Venting Coping with being annoying and being unliked.

[iamrealandyouarenot]

Im a very loud person. I get very excited around other people. I have tried to calm down, ADHD meds give me heart palpitations and panic attacks in turn. I know I'm funny, I know that's why people like me, but I have this lurking fear that they are placating me and I'm just extremely obnoxious. Every day, every SINGLE day, I come home and I rack my brain thinking of every interaction I had and think "what could have been annoying, what could have been rude, what could have been weird" I do this until I fall asleep. I am not a teenager, I'm 26 years old. I'm still in college because I was in a fatal car accident that took me out of classes for a while, I am disabled and my friend died who was driving. I am extremely self conscious about my age around my friends in their early 20s. I am extremely self conscious about my inability to physically do the same things as them. I am extremely upset losing friends and fear it intensely. Idk I just feel like they all secretly hate me. They talk badly about other people for being annoying. I do too, most people do. I mean i don't think that's abnormal or anything I'm just worried I'm also one of those people. I don't think it's wrong to dislike people for irritating you, if they don't like me I don't think it's their fault. I just don't know how to not be irritating. Today we had to take pictures and I got self conscious about what I looked like and I got embarrassed for being upset and cried and embarrassed myself further. I'm so stressed out. I do not know how to cope with this. I haven't self harmed in a year. I haven't tried to CTB in 3 years. I don't know how to cope. I don't think any of my friends know me. I feel very fake making jokes all the time, but I need to be liked. I need it badly. The only time I feel okay is in groups of people.