Current feelings
My life has been f*cked. It's really f*cked . It's not necessarily as f*cked as anyone else's , but for me it's f*cked. I'm disgusted with things I have seen and despite how much I've spoken up about maintaining my own autonomy and things like that , bad sh*t still happened . I'm going to get my butt in gear and get serious about ending my life .
I'm 25f, diagnosed with depression , and have been for a while but I did not realize how much dissociating I have done . Spiritual bypassing , whatever you may call it , has pretty much been how I've "made it through" everyday other than just dragging myself along. I didn't know what dissociating meant for a long time even though I've been seeing the word since I was in my teens . Now that I do, holy sh*t I do it a lot . I've had providers use it very rarely but NOW I actually understand .
I don't feel like I've been living my life , I feel like I've been distracting myself from the life I actually live by trying to stay positive (sometimes viewed as delusional by others ) and then when I wasn't that way I was called negative , depressing , draining etc . People have brushed past and disregarded my pain and have just gave generic encouragement or aggressive codependency , and I eventually started doing some of those things to myself.
Support for suicide discussion friendly spaces
I love that forums like this exist, amongst other micro communities on other social media that allow people to EXIST in both their "negative" and "positive". I was just reading about how this is not a pro suicide site and I love that. I can come here and say , "I'm going to kill myself" and it's not seen as encouragement or that I'm a burden for simply saying my feelings .
Pro choice for the win. Also unnecessary side note , SO glad I do not have any children and that my relationships have not worked out . Not happy about abuse but I could not imagine my life and my child's life with all the issues I've had . I thought I wanted to change my mind about it , and even negged a "partner" about how we should consider having children because of a loss he had while young and I wanted to help heal that for him. I'm SO glad that didn't happen . That was one of the times I think I was definitely delusional.
Why I'm going to become more serious about killing myself
Anyway, I realize leaving my mental health and physical health up to the guessing game that is the medical system , where you go through 10+ diagnoses , many drugs and treatments , many $$$ before you get to what's actually wrong with you … I NEED to take responsibility for myself . I thought that was self care , exercising , therapy etc . No. I need to die .
Everything I do in this world is a distraction from death and what isn't absolutely awful / not what I want is a distraction from the awful things . It's gaslighting yourself constantly.
Grief and me
I was looking at the grief cycle for some issues someone else was having … and I realize I feel I've been in a constant cycle of GRIEF . Grieving friendships , relationships, or lack of, feelings of inadequacy, more recently grieving death of loved ones , grieving my youth, grieving the things I don't understand or struggle in learning .
Culturally I fit in no where . I have tried and realize how stupid I've been , I was raised with a race self hatred parent and have put in work to "kind of" fit in the "culture" of my race but fail overall. Everything is fake and learned .
Possible Autism
I'm most likely autistic , but undiagnosed with no chance of diagnosis because lack of records while young and NO ONE thinks I'm autistic except the people in autistic groups who I've talked to or people who have bullied me or taken advantage of me in some way . Or they just think I'm stupid . I remember as an elementary school child being put in a special ed class and my parent raising hell about it saying I'm not disabled because I had a lisp and people were trying to call me stupid … and all the kids crying in the sensory friendly room. I just remember being happy when I went there , not fully understanding why but I liked the room a lot better .
Anyway it's so much stuff I remember/ realize that to other people just makes me sound manic . I'm so tired of trying to talk to people / gain understanding . It's gotten to the point that I've started using AI to shorten posts like this one , and I look at the post and I don't feel like I'm actually getting out everything I need to say but the response is better and when it comes to internet posts people aren't aggressive or mean on them . I think it's because AI will dull/ lessen emotional expression.
My "outline "
1. Make a suicide plan . (5Ws, how , most peaceful methods available to me , notes if I'm going to leave them, make sure beneficiaries are in order )
2. Accept , accept accept . I have to accept I want to die . The same way I would begrudgingly push myself through a job , or actively avoid doing this without things being in place in case I fail, some type of income , I need to embrace myself fully and the desire to die. My misery has been prolonged because I cannot accept this . I need to .
3. Make sure I have all the money I need , or at least the means and goods for the most part and quit my job .
4. Figure out what I want to do in the last days . Definitely will be part of the plan but making separate because … time is always longest leading up to something ?
5. Say goodbye and hope I'm successful .
I've been wanting to / questioning suicide since I was approx 8 years old. It's been 17 years of feeling this way. Too long . It's time to make a decision. I choose death .
My life has been f*cked. It's really f*cked . It's not necessarily as f*cked as anyone else's , but for me it's f*cked. I'm disgusted with things I have seen and despite how much I've spoken up about maintaining my own autonomy and things like that , bad sh*t still happened . I'm going to get my butt in gear and get serious about ending my life .
I'm 25f, diagnosed with depression , and have been for a while but I did not realize how much dissociating I have done . Spiritual bypassing , whatever you may call it , has pretty much been how I've "made it through" everyday other than just dragging myself along. I didn't know what dissociating meant for a long time even though I've been seeing the word since I was in my teens . Now that I do, holy sh*t I do it a lot . I've had providers use it very rarely but NOW I actually understand .
I don't feel like I've been living my life , I feel like I've been distracting myself from the life I actually live by trying to stay positive (sometimes viewed as delusional by others ) and then when I wasn't that way I was called negative , depressing , draining etc . People have brushed past and disregarded my pain and have just gave generic encouragement or aggressive codependency , and I eventually started doing some of those things to myself.
Support for suicide discussion friendly spaces
I love that forums like this exist, amongst other micro communities on other social media that allow people to EXIST in both their "negative" and "positive". I was just reading about how this is not a pro suicide site and I love that. I can come here and say , "I'm going to kill myself" and it's not seen as encouragement or that I'm a burden for simply saying my feelings .
Pro choice for the win. Also unnecessary side note , SO glad I do not have any children and that my relationships have not worked out . Not happy about abuse but I could not imagine my life and my child's life with all the issues I've had . I thought I wanted to change my mind about it , and even negged a "partner" about how we should consider having children because of a loss he had while young and I wanted to help heal that for him. I'm SO glad that didn't happen . That was one of the times I think I was definitely delusional.
Why I'm going to become more serious about killing myself
Anyway, I realize leaving my mental health and physical health up to the guessing game that is the medical system , where you go through 10+ diagnoses , many drugs and treatments , many $$$ before you get to what's actually wrong with you … I NEED to take responsibility for myself . I thought that was self care , exercising , therapy etc . No. I need to die .
Everything I do in this world is a distraction from death and what isn't absolutely awful / not what I want is a distraction from the awful things . It's gaslighting yourself constantly.
Grief and me
I was looking at the grief cycle for some issues someone else was having … and I realize I feel I've been in a constant cycle of GRIEF . Grieving friendships , relationships, or lack of, feelings of inadequacy, more recently grieving death of loved ones , grieving my youth, grieving the things I don't understand or struggle in learning .
Culturally I fit in no where . I have tried and realize how stupid I've been , I was raised with a race self hatred parent and have put in work to "kind of" fit in the "culture" of my race but fail overall. Everything is fake and learned .
Possible Autism
I'm most likely autistic , but undiagnosed with no chance of diagnosis because lack of records while young and NO ONE thinks I'm autistic except the people in autistic groups who I've talked to or people who have bullied me or taken advantage of me in some way . Or they just think I'm stupid . I remember as an elementary school child being put in a special ed class and my parent raising hell about it saying I'm not disabled because I had a lisp and people were trying to call me stupid … and all the kids crying in the sensory friendly room. I just remember being happy when I went there , not fully understanding why but I liked the room a lot better .
Anyway it's so much stuff I remember/ realize that to other people just makes me sound manic . I'm so tired of trying to talk to people / gain understanding . It's gotten to the point that I've started using AI to shorten posts like this one , and I look at the post and I don't feel like I'm actually getting out everything I need to say but the response is better and when it comes to internet posts people aren't aggressive or mean on them . I think it's because AI will dull/ lessen emotional expression.
My "outline "
1. Make a suicide plan . (5Ws, how , most peaceful methods available to me , notes if I'm going to leave them, make sure beneficiaries are in order )
2. Accept , accept accept . I have to accept I want to die . The same way I would begrudgingly push myself through a job , or actively avoid doing this without things being in place in case I fail, some type of income , I need to embrace myself fully and the desire to die. My misery has been prolonged because I cannot accept this . I need to .
3. Make sure I have all the money I need , or at least the means and goods for the most part and quit my job .
4. Figure out what I want to do in the last days . Definitely will be part of the plan but making separate because … time is always longest leading up to something ?
5. Say goodbye and hope I'm successful .
I've been wanting to / questioning suicide since I was approx 8 years old. It's been 17 years of feeling this way. Too long . It's time to make a decision. I choose death .
