Discussion Conflicted again. ( When am i not )

[Buh-bye!]

A lot of opinions of mine, mostly a criticism on the things i don't understand or feel insecure/ Threatene d about are casually written below. Not an interesting read but you can see the Tldr.

Each new day is bringing a worse side of me. I am now a literal definition of sick, scumbag, asshole, weirdo etc. My actions in the past few months, going to be a year soon, make me feel like i want to puke ( Puke, quite literally ). I was wrong to have fought the way of things, i should've killed myself but i did not. I don't regret not killing myself but i do regret not doing anything to change my situation. An entire year of being alone inside a room, dependent on my family just to get back at them, get back at any and all people that interfered in my life, i now decimated my own good life. I am crying almost everyday, i am feeling great headaches everyday, i am scared about my future considering i sabotaged my career. I did not take admission in any colleges and now everybody's ahead of me. I used to be indifferent these things but now i am in envy. That's because i used to at least have myself but now, i have lost myself. i don't even know what to do in a life except for eat, sleep, be lazy etc.
I even stopped posting on this website because i don't know anyone here and i am too much in my own head to be able to form a good relationship with people. i can't even do that with real people right now. This site started to feel like a chore eventually. so did posting and ranting here. I masturbated last night and edged today then watch

 

[Jadeith]

I'm not a pro, mind you but from what you said...... seems like your mind tries to heal. You see that you fucked up, what exactly and why. Also, you see that's not what you wanted. It weighs you down but it didn't kill you. Yet. And since you still breathe and have occasional control over yourself, there's still chance for you. NGL it will be difficult but i see such possibility. Question is - can you see it too? Or, at least, can you believe that someone else sees that chance for you?

 

[Buh-bye!]

I'm not a pro, mind you but from what you said...... seems like your mind tries to heal. You see that you fucked up, what exactly and why. Also, you see that's not what you wanted. It weighs you down but it didn't kill you. Yet. And since you still breathe and have occasional control over yourself, there's still chance for you. NGL it will be difficult but i see such possibility. Question is - can you see it too? Or, at least, can you believe that someone else sees that chance for you?

Mate that was so good to hear it sky rocketed my self esteem for a while. I wasn't expecting any responses but this one response just made me feel so much better. I think you just expressed my thoughts with a whole bunch of words and this clears my mind a bit, Let's me think and hope. Thank you so much for this bud, really.

 

[quietism]

i am too much in my own head to be able to form a good relationship with people. i can't even do that with real people right now.

I have felt this way for the longest time. I just befriended authors through reading many books. Books were there for me when no person was, and I hate the parasociality of it, but the learning did keep me occupied. The loneliness hurts a lot to not be able to share those reflections. I wish for the wonderful feeling of being in an engaged and happy discussion, and it hurts how rarely that happens with real people in a meaningful way.

 

[Jadeith]

Mate that was so good to hear it sky rocketed my self esteem for a while. I wasn't expecting any responses but this one response just made me feel so much better. I think you just expressed my thoughts with a whole bunch of words and this clears my mind a bit, Let's me think and hope. Thank you so much for this bud, really.

Glad you react this way. This confirms that my observations are at least in some part correct. If there are things that can,even for a moment, make you feel better, improve your mood and instill some hope then it means you didn't lost yourself completely and you can get the control back. And i believe you can do it. You can find a way and i strongly hope that you won't stop looking.

 

[Buh-bye!]

Glad you react this way. This confirms that my observations are at least in some part correct. If there are things that can,even for a moment, make you feel better, improve your mood and instill some hope then it means you didn't lost yourself completely and you can get the control back. And i believe you can do it. You can find a way and i strongly hope that you won't stop looking.

I rarely come down on these things. Even though you're an internet stranger i just wouldn't want to give you any false hopes. My life feels very derailed and things get out of my control often now. Although this is such a nice attitude you got in my opinion, and those words really made me feel less anxious/better then. Thank you mate.

I have felt this way for the longest time. I just befriended authors through reading many books. Books were there for me when no person was, and I hate the parasociality of it, but the learning did keep me occupied. The loneliness hurts a lot to not be able to share those reflections. I wish for the wonderful feeling of being in an engaged and happy discussion, and it hurts how rarely that happens with real people in a meaningful way.

I am so glad i could make you feel not alone. The loneliness sucks though, we can both agree on