Conversations in my mind

[Dani Paradox]

I've always been like this to some degree all my life, when alone. Never thought anything of it. I've always had a wild imagination. But in recent time it has become much more prominent due to the direction my life has gone. I can't have children, I'll never have a family of my own, I'll never have a girl. Hopes and dreams, every sense of purpose....gone. My life is over. So I'm always basically stuck in my head imagining all of the things that would have been. And I'm constantly imagining myself with my girl or my children, and I imagine them speaking to me, and have conversations with them. I'm not hearing voices or anything...it's only my imagination. I'm alone all the time. So when I am up in the morning and about to make coffee, I'll imagine my son walking up next to me asking if he can have a cup. Or that my girl is getting ready for work. Or talking to my kids and teaching them about life. All kinds of stuff. I'll be walking through the supermarket imagining that my kids are walking next to me, and I'll walk by the oatmeal and imagine my son being like, "Look daddy! It has dinosaur eggs in it! Can I have it?? Pleeeeeaaaseeee." It's depressing as fuck. I guess it's some type of coping mechanism. Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this?

 

[jaemus12]

Not specifically having my own family, but I imagine myself in a better world and living a nice life doing things I like without all of this bullshit. I imagine me going to work with good people, hanging out with my homies at night or chill at home, hangout with my family (happily) and maybe, just maybe hangout with my significant other. I also do imagine a lot of the conversations in my head. But I also developed an alternative way to cope which I literally talk to myself as if I'm hanging out with a few homies.

This is the reason why I love The Sims. I can quote on quote "live the life" I never had.

 

[Sharethepain]

I see my ex a lot of the time, even though it's only in my mind. The empty seat on the bus next to me? She could have been there. The empty bedside next to me? She could have been here. Going to buy something in the supermarket? I can imagine her next to me as clear as day. Anywhere and everywhere I go, she could have been there with me, and yet, I walk through these paths alone. It's really sad, knowing what could have been. And nothing I ever do takes my mind off it. The very silhoutte of parallel universe where we are still together hangs in front of my vision every day.

 

[Dani Paradox]

Yeah...definitely sounds like the same thing... =/

 

[Alaska]

I've lurked on this website for a bit and this is the post that inspired me to finally make an account. I do the exact same thing. Imaginary conversations that take place in sort of an idealized fantasy life. It definitely happens more frequently and in more detail when I'm feeling depressed. Like you said though, I'm always aware that it's not real so hopefully I'm not crazy for doing it.

 

[Sickofit]

I do aswell. Alot of ifs happen to me. What if this, what if that? and i imagine it over and over to the point i feel schizophrenic.

 

[Dani Paradox]

Sometimes it feels like it's one of the only things that helps to keep me going.. It's like a roller coaster though, because the idea of everything having had worked out the way it was supposed to is just such a comforting thought.. A happy little family of my own. When I'm imagining myself holding my girl or talking to my children I feel all warm inside. And then it's like, "but that will never be." And I'm alone. And then I sink way back down low. It is interesting how the mind will find ways to cope with things that it is unable to deal with. Eventually the mind just literally wants to destroy itself..

 

[Dani Paradox]

I've lurked on this website for a bit and this is the post that inspired me to finally make an account. I do the exact same thing. Imaginary conversations that take place in sort of an idealized fantasy life. It definitely happens more frequently and in more detail when I'm feeling depressed. Like you said though, I'm always aware that it's not real so hopefully I'm not crazy for doing it.

Wow, yeah that does sound exactly the same... I've done it since I was a little kid. I'd go hiking in the woods and pretend my friend from school was with me. Or throughout school, sometimes if there was a girl I was crushing on I would imagine she was with me when I was home alone. Shit like that, here and there. But ever since all this happened to me and shit hit the fan.....it's way more frequently and detailed. Absolutely. It's like my mind just doesn't want to be here. It wants to be there...in that idealized world where I was able to have children and a family. This was not supposed to happen to my life like this. It's all wrong. I can't even look at cute girls or children anymore...it just triggers me and sets me off.

 

[Dani Paradox]

Wow, yes, it's like you're explaining my own mind back to me lol. That's exactly how it is. The perfect daydream escape and then crashing back to reality.

Nice to talk to someone who understands.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Isolation will definitely do that to you. It's something I've experienced for many years now as I have very little social contact. Personally I am very glad I don't have a family outside of my girlfriend as I'm too messed up to cope with anything other than my own problems and insanity, but I get why you would feel the way you do.

I started to realize I was probably crazy about 5 or so years ago, when I noticed I was having extremely long and detailed internal monologues in my head all day every day, and that I was laughing out loud and reacting to things outwardly that were only really in my mind.