Constantly flip-flopping between recovering and regressing.

[Done_With_It_All]

So I have had a terrible episode of depression that recently broke my character and broke who I am fundamentally. I've been to two psych wards this year and I'm on medication, talking to therapist and a psychiatrist. What I've been noticing is that I am having flip-flops of Days where I think OK, maybe I can get better, and then the next day I wake up and I think there's no way I need to kill myself at some point that is me from stress. It's essentially like I'll make a decision one day and then go to the other side the next day. I'm pretty sure people have experienced this, but I'm interested in hearing about people who have dealt with this specifically, maybe there's something that I don't know .

 

[moshimoshi]

I've been feeling very similarly lately, I had one of the worst bouts of depression in my life and now I feel like a different person, and broken in a lot of ways. Like I don't even type in the same way I used to, I feel so changed. One day I'll think that there's hope and have a plan to get better, and feel like recovery is rlly possible, then the next I have strong ctb urges and constantly thinking about death. I'm sorry you are having to experience this too, it can genuinely be so stressful and torturous :(

I wonder if because the episode of depression was so severe and it happened recently, that our brains are trying to recover but there is still a lot of lingering from the horrible episode of depression, that it makes us flip flop a lot? I'm not sure, but I really hope you feel better soon OP

 

[Life_and_Death]

going back and forth is how i picked my name

 

[bed]

i feel similar, one day i feel such strong urges to kill myself and the next i feel relatively okay and think maybe yeah i can try and better myself. i think i'm just in permanent limbo.

i think if your goal is recovery and you keep putting in effort, those episodes of wanting to ctb will come less frequently or will at least be not as intense. i know this isn't the case for everyone but for a lot of people, having a proper support system along side therapy and potentially meds it does work out for them.
i hope you can bounce back from your terrible episode, i'm very sorry you had to experience it.

 

[Felodese]

The exact same feeling.
I'm finally in proper therapy after literal years of trying to get treatment. But it wasn't untill I completely gave up, that I could finally get some real help. Only, now I'm not sure I want it anymore.
I keep going back and forth between wanting to get better and wanting to get worse, so I can ctb.
My poor therapist must be getting whiplash from my mood swings: hopeful one session, and completely despondent the next.
And I half panic every time I feel a sense of hope or positivity, so I'm constantly self sabotaging. Cause I still mostly want to give up. But, I still show up for therapy every week....

 

[slightoverlooked]

same here. i also go through this a lot and i feel like my whole month is just a sine curve. but i feel like since i decided to actually recover it has been feeling a little more manageable. idk how to deal with those suicidal thoughts before my period though bc those always crash me out of nowhere and last a whole week.

 

[gluttony]

Yeah to me it feels like I'm 2 different people and idk who I really am. It used to be a week or a few days of hoping things will get better and being in misery, but now it feels like every other hour I ping pong between the two.

It's bad because when I'm feeling better I get scared of going back into a depressive state again. But the opposite is true too, anytime I try to ctb I get scared and spend hours thinking that things can get better.

I really wish one of me could die, preferably the one who wants to live.

 

[terra.nuvo]

Im very similar. I feel annoyed that my mind can never just pick a lane and stay in it. I want the lane to be recovery but the other option really seems like the only one some days. I don't really have any advice on how to deal with the flip floppyness but i just wanted to say that you are not alone in your feelings. As I've read, quite a few of us feel similarly. I'm hoping that with time and therapy i'll stay in the lane of recovery but who knows.

 

[Abyssal]

Doctors are shitty, but the last one I went to had a sign that said "healing is not linear" which made me think about more than how cheesy it was. Will these up and downs last forever or is it a process to become someone who wants to live? I wish I could find out without this process

 

[cryone]

yeah, i struggle with this aswell. ive noticed that a lot of the times i feel like shit r nights and (suprisingly) during times when im pursuing romantic relationships.

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

Doctors are shitty, but the last one I went to had a sign that said "healing is not linear" which made me think about more than how cheesy it was. Will these up and downs last forever or is it a process to become someone who wants to live? I wish I could find out without this process

Healing doesn't go lineair, that's what my therapist always says. There will be downs in the road to recovery. The problem is I don't see my line going up much. Rather down.
Only in the evening I feel better.