to hurt me but didn't understand why (later on I learned that I'm autistic and they probably got the uncanny valley feeling). I was abused at home and lived in a hostile and very stressful home environment for pretty much my entire life, my relatives treated me like shit too, I grew up having a pretty severe case of OCD and new issues would just pile up as I grew up which is what led me to a psychiatrist's office where I feel like I met my true end. It was only after I acquired the rare and unlucky psych drug induced damage and progressive disease that those other factors got better, like graduating school and not having to deal with that anymore, my home situation getting better, finding amazing friends I could be myself with. And I guess the memory loss also helped with the bad memories, I don't feel that depression and suicidality anymore.
So now I want to live but I can't, I wish I could go back to the past, before the psych drug injury, I wish I could tell my old self all the coping mechanisms that could've helped me, that it could get better and that nothing from the past could've compared to the suffering of living with this progressive damage. I wish I could wake up and for all of this to have been just a nightmare and to have my emotions, intelligence, soul and life back. I wish I could've lived, learned skills like drawing, singing, playing an instrument, roller skating (I actually got a pair while waiting for the SN to arrive but I could never get better with them because of my balance issues and weak muscles), I wanted to be able to learn, I've always loved obtaining knowledge and I loved philosophy, I wanted to help people as well and maybe make a positive change for the world or even just individual people.
There are so many movies I haven't watched, things I haven't learned, video games I haven't gotten into, music I haven't listened to and food I haven't tried, I haven't really had much life experiences either like I've never gone bowling, I've barely travelled even in my country. I don't want to leave my mother who loves me dearly and has sacrificed so much for me, my cat, my friends who also love me deeply (even though I'm sure they'll be fine way more quickly), the world and existence in general. I selfishly feel sad that life will just continue on as it always has even when I'm gone, all the people I know will just continue existing like that, without me.
My best friend's grandma passed away recently and I went to the funeral, seeing her get buried and the graveyard in general filled me with dread, it's irrational because I'll literally be dead, nonexistent, but I got a sense of such profound sadness that I'd just be left there, all alone. I don't want to leave my room and things behind, I don't want to be forgotten or replaced, I'm scared of who's going to take care of my mother afterwards, I wish I could grow old and healthy with my friends, I wish to see what would happen to the world in general. It feels painful that this has been my only chance to exist.
What provides me comfort is the fact that everyone dies sooner or later, so none of this really matters in the grand scheme of things. It's just so damn hard to get over those feelings, that fear and clinging onto life even when you're losing yourself and are suffering. Also the only way I can accept death is by rationalizing it but that requires me to be able to think which is very hard nowadays, being stuck in this between life and death state with reduced level of consciousness as if I'm about to disappear any second now has also given me a glimpse of what true death and nothingness feels like and that has just made me feel even more scared of it.
This is all, thank you for acknowledging me for anyone who read the entire thing. The writing skills here are not a true representation of my current brain capacity and capabilities, I simply refuse to post gibberish and this alone took me 2 days without me doing anything else. I can only hope to be brave enough when the time comes in... no idea how much time and that I won't be stuck suffering. First step is to try to test my SN with my current limitations.
The main reason I ended up here was because of psych drug-induced damage and progressive neurocognitive disorder, it's a long story and more than half of my posts here were about that. I was worsening and I wanted to ensure that I had a way out before I completely lost the ability (both physical and mental) to create and execute a plan. I had multiple (pretty torturous) unsuccessful hanging attempts that solidified that that method simply wouldn't work for me so I moved on to SN instead. Reading through the protocol and comprehending it, let alone purchasing it, was pretty challenging but I somehow did it.
I officially got my SN at the beginning of January and I felt like I'd CTB soon right after but at the same time since it made me feel secure that I had a way out at any given moment, I didn't want to go without having tried something to see if it'd make a change for my condition. It's irreversible but I still wanted to see if something, anything, could give me even 5% improvement for a single day and in my head I thought that I should live for as long as possible despite rapidly worsening, that some level of existence was still better than nothing since I didn't want to (and still don't wanna) die.
I also wanted to test the SN to ensure that it was pure and to get the rest of the stuff like antiemetics, and a scale. But I procrastinated because of my debilitating fatigue, my lack of financial savings since I spent everything on the SN and because I didn't want anything to "expire" in case I took too long to go through with it. Now I'm screwed though, I don't have neither the money nor the function to get anything else, to test the SN, to potentially get new SN if this one were not to be pure (or not be SN at all, I hate that I couldn't even do the blood taste since I'm just incompetent and couldn't get blood out of myself). My source seemed reliable since it was just some guy selling chemicals and vitamins but you never know and it's also been 6 months, I've kept my SN in their original plastic bottles in plastic bags but it's still possible to have oxidized.
That aside, I got damaged again
I've still been worsening over the past 6 months, the main reasons I've managed to persevere were because I decided to give the "try anything to make an impact on your condition" route a try before CTB, previously I tried meds for dementia with no effect and then the next route was my psychiatrist prescribing me Concerta which didn't do anything either but I was holding onto the hope of her upping the dosage. That took months but I tried my best to be patient and survive. It helped that my hostile home situation improved a lot, it didn't stop my condition from progressing but it kept me saner and stress-free, I also miraculously managed to make numerous friends online while waiting for the months to pass. In my attempt to just pass time and live a little longer by trying to make a positive impact on other people's lives, I became attached to them, I became attached to the work we did together (trying to be vague) and I wanted to finish my duties in relation to that before I were to CTB.
What I didn't anticipate was becoming so much worse from a medication, again. After months of waiting, the Concerta didn't do anything, my psychiatrist refused to up the dosage more than she already had and she switched me to Modafinil as her (and mine) last alternative. It's used for narcolepsy, excessive daytime sleepiness, ADHD, cognitive impairment even in dementia patients and I'm all of those. I didn't expect it to work since after my injury no stimulant has affected me and the bad side effects are more along the lines of high anxiety, depression, paranoia etc I was concerned for those. I didn't get any of the conventional side effects, instead I got hit with even worse fatigue, worse feeling of drunkness and worse cognition which was subtle at first but then sped up. Apparently some people greatly benefit from it and others paradoxical effects like that instead, I even saw some people saying that they felt lobotomized while taking it which is exactly how I feel. Only that for others it resolved after stopping but for me, since my organism is an anomaly, it has continued getting worse even after cessation. And I know that no doctor can help me, I can only get worse.
Because of that, I feel like it's my time to go
This post, while long, doesn't cover even a speck of the symptoms I deal with but the way I'd describe it especially after the recent worsening is that I'm stuck between life and death. My level of consciousness has been decreased severely, I feel like my brain might turn off any second now, my whole body is hard to move and I feel like it'll paralyze on its own, I feel like I need to sleep but the thing is that I know my brain won't just die and sleeping doesn't fix it, sooner or later I wake up and I need to get up and just move around aimlessly while feeling like a total corpse just to get some brain activity going on just so I can type something like this. But it's so hard and torturous, there aren't words to describe it. Feeling like you're 80% dead especially in your head and like you're about to black out but still being alive and aware of that, wanting to be able to do things, wanting to just get your brain to wake up and think and to get over that blocked feeling but being completely unable to do so and being aware that you'll most likely lose your abilities completely soon is torturous and terrifying.
Sadly the human brain can suffer a lot and take a lot of damage, you can quite literally be gone as a person, stuck in a vegetative state and your body would still breathe, still exist and you can be stuck like that for years or decades, being at the mercy of others. You can end up in that state because of medical intervention and no one would be sued for that and no doctor would come to save you. I don't want that and no one else around me would be able to release me from my pain since it's a crime. So I know I have to do it myself and I have to do it while having some consciousness left, I feel like my personality, my soul, me as a person is gone but there's visibly still some level of self awareness and I'd like to go while I still have that.
It's so fucking hard to accept and go through with though
When I got my SN I told myself that before death, I'll give a try to anything that could impact my condition just in case a miracle happens. And if that I were to get worse, all I needed to remember was just to drink that SN and I would just CTB. Well, I'm here now... but it's just so hard to go through. When you don't have a solid method that you know will guarantee your death, you feel this sense of urgency and panic, it's easier to attempt, at least that's been my experience. But when you have something that you feel like is going to end it all for sure, almost as if it's a button that will kill you instantly, it's hard to let go. Because you know once it's done, it's done, it's over and that was it so you cling onto life for a little while longer.
It's also a challenge to be able to suppress and beat your survival instinct for the entire duration of following the SN protocol. Pressing a button (or a trigger) would be way easier to do in a moment when you feel extra suicidal and just want to escape immediately. But if you're someone like me who doesn't want to let go of life, 12 hours (for example) are a lot of time to go "I wish I could live for one more day", to want to eat your favorite food again and be unable to resist, to feel fear. I admire everyone who's been able to go through with it just because I know that it takes a lot of strength and resistance.
For me, when it comes to my own life, CTB feels like a tragedy. Ironically enough, I used to be really depressed and miserable throughout my entire life pre-psych drug injury which was 17 years (and this was years ago, I'm an adult now, don't ban me lol). I felt this deep indescribable level of loneliness, I was bullied a lot by my peers, I got sexually assaulted by them and even almost murdered just on the basis that they found me "weird" and offputting, they'd tell me that they just had the urge to hurt me but didn't understand why (later on I learned that I'm autistic and they probably got the uncanny valley feeling). I was abused at home and lived in a hostile and very stressful home environment for pretty much my entire life, my relatives treated me like shit too, I grew up having a pretty severe case of OCD and new issues would just pile up as I grew up which is what led me to a psychiatrist's office where I feel like I met my true end. It was only after I acquired the rare and unlucky psych drug induced damage and progressive disease that those other factors got better, like graduating school and not having to deal with that anymore, my home situation getting better, finding amazing friends I could be myself with. And I guess the memory loss also helped with the bad memories, I don't feel that depression and suicidality anymore.
So now I want to live but I can't, I wish I could go back to the past, before the psych drug injury, I wish I could tell my old self all the coping mechanisms that could've helped me, that it could get better and that nothing from the past could've compared to the suffering of living with this progressive damage. I wish I could wake up and for all of this to have been just a nightmare and to have my emotions, intelligence, soul and life back. I wish I could've lived, learned skills like drawing, singing, playing an instrument, roller skating (I actually got a pair while waiting for the SN to arrive but I could never get better with them because of my balance issues and weak muscles), I wanted to be able to learn, I've always loved obtaining knowledge and I loved philosophy, I wanted to help people as well and maybe make a positive change for the world or even just individual people.
There are so many movies I haven't watched, things I haven't learned, video games I haven't gotten into, music I haven't listened to and food I haven't tried, I haven't really had much life experiences either like I've never gone bowling, I've barely travelled even in my country. I don't want to leave my mother who loves me dearly and has sacrificed so much for me, my cat, my friends who also love me deeply (even though I'm sure they'll be fine way more quickly), the world and existence in general. I selfishly feel sad that life will just continue on as it always has even when I'm gone, all the people I know will just continue existing like that, without me.
My best friend's grandma passed away recently and I went to the funeral, seeing her get buried and the graveyard in general filled me with dread, it's irrational because I'll literally be dead, nonexistent, but I got a sense of such profound sadness that I'd just be left there, all alone. I don't want to leave my room and things behind, I don't want to be forgotten or replaced, I'm scared of who's going to take care of my mother afterwards, I wish I could grow old and healthy with my friends, I wish to see what would happen to the world in general. It feels painful that this has been my only chance to exist.
What provides me comfort is the fact that everyone dies sooner or later, so none of this really matters in the grand scheme of things. It's just so damn hard to get over those feelings, that fear and clinging onto life even when you're losing yourself and are suffering. Also the only way I can accept death is by rationalizing it but that requires me to be able to think which is very hard nowadays, being stuck in this between life and death state with reduced level of consciousness as if I'm about to disappear any second now has also given me a glimpse of what true death and nothingness feels like and that has just made me feel even more scared of it.
This is all, thank you for acknowledging me for anyone who read the entire thing. The writing skills here are not a true representation of my current brain capacity and capabilities, I simply refuse to post gibberish and this alone took me 2 days without me doing anything else. I can only hope to be brave enough when the time comes in... no idea how much time and that I won't be stuck suffering. First step is to try to test my SN with my current limitations.
