Courage needed

[happilyneverafter]

Like many people on here, I hate being alive! Life for me is nothing but pain and misery. I become enraged by the smallest of things. A mole hill always seems like a mountain to me. In the last 3-5 years I have started to, uncontrollably talk to myself. No one can stand to be around me because of the anger and resentment I feel. I am always negative about everything but I always try to prepare for the worst because that's usually what happens. I have the answer to all of these problems but the problem is.. as much and as bad as I know I want to be dead. And even though I have absolutely no hope that anything will ever get better, I can't find the courage and resolve I need to kill myself.. I wish I knew someone I could pay to do it for me. I guess my biggest fear is that nothing ever goes right or the way I plan it in my head and I'm nervous that I'll get the nerve up and shoot myself in the head only to survive and be some dude drooling on himself unable to communicate or lift a spoon to my own mouth. I just want death.

 

[DivineSpark]

Death would be merciful for us....

 

[Phosphorous 4]

What exactly do you say to yourself if you don't mind me asking? For the last few years, I've begun muttering "I want to die, 'my roommates name'" to myself out loud, loudly enough that people around me can clearly hear me and it just comes out. Before I've thought it, I've said it. I constantly blurt it out. My roommate isn't even ever around when it get's really bad, so it always looks like I'm speaking to a person who isn't physically there, and I'm not even sure why it's always my roommates name that comes out. It's so irritating and something I have to focus on hiding when I am in public :/ I feel like it's a sign that I'm slowly losing my mind.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand just wanting to be gone, to be permanently free from this existence of suffering is all I hope for, I wish there's the option to just simply cease existing in peace and never suffer ever again with no risks of it going wrong and leading to way more suffering. But anyway, I wish you the best.

 

[happilyneverafter]

What exactly do you say to yourself if you don't mind me asking? For the last few years, I've begun muttering "I want to die, 'my roommates name'" to myself out loud, loudly enough that people around me can clearly hear me and it just comes out. Before I've thought it, I've said it. I constantly blurt it out. My roommate isn't even ever around when it get's really bad, so it always looks like I'm speaking to a person who isn't physically there, and I'm not even sure why it's always my roommates name that comes out. It's so irritating and something I have to focus on hiding when I am in public :/ I feel like it's a sign that I'm slowly losing my mind.

I will have complete conversations (usually arguments) about any and everything sometimes. But I do often just chant certain phrases like " I wish I was dead" over and over and over. It started as muttering but over the last couple years it has changed to talking out loud uncontrollably. I know all my neighbors probably think I'm a psychopath.. I do sometimes with the thoughts of rage I have.. I feel you on the "hiding in public". It's VERY embarrassing when you realize you are talking to no one with others watching.

I understand just wanting to be gone, to be permanently free from this existence of suffering is all I hope for, I wish there's the option to just simply cease existing in peace and never suffer ever again with no risks of it going wrong and leading to way more suffering. But anyway, I wish you the best.

I know that's right! Most of my family are religious and it was driven into my head that suicides go to hell! I quit believing in god a few years ago but i also know i e been wrong about almost everything and I think sometimes that's what prevents me from having the courage to commit suicide myself. The fear that I will do it, just to go to a hell a suffering for all eternity.