Constantly attacked, constantly punched, constantly beaten down

[needhelptodie]

Life keeps kicking the shit out of me. Anyone and everyone who ever kicked the shit out of me over the course of my life has succeeded. I allowed it to happen, somehow. It's happened to an extent that is too severe to correct. Am I too open? Am I too stupid? Am I too honest? Do I say and share too much with people, only for people to use what I share against me and leave me spitting out their dust? Sometimes in life the strongest thing you can do is to try and show someone yourself and sometimes you have to do things to do that, but sometimes doing those things comes at a terrible cost and you find yourself totally fucked forever, just a piece of roadkill twitching at the side of the road. All I can feel is the way life keeps kicking the shit out of me and I can't help but feel I am stupid to an extreme extent, embarrassing to an extent that no one else really is. I've lost count of the times I've lost it in public over the last 10 years or so, or through listening services or mental health services or wherever I go. I've been beaten down so hard that all I can feel is depression, how heavy it is. Everything I've done has been the only way to know for sure who is genuinely there and who is genuinely not and the reality is no-one has been there enough for me to build myself up and get my life going. Sometimes you do need people to be there, to come through, sometimes people do come through but usually you have to do it all on your own and when it comes down to it it's just too much. I miss being 19, I miss feeling that I had the world going for me and my life to go for, I know I put myself out there enough but it's all for nothing. I have meds and SN ready to go.

 

[Freebandzgang]

Ive been beaten up so so bad by life i seriously cant take it anymore.

 

[needhelptodie]

For me it's like a split. Up to the age of 19 I was normal, ish, still lived within the confines of normality, still tried to study and work to some extent, still worked and lived within the norms. Still had a chance to turn out normal, or at least on a more 'normal' trajectory. I know people who compare themselves to feeling like a broken down jigsaw puzzle and I always considered them more 'normal' than me, they still fit within norms more than I do perhaps. I know I got things wrong that others did not. I grew up in hypercritical environments, where people have been harder on me for perceived errors or mistakes than most people. You can stand up for yourself in life all you like, if you're up against everything then you're at a disadvantage.